I miss my Dad

It has been six years. I know that is a long time. I still miss him. I have periods still where it seems unbearable. This evening is one of them...this time because I just got a call from my very strong Mom that my Aunt is in the hospital and has been told she has days or weeks to live. She is suffering with ALS. It brings it all tumbling back to me. My Dad's diagnosis. His apparent recovery. The hope. Him getting sick again. His quick, unexpected death. My parents were away on a vacation and he started turning yellow. I was expecting them to come and pick me up for our traditional trip to Edmonton in August. But, I was told that they thought Dad had a stone in his bile duct. No one sounded too worried, but I had this were feeling that something as incredibly wrong. Sadly, I was right. We found out maybe a week or so later that Dad in fact had Cancer. What a kick in the face. The strongest man I have ever known suddenly looked scared. He was sent back home to get stronger before a major surgery. Had a surgery and 70% of his cancerous liver was removed. We were told things looked pretty good, but there would be a recovery period. He was told her did not need chemo or radiation, because the cancer had no spread. He became strong again and beat it...or so we thought. He had a pretty good year or so. he said that he had a miracle and I know he truly believed it. I vividly remember a day when my parents came to my city to get news from his doctor about how he was doing after a recent scan months after his surgery. I was very nervous and had been praying for good news. Mom and Dad came to my house on their way home to share the news. I was almost afraid to ask the outcome. Dad was a jokester and played a mean one on me saying things did not look good, Mom slapped him and he immediately shared the great news that there was no sign of Cancer. He was SO happy. I saw the glimmer in his brown eyes that told me he had beat this thing! I stopped my crazy worrying and took a breath. But it was too good to be true. Dad started feeling sick again, yellow again, itchy again....I worried so much, but did not want to let on that I was. I needed to be strong. Back to the same, trusted doctor who had "saved" him the first time. They did an exploratory surgery. They came to the small hallway Mom and I waited in and told us that there was nothing they could do. I can go back to that moment in my mind and relive it! so sad. He would recover at the hospital and go home. we thought we had time together. But, 4 short days later he was gone. I mean, I am so thankful that he did not have to suffer longer. I am thankful that he was spared a certain amount of pain. I am thankful that I got to be there when he took his last breath. But, I am so terribly sad. Sad that he missed out on so much life! Sad that he did not get to do so many things he wanted to do! Sad for my Mom who lost the love of her life so young! Sad for my sister and I who lost one of the two most treasured people in our lives. For months I kept a voicemail my dad left me. I listened to it multiple times a day. I beg him to show me he is around me, but nothing. I am so sad that he can't tell me he is proud of me ( I think he would be). I am sad he did not meet the man I hope to marry one day. I am sad that should I ever be lucky enough to have a child, that he or she will never know my lovely Dad. I miss him so much. Six years have passed and it still feels fresh. I hear people complain that there parents are visiting or something and I feels so mad! They are so lucky to have two healthy, happy parents! The years will continue to pass. I am sure that my heart will heal. I will continue to think about all the times and memories that I have to be thankful for. But, I will also continue to think about the times that I wish my Dad was with us. I know that I am not the only person to have every lost a parent. I know that many people lose their parents at a younger age than my 29 years. But, no matter what age your parent is when you lose him or her, I truly believe that a piece of your heart is forever gone. Just like they are gone...but not forgotten.

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