I miss my daddy

by Sarah E
(PA)

My husband and I just moved back from South Carolina to Pennsylvania. We wanted to be closer to family and missed them. It hasn't been a week since we got home. I talked to my Dad the whole way home and he helped us move in the day we arrived. The next day he helped move our stuff into storage and took us to eat, then the next day he was going to fix the breaks on my car. I saw him everyday I was back and then he died of a drug overdose the day after. We all knew he was doing heroin but he wouldn't get help. We've pleaded with him to go to rehab or classes, even a methadone clinic and talked to him about how much we don't want to see him like this.

He may have made mistakes like this but he was still my father and I loved him dearly. He had an illness that we couldn't fix and I find myself blaming everything. If I moved in with him like he asked maybe he would still be here. If I called him that night maybe he wouldn't have done it. I keep questioning the "what if". He was a funny, extremely intelligent, healthy person aside from his addiction. It hasn't been 3 days since he passed and I am just in complete shock. I look at his photos and tear up, I realize I will never be able to call him or visit him. I won't be able to talk football with him or go out to eat. I won't get warm hugs from him anymore or smell his scent. I miss him more then anything and my heart and head feel like they are being ripped from my chest. If this is what it's like to lose someone how am I going to go through the deaths of my grandparents, mothers, siblings and husband? I feel life is cruel and this pain is something no one should endure.

Sadly, my sister and I's birthday's are next week and it's going to be the toughest thing to get through. I can't imagine his birthday, Christmas, Easter, or the 4th of July. I would never want to kill myself but honestly, what's the point of living if you're going to lose everyone you love and feel this kind of pain? I just don't know what to do with my life anymore. Moving home and not seeing my dad, to seeing him for the whole week, to him dying and then my birthday next week. How do I deal with it all?

Comments for I miss my daddy

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Aug 15, 2013
thank you
by: Sarah

I feel he started up doing drugs because my mom and him were separated and it was his only means of getting out of depression. You could tell he loved her so much but she had other feelings and it was his way to cope and feel numb or happiness. He was so normal around us, I didn't even know he was on drugs until he got arrested. I feel ashamed of what he did and so sorry he had to use them. Now, people keep asking "how did he die?" I hate that question. I don't tell them the truth I say "heart failure". And even though he chose to take drugs he still was an amazing father nonetheless. He loved us dearly and did anything for us no matter what time of day. It just hurts so badly and I feel robbed of him since he died so early. He was only 50. Now, I'm thinking what am I going to do for my birthday, Christmas, fathers day. I feel....empty. Like a piece of the puzzle is missing. It's so awful

Aug 14, 2013
I miss my daddy
by: Doreen U.K.

Sarah I am so sorry for your loss of your Daddy to a sudden death from his habit. Your right. He is still your father and no matter what lifestyle our father's choose we always love them. Father not only nurture us but they add meaning and value to our lives in a way no other person could. Heroin is an addiction that is hard to overcome. It is a craving that controls the person and few people can control this habit. The "What if's" always assault us at this time as we desperately try to hold onto the ones we love so they won't die, or shouldn't have died. This is part of grief and shouldn't dominate your life. There will always be what if's. If my husband didn't work with Asbestos he wouldn't have gotten a deadly cancer that was terminal and take his life from me 15 months ago. But life is what it is. I can only go on and Honour the man I loved and claim some memories to see me through my difficult days when life doesn't feel worth living without the one's we have lost. Death does make us think. "How will I cope?" if I lose other members from my family. Death leaves us feeling very vulnerable to losing other family members. The death of my husband of 44yrs. was the worst experience for me of death. I can't help wondering who is going to be next. The pain of grief is the worst experience ever. It is such a cruel experience as it causes us so much pain there is no medication for to ease the pain. WE can't control how we feel, or move from it. We have to go through the grief and cry and cry till the healing starts. The more crying the quicker the path is to Healing from our loss. But even our tears fall naturally. They can't be forced. So grief will last as long as it will for each of us. Just when life is going well and we are happy then it all goes wrong and turns our world upside down and inside out and leaves us feeling assaulted for a long time. You won't always feel this grief. It eases up and new memories start to develop and you will get your life back and be able to honour your father the way he was to you. Your Daddy. Death evaluates our living with the one's we have left and we will be more aware of close we need to be with each other and to enjoy each day, because none of us knows when our life will end. But meantime we have to enjoy the journey and put new things in our life to help us along this difficult road of life without the ones we have loved and lost.

Aug 13, 2013
your dad
by: Anonymous

I'm so sorry, and I can say I know what your going thru. My son died a few months ago from a heroin overdose. Most of the time he was great, but he was like your dad, he just wouldn't get the help. He wanted to do it on his own. I also do the what ifs. So many.... I also blame people, but the only problem, everyone could have done more, even him, so its hard to lay the blame. Its not even been four months, but its still terribly sad. I manage, but cry everyday, and wonder why this happened. I don't feel like I'll ever be truly happy again. There are times when I feel ok, but when I'm alone, I think of him always. Life is not the same. I'm in a support group, and really feel like that helps. Mine is for parents who've lost a child. (My son was just 31). Life is not perfect, but you have to give it your best for the others in your life. I don't want to spread the sadness. I guess as the years go by it'll get easier. But its not good now. And I'll always miss him. Good luck. And do try to live your life for him. Darn those drugs.... I hate them!

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