I miss my dear Debbie so much.

by Ken
(Port St. Lucie, Florida)

I really can't believe that the love of my life is gone. She was only 49 years old. She died on September 21, 2013 from brain cancer. My Deb was fine until she started to get headaches that wouldn't go away (this was in April of 2013). We took her to the emergency room and they did an mri. The test showed that she had a glioblastoma...which is a very aggressive brain tumor. She got radiation and chemotherapy and steroids. She only lasted for five months after getting diagnosed. I am three months into my grief and my symptoms are much worse now than they were a few weeks ago. I can hardly eat (I have lost a lot of weight). I have a great deal of trouble concentrating. I have a great deal of anxiety. Part of me wants to take some medicine to help to take the edge off. My therapist and Group counselor at Hospice say that I need to go thru my grief without taking Meds. I am trying to take things one moment at a time. But I am very hard on myself. I think that I need to get over this. But the fact of the matter is that I can't make myself feel better. I know I must feel the excruciating pain that this grief is causing. I miss Deb so much. We were married for 13 years. This is the worst time in my life. I look forward to hearing your replies. Thanks so much for listening. Ken

Comments for I miss my dear Debbie so much.

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Aug 12, 2014
Death is a "thief" - it strikes at its very own clock..!
by: Caz

To all of you with weeping hearts from death, my sympathies. I today have lost a day for the tears just won't go away - in a very short time, not even 4 months I lost people from my home my best friend, brother in-law, bonus dad, the man of my dreams and then my mother, including my business/livelihood - NO tablets, alcohol, smoking, drugs have I resorted to up to now, as I'm forced to deal with 3 Estates simultaneously - including the nursing of my 59 year old currently dying brother. I hate cancer and I hate death - I've put all my energies into hating those two things - than focusing on that dreadful clock of death - as per doctors statements coming my way again soon which further per usual - refuse to believe. If its Denial I'm stuck on then it suits me for now I'm calm with that! Death offers me nothing and logic tells me its a fact of life but I refuse to accept the wicked pain it leaves as it selfishly strikes when we are far from ready. Spending over a month daily at my brothers hospital bed has forced me to encounter so very many deaths of late - I've simply placed my mind, body and soul in a Big Crystal White Bubble and each time negative black bubbles come my way I do a mind shift - pop them out my way. Sorry friends but just as no book was dropped from the sky to be the perfect human being, SO was not one dropped to deal with death. Again, it works at its very own clock - we just were not programmed for this - so we cry for its a way to release the deep pain for no words or tears release the control death has over your heart. Its like climbing a flight of stairs - I take one and often sit and ponder for months on end before I take the next step I sit and ponder - but NEVER step down - death hurts its cruel - guard your heart for the dead leave you with memoirs as your tools to heal - nothing more to take away the ache it's all done in your/our very own time - that's why its called DEATH it just ain't a pretty word. Peace big as the sky and love as wide as the ocean as you all try repair your bleeding hearts with memoirs and time - for that's all that's kept me sane to now and I ain't no hero at dealing with death!

Jan 18, 2014
So sad
by: Lizzie, Australia

Dear Ken, I can offer you no advice, only comfort. I'm glad you have come here as I'm sure it helps to share our grief . You are not alone. You will not get to grow old with your beloved Deb, as I will not grow old with my beloved Pete. He died suddenly 8 weeks ago today and was only 54. I too wanted meds to help me through this but have resisted, as I thought it would numb me even more. When I have really bad days, I write little notes to Pete letting him know what I'm feeling. Pete and I had no children and I feel so alone and lost some days. Keep coming to this site Ken, and share your grief with us, as we DO know how you feel. Take care mate. You are not alone. Love and hugs.

Jan 07, 2014
we all feel your pain
by: Anonymous

Ken~ The only thing I can say that might help you feel better is to not be so hard on yourself. Other than that I really know how you feel but there is not much that is going to change drastically.

You are now living a new reality. One that is totally disconnected from what you knew and thus you cannot function the same as you used to. That's why you can't "expect" yourself to do better.

I lost 30 pounds. I have dehydrated myself. The first five months I barely pulled myself out of bed. I couldn't eat. Still don't much. Showers went from daily to every three days or so. It was everything I could do to put one foot in front of the other, literally. I have had five days in eleven months where I haven't cried. Most of the first eight months I cried five to ten times a day. I have no definite answers but I can tell you that I am eleven months into this and I am not sure I am going to make it still. Unfortunately, that is the way it is for most of us who shake hands with death.

Hospice counseling will be helpful and give you some soothing words to think about. Talking helps sometimes. I find no one other than those who have lost a spouse understands the depth of this black hole we have fallen into.

I was married for 35 years, no children, no religion. Just me and my beloved. Christmas Eve day last year began my nightmare and I lost my beloved less than one month later. Yesterday and today I have reverted back to a time when I was so overwrought I would hyperventilate. Eleven months later and I am still reeling.

The only thing I have been told that seems to help is to take baby steps. If you can't seem to hold out for an hour then shorten it to minutes. Take tiny steps doing what you need to do. I am grieving and I think I will be till my own death. Am I wishing that to hasten? Yes.

Concentrating? Oh yes, can't remember a thing. I used to make lists but now they are about everything. Small quarter size pages laying around to help me.

I am so sorry you are so sad. So broken. Please know that in this way you are not alone. And yet with our spouses gone we are so alone. I think it stinks and I wish for all of us there was anything else in life we had to deal with, just not this.

Jan 06, 2014
I understand
by: William Kounter

My wife and I were together over 33 years when she died in April, '13. Despite her medical issues, she was relatively happy and healthy. I woke up one morning and she was dead next to me in bed. It still hurts--a lot.

I'm sorry for your loss. I do understand what you're going through. Love, prayers, and sympathy are here for you.

Jan 04, 2014
Your journey
by: Cheryl

I just lost my husband to a similar brain tumour. He passed a week ago today. His journey was only 4 months, but they were intense months. He was 52, very active and healthy in every other way. I'm just beginning my grief journey, and just as I hope I can find my way through it, I hope you can too. Better days are ahead.

Dec 27, 2013
by: Bill in Virginia

Keep hanging in there, I lost my Vicky after 47 years in October 29, 2013. Christmas was terrible
but with my two girls and grandkids, I got thru it.
Reach out to someone who has also lost their spouse
maybe another husband who knows what you are going thru. Also, and more importantly remember what your Deb would have wanted for you now. The Lord still cares about you and Deb is with Him safe in His arms like my Vicky. It suppose to get easier, but we must grieve alot based on our love at the time.

Dec 23, 2013
I am so sorry your Debbie was taken away
by: Heidi

Ken – I realize my response to you wasn’t very comforting. I started out trying to share with you the pain I am in as well – and once I started down that path I couldn’t pull myself away. I am so sorry your Debbie passed away and so young. I guess I shouldn’t be trying to comfort people just yet when I am such a mess. I’ve never experienced such pain in my life. I keep reliving what Mickey suffered especially the last two weeks of his life and I can’t get past that right now.

I know our loved ones wouldn’t want us to be so devastated. But right now it’s so difficult to get through each day. I get mad at God at times, but then I get mad more at myself. I do believe Jesus died to save our souls and I feel that Mickey is in Heaven now. Mickey was such a good person…such a loving soul. That’s the one thing that keeps me going is the belief that someday I can hopefully make it to Heaven and get to be with Mickey again. I can’t seem to get much done nowadays.

I just responded to another person’s blog and I’d like to share the same with you. I hope we all can find peace someday with our grief. I know the hurt and loss won't go away but maybe someday it won't be so devastatingly painful. It’s just so hard when the person you love the most in the world – who you spent every day of the last 15 years with – is suddenly not there anymore.

Dec 22, 2013
Gone too soon
by: Heidi

I don’t know if I can be of much help. Eleven weeks ago I lost my true love and best friend of 15 years. Mickey had been ill for some time but he had such a strong will to live. He was such a loving, fun, and comfortable person to be with. Literally, we were together every single day for the last 15 years. This year started out great – he was doing better than ever. But then this summer he started struggling even more with his health problems. He never complained or said ‘why me’. Lately, there were some days he couldn’t even walk. I tried to care of him the best I could but I had to keep working full time to support us. The doctors were still saying he was doing good. And I was in complete – I mean total – denial of how ill he was. It didn’t even occur to me that he could die. He ended up in ICU and a standard procedure went terribly wrong. My brain still can’t process that. He died just two weeks shy of his 59th birthday.

I lost 20 pounds the first month he died. I have to force myself to eat especially the mornings. I have to force myself to get out of bed each morning after realizing with disappointment that I actually did wake up. It is so difficult to know that I will never see him again or talk with him again. I’m still trying to come to terms that God must’ve had a reason for taking Mickey away from me so soon. There was so much I should have done better. I was getting there – but then God took him to Heaven. I didn’t have a chance to finish. A friend of mine keeps encouraging me to get help including meds, but I think that would just delay my grief process and lead to even more meltdowns. I have to learn to somehow exist without Mickey but right now don't know how. The first two month’s after Mickey died I couldn’t even breathe. Doing the dishes exhausted me. The grief now is different than the first couple months – I think back then I was in shock. Now it’s more the reality and it does seem to get harder. I’m envious that others still get to be ‘a couple’. It’s not fair. I’ve been crying a lot today. Still don’t want to be around people.

I went to visit Mickey’s grave today and brought new silk flowers. We used to drive down that street so many times – never did I think that I’d be standing there next to his grave. I just miss him so much. I have his pictures all over the house. And I fall asleep at night curled up with the old pillow he had since he was a kid.

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