i miss my family

Two days ago should have been S's 36th birthday, but instead it was five months since his sudden death from pneumonia. After having some marginally better days over the past few months, this past week has plunged me back into some of the feelings I was dealing with very early on in my grief.

I loved (love) him with all my heart, but cannot share that love openly because of the circumstances of our relationship. I had known him for 5 years, and loved him for about 4 of those years. I know now that he had feelings for me for at least 2 or 3 of those years. But we didn't talk about it, never did anything physically, and never openly dated because he was a (single) professor at the university I attended. As my graduation got closer and in the year afterwards, we had a series of unofficial dates, the last only a week and a half before his death.

And then I was woken up at 6 am by a phone call from a friend and colleague of his who suspected our relationship, informing me that he had passed away suddenly in the night. I was and am utterly devastated by his absence, and even more by the sudden absence of the future that I'd been waiting so patiently for and that seemed so certain. I'm so angry that doing the ethical thing (waiting until I was no longer a student) robbed me of so much happiness, so many memories. I cherish his picture, sleep with a pillow covered by one of his hoodies, and cry a seemingly unending stream of tears.

My (our) feelings were a fairly poorly-kept secret within the close-knit university community, but it's still an awkward and complicated thing for me to talk about with those who knew him. I also no longer live nearby, and so the support of those few people who actually understand is mainly in the form of occasional facebook messages. I feel selfish asking for more from people who are dealing with their own grief, and jealous that all of them have significant others and families to support them.

Meanwhile, his family has no idea that I'm anything more than one of his former students. My own family doesn't understand what was going on between us either. My mother actually was angry with me when I told her I was visiting his grave on my most recent trip home (we grew up in the same hometown, 13 years apart, though neither of us lived anywhere nearby as adults. He would hate that he's buried there now). She talks of how it's a shame I won't be able to get letters of recommendation from him. It breaks my heart every time.

I know things will eventually get easier, but I so desperately need someone to hold me and let me cry. I need a family, but the one I was born with doesn't understand, and the one I wanted to create is smashed to pieces.

Comments for i miss my family

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Jun 18, 2011
Dear Missing Family,
by: S.

I feel your pain and grief. Life sometimes makes us regret things. You may be regretting waiting to share your feelings with each other. But it sounds like you were waiting for a moment when it would be right. Please know that you did the right thing. And the feelings that you shared, they will always be lovely and beautiful because you didn't rush things. You did the right thing by waiting. I know it may not seem that way now.

Please know you are not alone. Those of us on this site are here for you. We are all here, sharing our grief with each other. Just know that we understand your pain. The words these people are writing to each other make my heart smile, to know there is such human kindness out there. I hope you can feel that in these words too. And one day, maybe you will find yourself reaching out to someone here on these pages, offer a warm word and a smile, when you are ready. And that will make you feel so good too. But until then, I hope you feel the warmth of this group of people. We are all here for you.

Jun 18, 2011
what might have been
by: Anonymous

Dear Friend,
Thank you for sharing your well-written letter of pain and sorrow. I am so sorry for your loss. "What might have been" are 4 sad little words and they seem to summarize where you are. You find yourself grieving alone, desiring the comfort of family or friends who are also in pain. Sometimes that is a luxury rather than an absolute. Suicide blasted into our family a few years ago, taking a precious son and we lost friends and family in the wake. Blame starts and people drift away, wishing you'd get on with your life...and you had plans for getting on with yours and he didn't follow through the way you planned. Our days are not promised and we don't like to hear that. We have plans for each one of them and it does not include sorrow. But sorrow is a permanent fixture on this earth. Only in the new earth to come does God promise that there will be no more sin and suffering. Meanwhile, we hurt.

Go easy on yourself. Cry when you need to for it purges the soul and God catches every tear. Catch morning sun on your face and thank God for sharing it with you. Find someone who may be equally lonely from even a different reason, but you can find common ground. Practice looking to provide a hand for someone who needs it. Lift something off a high shelf in a grocery store for someone in a wheelchair, for instance. God never takes away without provision for giving back. He may be waiting for you to be ready to receive and His timing is perfect. Speak with Him about your pain. There is nothing He does not know, but He likes us to share with Him anyway.

There is no time table for what you are going through. It took looking back over my shoulder to realize that I had actually accomplished some unexpected things and I didn't have to push to make it happen. Others like to give rules about something they know nothing about. We are experts in ignorance in this category at least.

You summed up your letter with 2 telling sentences:

"I know things will eventually get easier, but I so desperately need someone to hold me and let me cry. I need a family, but the one I was born with doesn't understand, and the one I wanted to create is smashed to pieces."

God has given you the wisdom to process this information and He will give you the wisdom to know when to take the next step and leave what it will be, up to Him.

He carried me along in mind-blowing grief for 2 years before I could clearly see that He had been there with me. I blamed Him. Why not? He took my son! But really, He didn't. And He will aways be there to hold you, comfort you, and lead you onward. Blessings, GT

Jun 17, 2011
Missng family
by: M Mack

I can only tell you that it will be better and that I am so sorry for your loss. Sometimes things happen for a reason, to learn
and grow in a new direction. The experience you had with S was kept between you and cherished privately. Now you feel alone in your grief. Well I can tell you that no matter what the circumstances, we all end up ultimately alone in our grief. After a while, our close friends and family avoid the subject like a plague and move on as we tend to live the pain of grief everyday. So don't feel so alone because there are so many on this site gong through similar situations. You are young enough to use your experience as a learning curve. Pick up the pieces as you go forward and take with you your fond memories of S. The Lord works in mysterious ways. We never know why he gives and takes at will. Come to this site, and know you are never alone. Just remember that grief takes time-it is your grief and you go through it one breath, one step, one day at a time.

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