I miss my friend

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I miss my friend

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

Christmas 2009 ~ My Best Friend ~

I miss my friend, my soul mate and the love of my life. I miss the touch, the kisses and just a touch of noses.
My hearts aches more that I can bare at times now, almost at the 1 year mark, why? The tears pulling me into the blackness of lost, despair and pain no heart should have to endure. I know now this coming of almost 1 year is the demon that's scorching my heart.
I feel like its day one and I'm being pushed back, back into the heartache that threatens to rip my soul apart.
The pain and sorrow come late in the night. Times when I can't escape and forever threatens to drown me in tears and pain. How do I survive, how do I go on? Questions always asked but never answered.
During the day, I'm normal (as normal as the world would like to see) but at night. When I'm alone the memories take me back to day, ones that feeling like there killing me. How can I handle the pain, this loneliness and broken parts of my life. There are times I just don't know how to cope with this dark part of my life.
I do the day to day stuff, have friends, go to BBQ's and they see me as one of them. They don't see the pain I carry each day, the shadows that engulf my heart taking my life leaving an empty hole. The other day I noticed driving down the road I feel uncomfortable. Wrong place, different time but I'm where I should be. Nothing feels normal or in anyway the same. I'm outside of the world and yet I can't go back to the world I was in. A person in another time and place, another space... To be removed would bring peace but its not what this time is to be... So I wander through my life, walking a road of uncertain. Where do I go, what am I to do. No body understands and I don't want to explain anymore. My Elvis is gone and I miss him more that my heart can bare.
Tonight I will go to bed as before, want, missing and hoping to see Billy in my dreams once more. Me alone in my bed, arms forever reaching for something that's gone and can never have ~ so until I return to rest with my love once more ~
always,
1 step, 1 breath at a time

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I miss my friend

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The Two Sides
by: Anonymous

sometimes it feels like a nightmare, the physical aching the heart feeling like it is being slowly crushed. there is no escape from it, the hole that is left by the loss of the person you love will never be filled except by scar tissue. there is no time limit on the pain, no formula for when it will end, no antidote to a broken heart. death is final and they will always be gone, every single morning you wake up, you will wake up to the loss again and again. but one day you will wake up and the pain wont be as sharp. one day you will wake up smiling and you will be able to remember what it was like to feel alive, to feel like your heart is built for something other than grief. one day you may even meet someone who will occupy your thoughts in a good way.

Then a woman said, "Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow."

And he answered:

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.

Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.

When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

Hope
by:

Jules and M. Mack,

I hope that you do not mind me commenting on what you have both written. Recently I have wondered if I have "outgrown" this site. That is to say that I feel I am no use to the newbies here (2-7 months) I can remember the agonizing pain that I/We went through yet am on a different plain now. Going through the adjustment of being alone. Missing him still (and probably always). The Loneliness the worst part of it.

Thinking that we are past the really hard lousy memories re-playing forever in our mind yet like Jules pointed out about the description of the stroke. It brings you hurtling back to where I do not want to be.

The guilt of wanting him here regardless of his physical condition. Was that selfish? Did he suffer? It must have been awful dealing with a brain injury for over a year. Not feeling at all yourself. Me babying him mothering him/ smothering him with worry.

Yeah all that comes back. I can see a town of Tappahannock Ambulance without freaking out.
I can hear the sirens without crying.

But the wound is still there. It has closed but is sore as heck when a memory tries to open it back up.

I can see myself as a person, instead of an us and I know that is progress. I need this site still, But grief has had its way with me, though it tries to control me, my life and who I am. I am trying to get out from under it's grasp.
Grant me the strength I need this late in grief.
It's still hard but not impossible.

Heading towards a year and a half. Now instead of minute by minute, moment by moment. Month to month. I will shoot for a 6 month mark and see how I am doing. I do not want grief to swallow me up. It is far too tiring...
HH

I miss my friend
by: jules

Patricia - I know how that "missing" feels - it is like a big part of you has become empty - I don't know what can fill the space.

This morning (Easter Monday) I was reading a novel and the male character had a stroke, followed by a heart attack - the author had written the description of the stroke in the first person, and as I read I could see my darling John going through this - I sobbed, it was like John was telling me that this is what he felt - the blackness, the felling of wanting to move your leg and not being able to - the confusion - it is playing in my mind right now -
this is 17 months into my grief, and though I am doing pretty good - there are times when I feel like it was yesterday.

but - every day, one step, one breath
take care
jules

I miss mine too
by: M Mack

Patricia,

You're right when you say "this dark part of my life.". I keep my pain a secret, only I know it and everyone on this site. If I didn't have all of you to express my deepest feelings.....I don't know where I'd be. Seriously, the nights are the worst and during the day, I cope ok. I have a few moments of sadness everyday but I manage to shake it off. When I'm alone, I don't have to do anything if I feel the grief setting in, so I don't worry that I have to control it.

The same for you and all of us. Our loneliness brings it on worse and I guess we need the experience to grow stronger. I too close my tired eyes at night wanting him in my dreams. Please, I beg him, come to me I need to see you. Yet, I've had 3 dreams where he was in the same room as me and we didn't talk, embrace, nothing....he just smiled at me with sadness in his eyes. Why I ask myself does this happen and when will I be free of the sadness?

I know we will have peace eventually and one day when I speak of him, it will be calm and collected. Right now, my heart is sick and my soul lost spirit. I hope we see some good in all of this and pray for the strength to take a step in the right direction. Peace, prayers and hugs to you.....you're not alone.

Me too...almost 16 months later
by:

Patricia,

We have survived so many firsts alone. It would seem the the year mark is a mile stone that we would be proud that we made it to. Yet it really does bring the pain back searing awful and relentlessness.

I am painting now trying to get through my 2nd Easter alone. Yes I will color eggs and all the things that we used to do as a family. And through a smaller family still one. That is what I need to keep remembering. I want to give up all the holidays it seems unfair to go it alone.

This is our new life and we will always miss the old one. You have come so far in this grief run.
I would not wish it on my worst enemy. Be proud of what you have accomplished. And if grief wants to wash over you let it. There is no time frame to grief and the year mark forces us to recall all that we went through the past year.

You will be stronger because of all this. We all will...It is just so hard to see that, even imagine a new stronger self isn't it?
Always all my best to you in the roller coaster ride of grief.
HH

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I miss my friend

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I miss my friend