I miss my little buddy
(Toronto, Ontario, Canada)
Mom & I on my 30th Birthday
On July 29th I said my last few words to my mom before I lost her. She was sitting in her favorite chair rubbing her chest and watching the olympics. I asked if she was okay and she replied it was only indigestion. I told her I was going to take a nap and I'd see her in an hour and that I loved her. She said she loved me too, I never knew this was the last time I'd hear her say that to me.
An hour later, I found her laying on the couch and gone. She'd had a massive heart attack and went in her sleep. I am greatful for that. But of course I have moments of "what if", even though it's too late for that.
I'm the "baby" sister at almost 32 and have lived with mom my entire life, while my sisters are much older in their late 40's and early 50's. For them, they lost mom. For me, I lost my mom, my best friend, my confidant and my companion.
Last year mom had minor surgery and I became so afraid that she'd die, I developed intense agoraphobia and anxiety. For 3 months I couldn't leave our apartment. I've been making progress since then, but now since she died I feel like I'm back at square one but alone. I ended up hiring a therapist to come to my place and do some steps to get me outside again and it's worked.
I am by no means "alone" I have 3 older sisters, a fiance and great friends and neighbors but it's not the same. I've never lived alone, and now I am living in our apartment without mom. I can handle small spats of being alone, but the silence without her breaks my heart. At night, I can't sleep here because it's just too silent.
I've had to have someone in the family stay with me overnight and if they couldn't, I stay over at my neighbors. I tried staying overnight alone last week and I just kept picturing her the way I found her and had to stay at my neighbors. Last week I did stay alone, and was okay with it. But every time I am "okay" for a few days, the grief comes flying back up.
People keep asking me how I'm feeling and really all I can say is that this sucks. It truly sucks, I miss my mom so much and now in hindsight I realize that I depended on her a bit too much. But at the same time, I am glad that I got to spend so much time with her.
I find that I cry at "weird" moments, the first 2 weeks I cried constantly and could hardly eat. Now, I cry when I am journaling or I see a commerical that reminds me of her. I can't bring myself to watch anything she did, or listen to music she loved. I have been watching shows I never watched before just for a change, and even certain things on shows we never watched remind me of her!
I miss my rock, I miss her hugs, I miss her laugh but most of all I miss my 4'11 little buddy telling me it's going to be okay and she's proud of me. Mom, I'm so proud of you, you truly were the strongest woman I ever was blessed to know. I love you.