I miss my Mama
(Huntsville, TX, USA)
April 25, 2012 was what I thought was a “normal” day. It was until I got the call from my daughter hesitating to tell me what was wrong or what her Papa had said. I immediately called my Father only to learn that my Mama had been killed in a head on collision. The DPS officer got on the phone and blah blah blah. All I wanted to know was where was my Mama!! Finally I learned that they were taking her to have an autopsy since they did not know what had caused her to verve into the other lane.
She was dead at the scene. I could hear my nieces screaming in the background. My parents were raising them and they came upon the accident site. They had already removed my Mother’s body to take for the autopsy. I did get to see her before they took her away. I got to kiss her and tell her good-bye before she was cold and hard with embalming fluid. The next couple of days went by with a blur as I had to pretty much make the funeral arrangements.
The autopsy revealed that she had a carotid aneurysm and she was unconscious before the accident occurred. I know in my heart that Gabriel had blown his horn and God called my mother home to be with him. I know that she is in heaven looking down over us too. It still does not make me miss her anymore. I am a realist. I know that everyone has to die. I was not ready to loose my Mother. I don’t know if I would ever be ready. No I am not a baby-but I am my Mother’s baby girl and the baby of our family. I am a woman 42 years old with kids of her own but I still miss my Mother so much. I did not get to talk to her every day but sometimes we talked more than once a day. I did not take my Mother for granted even when she drove me crazy I still loved her and made sure that she knew that. I let her know that I thought she was working too much. She was no spring chicken- she was 70 years old. I could see the signs of her aging and worried about it. I just thought I had more time. Boy was I wrong. My Mother never wanted to have to be dependent on anyone to take care of her. She never wanted to be attached to machines to keep her alive. She was not. She was tired. No my Mother did not suffer. I know this too but my heart still hurts.
I know that God had things set in place to help prepare me to step up to help my Father raise my nieces and lead my family. A few years ago I would never have been able to cope with this loss. I know the Lord does not make mistakes. He called her home when her work here on earth was done. I am trying to fill her shoes and make sure that things go on in our family but I miss her every day. I pray that the Lord will give me the strength that I need to help my family keep going. It is hard. People ask me how I am doing. I tell them okay. To say anything more would be a lie. I am not good or great. My heart still hurts. I miss my Mama I still need my Mama. I still want to pick up the phone to call and check on her and Daddy when I head home or talk to her on the way to work. People tell me the holidays will be hard. What about all the rest of the days when I miss her?? They are hard too. I am so glad that I moved back home. Funny thing is I moved home because I could not bear the thought of being too far away if something happened to one of them. Life is precious-cherish it . You never know when it might be the last time that you see someone you love. At church on April 22 which was my birthday I was very upset but did not know why. My Mother rocked me and held me in her arms to console me. I did not know it would be the last time. We did get to have a nice dinner for my birthday. My Mother enjoyed eating at Chili’s. She said she was going to eat there again. Three days later my father lost his wife, me and my siblings lost our Mother and our kids lost their grandmother. She did get to eat there . When we went to look for her stuff in the car she was driving- she had a Chili’s to go box.
In the blink of an eye our lives changed forever. I am still trying to find my way. No my heart didn’t stop beating but a piece of it is missing. I’ve been told you learn to live with it. I am trying but it still hurts like hell. My only consolation is I know that one day I will get to see her again in heaven.