I miss my mare bear

by Jacki
(St. Clair michigan)

I lost my mother a little over a month ago on April 20th 2012. She passed at a young age of 53 from liver failure after battling stage 4 breast cancer for 11 months. My mom had a long hard battle and it just seemed like when we first found out may 23rd of 2011 that she had stage 3 breast cancer the news just kept getting worse by September she was in stage four and thenf the cancer just kept spreading. Even though my mother was in a great deal of pain she never gave up or complained she always kept the biggest smile on her face. She never cried or was worried about herself. She only worried about us kids. She always worried about where we would go and what we would do. We are fairly young ranging from age 23 to 34 to lose a parent. My mom always kept pretty strong through the whole 11 months but her last two weeks my mom started losing her mind in affect of the liver failure. She wouldn't know who we were or where she was at times. Her last week of her life I took the whole week off of work to stay with her and I rarely left her side. Me and her would try to talk but sometimes it was hard for her to even speak we mostly napped or watched movies but that was always something my ma and I would do. It seems weird but that was something we loved to do. Every Friday I got out of work at 3 so I would go to the gym then call my mom ask what she was hungry for bring home dinner we eat put in a movie and jus hang out. I still have a hard time on Fridays to even get out of bed. I can't go to the gym or even pick up dinner after work. I usually try to meet up with friends or go shopping to keep my mind busy.
I still find it hard to believe that my mom and my relationship has turn into a. Box. The box has photos, a video with my moms voice, an apron from the work that my mom and I used to work at together, her pray blanket, jewelry, slippers and her crocks she always wore.
It kills me even more that the man I will marry and the kids I have will never meet my mom. I'll never be able to call her and just cry when I need to let things out or just talk when something's on my mind. I still can't find myself to delete her from my phone.
I miss her so much and especially these last few weeks while I'm making some big decisions on where to live, where to go from here with my career and how to handle my job and school.
Right before my mother slipped into her coma my mom wanted to move from her chair to her bed but my mother couldn't walk on her own. So she asked me to walk her to her bed when she got up I asked her for a hug she hugged me and as she hugged me I said I love u mom and she said I love u too Jacqueline which is a memory I will cherish for the rest of my life. Those were one of the last words my mom said to me or anyone.

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