I Miss My Mom So So Much - My Life is So Empty

by Linda Keown
(Harare, Zimbabwe)

My name is Linda and i live in Zimbabwe. I am 55 years old. I am divorced with one daughter aged 17 years. My mother passed away on 5th April,2013 whilst we were on holiday in Johannesburg. My mother had been living with me for the past six years after my sister passed away in 2007 (from a broken leg) in Durban, where my mother was living, in a cottage on my sister's property. Then in 2009 my brother passed away from cancer. My Father had passed away in 1990. I know deep down that my mother never ever got over these deaths. In about December 2012 my mother started having the occasional vomiting/loose stools or constipation. Her appetite was not good or her intake of water and she started losing weight and getting very weak. We were at the clinic weekly anyway to check her bloods because she was taking Warfarin. On the two occassions she was seen by the doctor because I was worried about her state. She was always given fluids through an IV and her BP would pick up and she would feel good again. Her last blood check was on 27.3.13 and hear reading was good 1.41. We were leaving Zimbabwe on 3.4.13 to holiday in Johannesburg with my sister for three weeks. When we landed my mother was poorly and started vomiting. We took her to my sister's house where she rested and the following morning we took her to my sister's doctor who admitted her to hospital immediately. She was given fluids and was looking and feeling so much better on Thursday afternoon and the doctor was really impressed. When we visited her on Friday morning it was a total different story. She could hardly talk and I literally had to carry her back from the toilet she was so weak. She was then moved to the ICU and her condition deteriorated and she sadly passed away around 6pm that evening on 5.4.13. she was 78 years old. I am absolutely stunned by the sudden turn of events and am finding it so hard to cope back here in Zimbabwe without her. I feel so empty and terribly desperate to see her again. I have never felt such a loss as I am feeling now. My home has so many memories of life here with her and the atmosphere is now so different. I have the support of my lovely daughter and caring neighbours who are like a second family to me and they really loved my mother but life for me is just not the same - I sometimes wish time would hurry up so we can be together again but I know that is selfish because of my daughter.

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May 30, 2013
My sweet mama
by: Pamela

I lost my mother on the 14th and the pain from losing her is worse than anything I have ever had to experience in life. I question why I didn't go see her her more. I called her almost everyday. Her quality of life had been very poor for the past 2 years since she had a stroke and wasn't able to drive after that stroke and she struggled processing sme of her thoughts. Bless her sweet heart. She has had so many surgeries colon removed and struggled with that. I took her in due to her getting weak and not eating anything, when she arrived at the hospital her levels on everything was off, severe endemic, blood way too thin and she was on blood thinner, creatinine was too high, Ulrich acid way too high. They gave her 2 units of blood the following day with a unit of Lasix in between and stated an IV with something to get the kidneys flushed, long story short she improved the next day which was Friday and by Saturday looked so much better and on Mother's Day was sitting in the chair when I arrived. I was impressed left around 3:00 to come home and mow and my daughter went back by at 4:00 a little hard to wake up but sang songs with my youngest grandson. I called the next morning to check on her and nurse said she had a good night and was still asleep, I told them I was going in to work and if anything changed to call me. At 11:30 am the nurse called and said they could not wake her and took her down for a CT scan and she was bleeding in 4 spots on her brain and never came to. This was Monday and she passed away on Tuesday night at 6:45 never coming to and I miss her so so much and cry every day. I can't stand the fact that I didn't get to talk to her one more time to tell her how much I love her. I go by the graveside almost everyday and cry my eyes out. I sure hope time eases this pain because there is a big hole in my heart. My sweet mama I love you so much and miss you! I am an only child and I have one daughter and three grandchildren and the kids were her life. She lived for them and so loved them and us. I know without a doubt my mother is in heaven and that is comforting but I still wish I would have stayed with her all night on Mother's Day.

May 07, 2013
I Miss My Mom so so much - My life is so Empty
by: Doreen U.K.

Linda I am sorry for your loss of your Mom. It doesn't matter how old we are we are never prepared to lose our mothers. I lost my mother 10yrs. ago and just feeling the sorrow now on top of losing my husband to cancer 1yr. ago on Sunday. The feelings of emptiness and lonliness are like nothing we have ever experienced. Death leaves us with such unbearable pain. Crushing us we just don't know how we can go on in life. I felt the same way as you did. I kept saying I can't wait to die not realising my youngest daughter was suffering losing her dad and she would not want to lose her mom also. I was very careful after that to not express myself this way again. I am happy for your having good supportive neighbours and friends who will be able to help you move forward. Take one day at a time and build up a life for yourself that will bring meaning again into your life. I am forced to find things to do in life that will help me get through each day. This is an experience that will cause us to never live with such happiness again in the same way. Emptiness and lonliness are the new problems we now have to live with. It will be a struggle for us moving forward and starting to build up our lives again so late in life. But we don't have a choice. It is SINK or SWIM. But we can only do this pacing ourselves. I have God in my life to help me get through each day otherwise life would be harder. WE have to have a FOCUS. Once you are able to focus on something each day you will start to feel less sad and more in control of your grief and how it will move in time.

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