I miss my Nannan so much.
My Nannan was more than just my Nannan. She was my best friend and was like a mother to me. I haven't had a wonderful life and I'm only 19. My parents don't put me first and they never have. My dad puts his wife first and my mum puts herself first so I was so fortunate to have a grandmother who loved me like nobody else ever had and ever will. She was the only girl out of her three brothers, she always wanted a sister and she always wanted a daughter. However she had three sons. It's not easy growing up and living around a family of mainy males, I would also know seeing as our family is mainly men. My uncle had 2 children and they are also both males. And then my mum and my dad had me, a girl. She was absolutely made up and throughout my whole life she spoilt me aand showed me so much love and affection. She was always on my side, no matter what. She listened to me and she gave me the best advice possible. She adored me and I adored her.
I wasn't always the best grand daughter.
I've had a rough upbringing and I've lost my way many of times. I didn't always treat her as well as I should have. I betrayed her trust, I lied to her at times and I know that I hurt her. But despite the things I did, she stood by me regardless. She was always on my side and she didn't love me any less. She gave me a home to live in, she gave me the stable life that I deserved. She looked out for me and as shocking as her advice was sometimes, it was true and she meant well.
I can't even begin to explain my love for her. I was blessed to have had her as my grand mother. She saved me from my parents and she made me feel wanted, loved and she made me feel like I was worth something. I am so grateful for every little thing that she has done for me and for loving me as much as she did. She made me who I am.
Only 4 months ago I lost her. She had a stroke and it all happened so fast. She had just come back off holiday, I was at my mums 100s of miles away. I came back the next day and went to see her in hospital which was absolutely heart breaking. Everyone was talking about her recovery. She was paralised on the whole of the right side of her body so there was a lot of discussion in that she would have to learn to walk again etc. I was just looking forward to being able to speak to her again, properly. A few days later, my dad spoke to me and said that her condition had worsened and that there was nothing that could be done for her and that she would die. I felt like I was looking in on someone else's life, I couldn't believe that this was even happening. But it was and she passed away peacefully the next day.
I've been through the denial, I denied her death for weeks. Even at the funeral I denied that any of this was even happening. I felt absolutely nothing, I was numb. But then when it hit me I began to regret so many things. The biggest thing I regret is on the day of her stroke, she text me asking me when I was coming home and I just replied 'I don't know.' I wish I had said that I don't know and that I love her. I didn't tell her enough how much I loved her. There's so much I wanted to know that I will now never find out. I want to know if she's in a better place, I want to know that she is okay. I want her to know how much I love her and how much I appreciated her. I hope that she is at peace. She was such an honest and a faithful woman. I miss her so much, I lost the only person who cared for me the most. I feel lost and I'm still in a dark place right now, although I act strong and I try to carry on because I know that's what she would have wanted. I'm a lot like she was, emotionally strong, caring, loving. That's one thing that gets me by, knowing that I'm like her. I feel like I have a part of her inside me.
That's my story, I've never a loved one before. I have learnt to realise that it never gets easier. I have just learnt to live without her as best as I can. But there is not a day that goes by where I don't think about her and miss her and wish I could tell her so many things. I miss her voice, she had such a beautiful voice.