I miss my Son Johnny...
by Proud Father
Loved to hunt...
One month ago today, our 19 year old Son Johnny had a terrible accident and passed away. He had DMD and was confined to a wheelchair. The chair was both blessing and a curse for him. It allowed him to have the freedom to move around on his own but at the same time he hated it because it was a daily reminder of his terrible disease and limitations. On 8/16/11 while I was at work, he dropped an item on the floor. He made the decision to un-buckle his seatbelt to reach down to pick it up. He fell forward out of his chair up against the wall in front of him which pinned him between the wall and chair and he was unable to breathe. Because of his DMD, he did not have the strength to move himself and he suffocated alone, without me there to help him. I am trying to be strong, I am trying to say to myself that this was just a terrible accident, I try to tell myself that he is now "free" from his illness and with Jesus, I try to tell myself that it is "Gods Plan" and he wanted my Son home Ecclesiastes 3:1, Romans 8:28, I try to convince myself that I did everything I could by reinforcing NOT trying to pick things up off the floor and wait for me to get it. He had fallen out of his chair once before doing the same thing but there was not a wall in front of him so he just laid on the floor till I helped him back into his chair. Over and over again we would talk about keeping his seatbelt on. When the accident happened, his 14 year old brother is the one that came home from school and found him. I am so lost and feeling guilty. I love my Son with all of my heart. I was as prepared as I could have been for DMD to end his life in his mid-20's. I was not prepared for this to happen. I am having a very hard time with this and trying to not blame myself but can't seem to get all of the "What-if's" out of my head. He was 19, he was mentally an adult with all of the desire to be an independent person, knew the rules and dangers. But I am the one that made the decision to leave & go to work. I feel responsible for what happened by not being there for him when he needed me most. My wife and I were separated and my boys living with me. He was my responsibility and I failed. He is now gone. I cry every single day but still need to go to work, be there for my other kids and try to comfort my wife the best I can. This is the most difficult thing I have ever had to go through. It is so hard and I just don't know what to do. I had to bury my Son and do not get to hear his voice, his laugh, See his smile, help him in and out of bed and be there for him anymore. Today is especially hard.
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