by Carol Saenz
(Kansas City, Ks)

Dad <3

Dad <3

Death is always a scary thing for anyone to deal but when you go through your father's death at a young age, it scars you even more. My dads been gone for 3 years now and I am still in denial of it. He's buried in Mexico, so I make it seem as if he was just in Mexico still in vacation or something. My dad moved to Mexico like 5 or 6 years ago so I hardly got to talk to him and all... Me and my dad had a short daughter and father relationship because my parents got divorced when I was little but it didn't stop my dad from being a great father. i saw my dad whenever i basically wanted but since i was 13 when he died and very little to remember the memories with my dad back then i feel like i hardly got any real memories. My dad was an amazing man who always tried to make sure his kids were doing the right thing and acted right. my dad always had my whole family laughing and he basically was our rock. he had that tough love that we all needed. my dad got sick from his liver and he got real skinny and basically there was nothing else doctors could do so he died on july 22nd 2009...when i found out as soon as i got home from being with my friend i felt numb and just cried. i felt lost and confused. everyone says i have his smile and his heart and strength and I'm so honored that i do because i wouldn't have it any other way. I'm the baby of the family so of course it hurts me when my older sisters talk about the memories they have of him since i barely got some with him but its okay. i just wish i woulda had more time with him. i miss him because i want him to guide me, to support me and to lead me the right way. he would be the person cheering me on to be someone big in life. many people think I'm okay because I'm smiling but i still grief. i get angry and emotional outta nowhere sometimes. i have the worst attitude towards people especially my family who don't deserve it because I'm still angry at myself for not talking and being with him more when i could've. it kills me to know that i rejected his call once to go to a stupid party. i am so dumb. i always feel so insecure and feel vulnerable because i feel like any moment someone else who is important in my life will be taken away from me or leave me. its true i think i have abondonment issues. I'm scared honestly to be alone because i just simply don't have my dad around. it sucks so bad not to have that backbone in your life. people tell me i inspire them because I'm still here and I'm strong. but honestly I'm only still here and being the strong person for my dad and my family. I am my father's daughter and i will forever be it and nothing else. i miss you APA. <'3

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