I miss you daddy

by Diana yafi
(beirut, Lebanon )

I miss my dad and feel that a piece of me died, a piece of my heart is gone and I'm in pain. It all went too fast. In less than a month my dad was feeling tired and weak of a probable flu he thought. He was deteriorating quickly in 2 weeks so we convinced him to consult medical help. He was found severely anemic requiring blood transfusions. Investigations started and my dad was found To suffer from MDS(myelodisplatic syndrome) which is fibrosis in the bone marrow. We were told it's manageable and my dad may live with his disease for years. I prayed a lot that my dad will live long to witness my wedding, but this didn't happen. In another 2 weeks my dad was feeling worse, pain, fever, and poor appetite leaving me and my mom feeling helpless. We were waiting for a new treatment that is under study for MDS. we always told my dad about it and were doing our best to make him feel better. After 16 days of his first admission, my dad lost lots of weight and couldn't sleep from his pain. We took him to the emergency department and found out he had a very high white blood count (33000)although it was Normal few days earlier and a myocardial infarction in his heart. He required intensive care unit on Thursday and an endoscopic procedure for the heart on Friday. I left the hospital at 11pm and promised to come back the next early morning to be with him during the procedure. I kissed his forehead and his hand. And that's was our last moment together. He passed away at 4am when I was sleeping in my bed. I was in shock, and still have residual shock feelings, or denial feelings. My dad was walking, speaking, joking and alive and suddenly he was gone. What hurts me the most is that I'm an only child and feel that no one in the world knows exactly how I feel, just me! I'm 23 preparing for my wedding next year, now I feel dead inside and 10 years older. It's been a week since I lost my daddy and it feels like today. I don't think I can be as happy again in my life. I don't know how I'll be able to celebrate my wedding, birthday, new year's eve or any other occasion without him. He's every where in the house. I see his shadow on his couch and know that it's not going to be easy. Sometimes I feel better but then it hits me and an excruciating pain fills my heart and stomach. I just miss him a lot and ask God to let him be in a better place where he is happy. We've been told the next day after my dad's death that he wasn't accepted in the study and he wouldn't have received treatment, my daddy would have suffered. This eases my pain a bit because we didn't get to see him suffer and feel that we are unable to help. But he's gone anyways and I feel so weak. I'm the saddest I have been in my life and life feels unworthy... I wish I knew I would have spent his last hours with him. I would have hugged him till his last breath and told him how much I love him. I only ask for his soul to rest in peace and that God grants us the patience through these tough and endless days... Daddy I miss you!

Comments for I miss you daddy

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May 04, 2013
I miss you daddy
by: Doreen U.K.

Diana I am sorry for your loss of your dad a week ago. It is one of the worst experiences you will ever go through. This pain of grief cannot be imagined. The pain is so crushing and unbearable. Denial is a way of the body coping with loss and the pain of grief. It happens whether we like it or not. We can't control it or make it stop or go away. It will work itself out of our system as and when we cry and grieve in a natural way. Grief doesn't happen all at once. It happens in stages and in places not convenient to cry. But let your crying happen. don't stop it otherwise you will repress this and it will be harder to grieve and may turn into depression. Grief (crying) is a normal and health part of loss. It is where we get our healing from over Time.
I lost my husband of 44yrs a year ago Tomorrow 5th May. But Today Saturday is the actual day he died and I remember it all as clearly as if it was yesterday. All the feelings you describe is what I feel one year later. I still see images of my husband on the couch, by the door, in the garage as if he is still here. It is weird as it happens in my memory and not like in a hallucination. When my husband was dying he was hallucinating and saw his father and a room full of people and wondered what they were doing here in our living room where he died. Perhaps people who had died and he knew. I wasn't prepared for his death. I expected a miracle. I guess this was his preparation for leaving this world.
It is things like missing your wedding, and not having him around each day that hurts. I miss the same things and will never get over my loss. It will only get easier to live with over time. But it will never go away. A loss forever. May you be well supported through your grief and receive the Comfort from God to sustain you through time.

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