I miss you Derek
by Chris Nutt
My husband died on 5th November 2013. He died from alcoholic cirrhosis. He quit drinking for a few years after spending nearly two months in hospital but went back to the occasional one or two. He was 59 and we had spent nearly 35 years together. There were some very very bad times when because of his alcoholism he could be really evil in the things that he said to me, but there were really good times too when he expressed his love of me in ways that were so beautiful. The way he told me I was prettier now than when we first met, he loved me more now than ever and without me he would have died years ago. The way, up until a few months before he died, that he made himself get up early in the morning even though he felt very ill just to make my tea before I went to work, how he always made sure he opened the door when he saw my car draw up outside the house. Just little things. I miss him so much, but I do regret not telling him how much I loved him when he was alive. I think he wanted to tell me this last time that he went into hospital that he would die, but I don't think I was really listening, I thought that he would be coming home again. I should have known and regret that. So many regrets.