I miss you Derek

by Chris Nutt

My husband died on 5th November 2013. He died from alcoholic cirrhosis. He quit drinking for a few years after spending nearly two months in hospital but went back to the occasional one or two. He was 59 and we had spent nearly 35 years together. There were some very very bad times when because of his alcoholism he could be really evil in the things that he said to me, but there were really good times too when he expressed his love of me in ways that were so beautiful. The way he told me I was prettier now than when we first met, he loved me more now than ever and without me he would have died years ago. The way, up until a few months before he died, that he made himself get up early in the morning even though he felt very ill just to make my tea before I went to work, how he always made sure he opened the door when he saw my car draw up outside the house. Just little things. I miss him so much, but I do regret not telling him how much I loved him when he was alive. I think he wanted to tell me this last time that he went into hospital that he would die, but I don't think I was really listening, I thought that he would be coming home again. I should have known and regret that. So many regrets.

Comments for I miss you Derek

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Apr 06, 2014
I'm Sorry
by: Anonymous

My husband had Cirrhosis of the Liver and drank himself to death on November 4, 2011. It is the saddest reality I and I have such hard time living it. I just wish I knew why I was left here to clean up so many messes he created.

It's just not fair. I miss him so very much

Jan 08, 2014
Me too
by: Anonymous

I lost my husband to liver failure too, and I know what a terrible, painfully slow wasting process it is. I never believed my husband wouldn't come back from the last hospital visit either. I too, have regrets, so many regrets, about things I wanted to say, and how I handled his hospital stay. I feel responsible like there was more that I could have or should have done. I feel like I had pressure to make decisions I was not mentally stable enough to make.

My husband had suffered a great deal of pain throughout his life, and my worst feelings are that I could not save him from this pain. He did everything for me. Once when he was so weak, we were moving from one house to another, and he drove me to work, stayed in a cold, dark, empty house nearby until I was done . . waiting for me, just so he could drive me home. He always wanted to take care of me, and I don't feel like I did enough to take care of him.

I hear that these are normal thoughts, but it doesn't make it any easier. It has been almost 10 months now, and it is still very hard for me. I try to keep a brave face for the world but inside I am so broken and suffering.

I hope that you will find some peace, and keep adding to you blog so we can see how you are doing. We have similar situations and maybe we can keep in touch.

Take care

Dec 21, 2013
Oh the regrets...
by: Amanda

Chris, I so feel your pain and with all that I am I wish I could arrest the lonliness, anger, fear, frustrations and regrets. I also thought my husband was what I say bullet proof. He also had numerous medical interventions and had always come through, but this was one just too aggressive, too advanced and he was just so very very tired. It is lovely to hear that your Derek was able to express to you his love and dedication to you = that is something that you will have forever.
Take care Chris, anniversaries, special holidays, events and venues can be so bitter sweet and your health and happiness is paramount.

Dec 09, 2013
So Sorry
by: Lawrence

I am so deeply sorry I upset you by my remark “violent outbursts” I realize there was no justification for saying it and I shouldn’t have even presumed it.
I join with you in your grief for Derek and I know only too well the intense pain you are in, I also see what a good and fine man he was.

Dec 09, 2013
To Anonymouse
by: Lawrence

Dear Anonymous.
Thank you or your lovely words, needless to say they made me cry as almost anything does still even after nearly twelve months. I miss my lovely wife and sweetheart so much, although it isn’t as bad as it was after her death when I just wanted to die and be with her, after seventy years you become like one person.
But I am still here, trying to help other heartbroken spouses get over their incredible sorrow and to tell them if I can recover from my grievous loss, in time, so can they.
I’m so sorry I missed your post.
I know how you are suffering; the pain of losing a cherished partner is like no other you will ever experience and the only consolation for us both, if there is one, is that they passed away quickly and I hope, painlessly.
It’s so hard living alone with no one to laugh, love and argue with, eating by yourself and coming into an empty house and sleeping in an cold bed. I still stretch my hand out in the morning hoping it was a bad dream and groan when I realize it’s true.
I have made a determined effort to ease my grief, I have started playing the violin again after stopping when I saw this beautiful fourteen year old girl at our youth club and decided I would much rather hold her than my violin any day, and the next seventy years proved to me it was a very wise decision.
My violin must have been very surprised to be taken out of its case after all those years.
I am learning how to play bridge which I must admit is taxing my brain, but I will get there.
I have joined a social club and attend their musical appreciation sessions and discussion groups, but I do realize I am just filling in time until I meet my beloved again.
We had a wonderful exciting life, travelled the world, and had two wonderful daughters and many grandchildren and a very successful business life in which we did everything together.
I am a musician and our happiest times when we were in our study, me playing the guitar or organ and singing, and her on her I PAD, we thought it would never end, how naïve we were.
She was the first girl I ever kissed and the last when I closed her eyes, kissed her and thanked her for a wonderful life, on her deathbed.
Now I’m alone, still thanking God for seventy years of such happiness and for sharing her with me.
Take care, and thank you once again.

Dec 08, 2013
Derek I miss you
by: Chris

Hi Lawrence and Doreen
Thank you both for your kind words.
I would just like people to know that there were never any violent outbursts from Derek, he was not a violent man, neither did he ever get drunk or sick in the street and rarely frequented pubs. Derek began drinking at home because of depression, unfortunately that is a downward spiral, depression led to drinking and drinking led to depression. For some people it only takes a short time of heavy drinking to develop liver disease. I stayed with him because I knew the person Derek was when he was not drinking was the kindest, gentlest, most loving man I will ever be lucky enough to know.

Dec 08, 2013
Lawrence, our posting angel
by: Anonymous

Dear Lawrence,
Wish you had noticed my post. My dear husband passed this March after three decades of wedded bliss. A heart attack got the best of him before we knew what was happening. Now my life is shattered and everything you express about your experience without your spouse is what I am now going through. We too, were inseparable. We lived for each other. No one will ever love me more. I am in shock and deep sorrow. Cant believe I am already looking at our life in the past. Now I have no one but the silence of a lonely home wondering where I will ever re-connect. He left too soon and too young. He was an example of how fine a human can be, that was my love.
Your words of comfort to people are warm and loving like the good people of my family that have long since past. I have found comfort in them because they are so humane unlike what I get from so called friends and family. I will be thinking of you on Christmas for this is now a milestone for you. I think you could have your own web site for grieving. Carry on for us all, Luv

Dec 08, 2013
No Regrets
by: Lawrence

No regrets, Derek knew how much you loved him, even the fact you stayed with him during his bouts of drinking and his violent outbursts showed him that.
Alcoholism is a curse and is responsible for so much heartache in the world and you were so brave to stay with him.
I must admit I have no experience of it being a lifelong teetotaler, but when I see TV reports of when the nightclubs close and the drunks spill out onto the street fighting and vomiting it makes me despair.
You are in the very early days of your grief, it’s just over a month and your life must seem so empty. I must admit you are on a very long and hard road to travel before you can accept he is dead.
The pain of being alone is devastating and overwhelming, I know you feel you will never stop crying or get back to normality.
I felt like you when I lost a precious wife just under twelve months ago after a lifetime of passion and love, I thought my life was at an end and that I would never recover from seeing my love die almost in my arms. Yet here I am trying to give you solace and hope, I never thought the tears would end and the sadness go.
To be honest they haven’t, I still cry but not as much, I know the sadness will never go completely nor would I want it to. But after nearly a year the intense pain has eased and I am trying to get on with my life, as you must when the grieving process gradually passes with the weeks and months.
Life will never be the same for you or me; I have just finished eating my breakfast alone as I will the rest of my meals, and I will be lucky to speak to anyone for the rest of the day. It is a very lonely life when your partner dies, with no one to chat and laugh or argue with, but this is life and it will happen to every survivor of a loving partnership.
Needless to say you are in very good company with all the heartbroken people on this web site; you have joined a club nobody wants to be membership of, read all the contributions, you will find they will help you enormously, they certainly did for me when I was in total despair.
Take care of yourself.

Dec 07, 2013
I miss you derek
by: Doreen UK

Chris I am sorry for your loss of your husband. We go through life with so many difficulties and try as hard as we can to do it right even when life makes no sense and we do some things wrong. It is not easy to spend time with each other these days due to the demands made on ones time and demands in life. I lost my husband to cancer 19 months ago. I learned tonight that my brother-in-law was in emotional pain due to his regrets of not spending more time with my husband before he died. So many things came in the way and before he knew it my husband died. We all live with regrets in life. It is part of our humanity. I learned not to cripple myself with my regrets and focus on those things I did get right. I write my regrets in SAND and I write my achievements in stone. We have to find a way to move forward from our pain of the past and not fret over what we can't change and try to change the things we can so we live with less regrets. I feel my loss more now than in the beginning. As time goes by each day I feel I miss my husband more. I dream of him a lot and last night I found myself in my dream crying so hard because I lost him. I felt uncomfortable when I woke up. I cope with life daily but the loss is felt a lot as there are always triggers that bring a memory to mind and this is something we can't avoid. We can all by honour our loved ones for who they were and what contribution they made to our lives. As you say it is all the small daily kindness's that makes our loss hurt that much more. I wish you comfort in your grief.

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