I miss you, Ma.

by Marcelino
(Queens, New York, USA)

August 18th, 2014. I wake up and get ready for work. As I dress, I check in on my grandmother. She was sleeping. I gently stroked her foot and she woke. "I'm thirsty." She spoke. She had been nearing her last days for a month now. I gave her a cup of water and she drank. She had to use a straw. Slowly, she sat up and turned to sit off of the bed. The whole time, all I said in my head was why are you still sick? Why is this still happening? She was hard of hearing so I had to be really loud when speaking with her, almost like yelling. I asked if she was okay, did she need anything? She needed to use her commode and so I helped her. This is what I'll never forget. I am a 22 year old man and have always been impatient and hated people who got things for which they didn't work. She had always tell me to be patient and that God has his plan. Anyway, as I was helping her, I noticed I was going to be late for work. My lack of patience emerged and frustration began to come over me. I was telling her hurry up, I have to go. While this was happening, she had no response and inched very slowly. Shortly, my aunt, who lives with me and my sister, came to take over for me. She told me not to yell at her. I walked away and went to work.

On my way, my mother called me saying that she was at my house and to come home quickly because my grandmother's heart stopped and the EMS were trying to resuscitate her. They succeeded and took her to the hospital. I ended up meeting with my uncle, the only one in our family with a car, and we drove to the hospital. There, she died. Four doctors all trying to save her. Pressing on her chest continuously. Her brittle bones surely already broken. We all stayed the night saying our sorrys and goodbyes.

A week later, the three day wake was over and she was cremated. We could not bury her because we could not afford it. In the Philippines, where we are from, when someone dies, people have a nine day wake and bury the dead on the ninth day. My grandmother's ninth day was her birthday. That day we celebrated her birthday and released white balloons for her. Everybody in the family finally got along well. No more problems.

September 8th, 2014. I'm at work typing this. I still don't know what I'm doing. I've accepted her death. I believe she is in heaven. I know she is happy. I told everybody in my family that we should be happy, too, because that is what she wanted. I'm writing this because I want to say a few things. That day she died, in the morning when I was impatient with her because I would be late for work, I arrived at work 10 minutes early. I was early for work. My own stupidity and impatience caused the last moment I shared with my grandmother to be horrible. I was so ungrateful for the time we should've shared. I could've just hugged her and told her that I loved her, but instead I was mad. I will never be able to forgive myself for it. I know she has forgiven me, but I can't. I'm sorry. Now, I think about her and all I remember are the times when she was sick. I can't even remember the good times. She raised me, my sister, and my cousin. I was the youngest. In our last moment, I didn't show my love.

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. All I know is today. Today, I remember her smile. Today, I miss her. Today, life has to go on. I am sure you are in heaven. I have never been more sure of anything in my life. I just hope I'm worthy enough to see you again when my times comes, if only just for a second. I love you and I miss you. Tomorrow, I will be missing you still.

Comments for I miss you, Ma.

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Sep 11, 2014
The last Drink
by: Joe A

I am a Hindu. We have a very strong believe that we should give water or milk to our dying loved ones especially just before they pass away. Guess your Grandmother loved you so much that she choose you to have the last drink. May God Bless Her

Sep 11, 2014
I miss you, Ma
by: Doreen UK

Marcelino you didn't know your grandmother would die, you were focused on being late for work. Better that you had asked your aunt or someone else in the household to take over the care of your grandmother. You speak earlier in your post of being impatient. Many of us have this problem. but with the many trials one has in their life it ends up teaching one to be more patient. See if this happens to you. The more problems you are beset with the more your patience will be put on trial.
When you say that you hate people that get something that they didn't work for may just be your problem that needs some attention.
Some people do get things handed to them on a plate through some inheritance or blessing whilst other's have to work extra hard for a crust.
Such is life. Not very fair to many people. I live in the western world that has always been easier than the third world and whilst we are blessed we are not immune to life's difficulties. I rely on God for all my needs and blessings. I don't overlook the needs of those less fortunate. WE in the western world do care and we do give. Whenever there is a call for help in some disaster the people in the West GIVE. So I hope that you will change your outlook and that life will treat you well and you will grow from your trials to become a young man with more compassion. I am sorry for your loss.

Sep 10, 2014
Help
by: Lorraine

Marcelino

I kind of know how you feel. My dad passed on the 25th august 14. He was buried on my birthday. I wasnt by his side when he died and the last time i had seen him alive i shouted at him. I am wrecked with guilt but i know he wouldnt want me to be suffering like this. I have cried a million tears and i have prayed to god and my dad that he hears me and accepts my forgiveness. I am not religious but when you are desperate you will do anything. I guess the only was we can get through this is to talk my friend

Sep 10, 2014
For give yourself
by: Therese Ireland

Hi so sorry for your loss.please try and forgive yourself as you sound like a caring young man. It is not easy caring for some one who is sick and it can be stressful seeing a loved one ill. You were stressed and late for work and most of us would react like that so please do not remember your last encounter, try to think of the good times and your love for each other.Remember your grief is a sign of your love.your grandmother knew you well and was not hurt by your words as she knew you loved her. Grief is so hard and I am still struggling a year later although I am better than I was this time last year.i find that writing to my mum in my diary helps me as I feel I am keeping in touch with her.Wishing you all the best.Therese

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