I miss you mamma

by Manuela

Hello everyone,
I lost my mother 3 months ago on Feb. 26th 2012 . She has been ill since November 1999 because of a brain tumor and we have been fighting for 12 years . I'm 31 and I'm an only child not married. My mom passed away at 66 years old. Definately too young. When I found out she was not well I was away, I live and work in England even though I'm Italian.
I knew she was in the hospital but I thought she was gonna recover like the other times in 12 years. This time she didn't.
I was at work the night she was not well, I got a text message on my phone from my dad saying " your mom is not well come as soon as you can". I didnt make it . When my flight landed my mom was already dead.
I didnt have the chance to say goodbye. I just hold the last image of the last time I saw her in my head. She was in intensive care at the hospital and she looked at me with watery eyes , holding my hand. She couldnt speak because she had a tracheotomy so they only way to communicate with me was though squeezing my hands or looking at me in the eyes.
I will never forgive myself to not have spent enought time with her , she missed me terribly and I gave more importance to my job . I hate myself for this.
Now I will not have the chance to see her again ever.
She will miss my wedding, birth of my first child, my next birthday ,and all the holiday.
At first I thought I could cope with her loss, now after 3 months I feel desperate. Many times I wish myself death to stop suffering so much.
I try to be strong for my dad but I feel hopeless.
Went to see a psychitric but he didnt help at all.
The only thing I need is Mom and she will never come back to me.All I have left is her things, memories and a video that I have on my iphone where she tells me how much she loves me and she misses me.
I played once in awhile when I really miss to hear her voice and I feel awful.
I cant believe she's not there anymore.
On February 2012 I lost my mom , and now I lost myself.

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May 30, 2012
im thinking of you (continued)
by: Christine

I have felt so lonely. And let down. By every one. But through therapy (I found a new therapist who was amazing for me. You have to find the right one and give it a few times. I never did therapy before this and never really knew if I wanted it, but I swear it has saved me during this time)I have learned to understand myself and my grief.
I now know that, when I get angry at my boyfriend or my father or someone else close to me, its most likely because they are not giving me what I need, because all I need is my mother. But by understanding that, I can forgive them and move on.
I am writing you because I so many times have been devastated, wishing that someone would have "warned" me. Warned me that things would be so hard.
I am warning you now.
Things will get extremely hard. You will be heartbroken for a very very long time.
But one day, like me, you will start crying again, like you do so many times, but you will realize that you are crying because you feel a slight bit of random happiness. And then you will start feeling like the ice-cube you have lived inside for a year and a half is melting and you can finally feel the sun on the tip of your finger, which has finally come out through the hard, cold ice.
I am now almost a year and 6 months into my grief.
I still have horrible days. Days on which I feel that the world can go f*** itself and I want nothing to do with anyone. Including myself.
And then I have days where, I am feeling this calm and strong peace inside of me. A strength that I know I wouldn't have if it hadn't been for the death of my mom.
A friend of mine once told me, when I was very upset and angry at the world, "be patient. Your mom is still teaching you."
I thought that was beautiful.
Manuela, you have a very hard time in front of you.
But I promise you, from one heart broken daughter to another, it WILL get better.

May 30, 2012
im thinking of you
by: Christine

Dear Manuela.
I lost my mom on Nov. 30 2010.
I am too an only child, 30 years old, not married and I have lived in a different country for 11 years.
Your mom knows. And she understands. And the last thing she would want is for you to blame yourself.
When I lost my mom, to cancer, I thought I would be alright. We had a beautiful ending to her life.
I went back to my life after a month. I then continued to live the way I did before. However, without knowing I managed to push away my long time boyfriend, my best friends, even my father.
I too said, "this therapist isn't helping"
I honestly thought I was fine.
About 7 months after her passing, things started to change. I started getting very sad. My life crumbled. Not that I wasn't sad during the first time, just.. I can't really explain it.
I thought to myself "well, its natural that your mom dies, move on!!!"
My mom was also my very best friend.
7 months in I realized that no matter how much I tried to force myself to keep being strong and successful I was breaking.
I had no idea that things would get worse and worse. This was my first loss and I thought things in the beginning, the actual loss, the funeral, all those things, were the worst. I was wrong.
(im going to cut here and continue in a different one below.. since it can only be 3000 characters)

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