I miss you more every day

I lost my husband four months ago to suicide while he was incarcerated. What makes this so hard to bear is I thought his being arrested would save his life. He was addicted to prescription painkillers and nerve meds.

We took care of his Dad who was bedfast and had been in poor health for years. I will never know why but I can only guess that he could see himself in that hospital bed one day, with tubes coming out of him, and he decided he wasn't going out like that.

I am sure he felt like he let everybody down by being out driving and getting arrested in the first place. I just want 5 more minutes to get the answers I need to be able to go on and raise the kids. The grief is getting harder to deal with. I have been breaking down more everyday.

I need answers that will never come. Why? After I called and warned everybody at the jail of what he had threatened, could this happen? He was in there for 3 days. Then gone. I knew as soon as I answered the phone expecting to accept a collect call and hearing someone else's voice. I knew but all I could say was NO!

I picked out your clothes, made all the arrangements, everybody said I did good but now when everybody has quit calling and coming by I feel like i am losing it. They say call, me no matter the time, but who wants to be woken up at 5 in the morning with someone who can't sleep?

I haven't been able to sleep for four nights now cause I know that is when he was sitting awake trying to figure out how to fix the sheet and not wake up his cell mate. I can't imagine the state he was in to go through it. Knowing he was leaving behind a four year old who thought the sun rose and set in his Daddy. To leave behind a 14 year old son who needs his Dad, whether he will admit it or not. And to leave behind a stepdaughter who he was a Dad to and who had lost her own dad to cancer a year before.

So many questions. So many people to have to be strong for. I pray for this to get easier. Everybody has told me it will one day.