I miss you my beloved Billy, my Soulmate - The fighter- the protector- the pure love and care
by Hilda Patty
(Mountain View, CA US)
Anything for that piece of ham!
Today is February 27, 2013, and it has been only 4 days since my little Billy departed this world, on Saturday February 23rd 2013 around 4:15PM
Billy and I met for the first time in from of my apartment building.I was coming home at night on Veteran's day 2001. I saw a kitty running away from the door when my friend's car approached the ramp to drop me off. I look at him and saw this beautiful eyes looking at me. His eyes had this unusual black edge around them. I got off the car to see who that little fellow was. I approached him and he quickly came to me. He meowed to me. It got a small scratch on his little pink nose. I felt he was very hungry and thirsty. However, I lived with other 2 cats and I thought I might not have room for one more. We created and instant connection. I thought he was only a street cat, so I tried to leave him and bring him some food. Then I walked to the door. He followed me, and I could not resist but to take him with me. I fed him and gave him water. He was really hungry and tired. He felt asleep on my lap.
I remember a few weeks before, I was feeling very lonely and wish I had a little special friend to share my life with. Few weeks later he came to me. The moment he felt asleep on top of my legs, I knew that was the friend I was waiting for.
11.5 years later I was saying goodbye to him. I was telling him it was ok to go. I was telling him. It is ok. I will be ok. I promise I will take care and love myself as much as he loved and cared for me. His love will stay in my heart forever. He is free to run in nature like he always wanted to. I was so grateful to everything he did. I told him how much I admired his strong will, perseverance, and humor. He stayed strong all these time until his last breath, and I was there until his last moment.
Days before his departure, we develop a stronger communication with each other. It was like talking with someone else. I knew exactly what he needed, what his requests were, his little jokes, and why he was still trying to stay alive for so long. Even the last moments of his life, he kept his head up. He died with dignity, at home, close to his favorite spot on a clean towel with candles and heart stones by his side, the sun shining through the door, fresh air entering the house, with natural nurturing music, and close to the people who love him the most.
Months before his death, Billy had his first episode. Vets told me the kidneys failed to great extent. His numbers were really high, and vets told me to prepare to let him go in weeks or even months. I was devastated. It was like my heart had been ripped and left it exposed. I felts he wanted to try to live longer. Vets suggested to give him fluid therapy, strictly K/D diet, and meds.3 days later, Billy had fully come back to us. He looked 100%, energetic, hungry, loud meow-talking, and funny again! This gave me so much strength to continue trying to get him better. However a couple of months later he had another episode, this time it was together with excessive drooling with blood. He was weak and really dehydrated, but he was really hungry! Took him back to vet, and the numbers were higher than last time. The vets and I knew he wanted to go on , and gave us the strength to continue trying. Again, after fluid therapy, 3 days in the hospital, and lots of love, he recovered one more time. His numbers were high still. We brought him back home, he looked weak, but furiously hungry. Vets were impressed to see him that strong after looking at the high numbers, but were not very hopeful. When I brought him back home, I perceived he was very upset with the therapy. I promised him would not hospitalize him again. I removed all medications and continue with the fluids daily to keep him hydrated. He lasted well for a couple of weeks, and then his last episode happened. He became weaker, peeing around the house, looking for the bath tub, but still hungry! The uremia became worse to the point that he could not eat anymore. At times, it seemed he was hungry and approached the food as he would eat it, but after first try, he would stop. He ate less as days pass by. I made his own food at home and try to feed him. He was still up thou, standing tall like he didn’t want me to see him weak. Like saying: Look I am well…no worries!
Days pass by and his body became weaker, but he was still trying to walk and did use litter box. Then he started to sleep more and stay in quiet places. Until one day after I washed his paws and cleaned his fur, he just decided to stay in the bathroom. He picked a place for resting all day. I prepared it with pads, litter box, and water. It was there where he spent almost a week before his departure. I spent most of the week with him. I told him stories, we listened to relaxing music, I sang to him. I lay down next to him. I cleaned him. We went outside for fresh air and sun. We prayed! I asked him questions. One of the questions I asked was, if he wanted to take him back to the vet. Of course the answer was no. My hopes were always up. I even imagined him getting better again because he was always aware of everything, but I knew he was already getting ready to go.
Few days before his departure, I knew he had already come to acceptance before me. It was me who was not ready yet. The next day, my husband asked me if I was going to feed him as always, and I said no. I think this is it. I would not try anymore. I accepted the fact he will go, now my only wish was to give him a respectful space and I asked to be present. My communication with him was so strong. All the things I did towards the end came as a request from him.
That morning, I took him to my bed and placed him next to me and spent about an hour together. Then I took him outside for fresh air and sun. At this point he no longer stood up, his breathing was shallow, but he was still really aware of his surrounding. The last funny thing he did was to ask me for a piece of ham. My husband was preparing lunch, and he smelled the ham. His nose led him to the direction where the smell was coming from. His head stood up, and I offered him a piece. He bit it and ate it! Then went back to rest. For me was hope again, but then he just did not try anymore. A few hours pass by, and I was sitting on the sofa. My husband came to me and said his breathing has gotten louder. I ran to the bathroom and saw him there. I knew it was time. Together with my husband prepared a special sacred place for his departure.
Moments before his departures, we held paw and hand. We said I love you over and over. We thanked each other. I told him I wanted to come with him. I told him I did everything he has asked me to do and reassured there was not anything else he wanted. I reassured he was ok with me being present. In return, I got a sense of comfort that meant – yes stay! Then I felt he wanted the patio door opened, so I asked my husband to open it. I stood up went to the kitchen and heard him attempting to get up. I came back to him. My husband was cleaning his litter box, and my other cat got close to Billy. I suddenly felt this energy of rejection towards my other cat and asked my husband to take him to the other room. When my husband came back to finish cleaning the litter, then it was when Billy’s moment to say good-bye to the two of us arrived. He made a growling sound, open his mouth wide, then his breathing stopped, and his heartbeat started to slow down until there was none. I have witnessed my Billy’s last breath. That very moment when his heart completely stopped, I had a sense of relief that he had made it safe, that he was noy suffering, and that now he was truly in peace. We prayed that very instant for his soul to be safe. He died with dignity like a true warrior!
Then several minutes later I realized that part of my soul had also departed with him. Wow! I had to come back to myself feeling lonely again, feeling my heart in little pieces. I will not see him again. He will not respond to me again. I wanted to have super powers to bring him back to me. I wanted his body to move. I already miss him so much. My little fighter, my warrior, my companion, my little soul! You are not here anymore. You left a huge space in my heart now. I spent all day Saturday, Sunday, and Monday crying, facing an enormous pain.My husband has been by my side, so grateful!
The cremation happened almost 2 days later (Monday). I wished to have his body honored at the place of his death for at least a day. I left his candles lit all the time.
I called several places for cremation. Most of them will take his body and return the ashes in 5-10 days. Another one asked me to meet at a parking lot to give his body and will call me when ready….In a parking lot? That moment I realized my Billy’s body had to be cremated in a special way. we finally found a place located an hour away from home. It is a pet cemetery that also does cremations, and we could witness the whole cremation process, and we could take his ashes the same day. I felt good that this was last thing for my loyal and caring companion. It is the last thing I wanted to do for him. I know that he was not in that body anymore, but that body served him in so many things. This little body brought him to me. It allowed him to give lots of loud purrs, loud meows, pettings, love, care, give us many laughs, do wonder jumps, provide warmth on my belly, give greetings when we arrive home, beg for a piece of ham, sleeping next to me, etc. His little body did not deserve to be left in a parking lot or in a vet’s office. His body had to be treated really special just the way he was to me.
A candle still vivid next to his ashes located at the sacred place where he died, as symbol of his bright soul!
I love you my gatito, my soul mate, my fighter…I will always love you and your legacy of love, care, and strength will remain in my heart for as long as I live.
We will meet again at the Rainbow Bridge