I Miss you My Two Bears

by Hening Lawson
(Jakarta, Indonesia)

As my husband of 62 years old passed away on that day, Wednesday, April 25, 2012, the anguish and the pain within me welled like a dam ready to burst, my future seems bleak and dark. The first thing come in my mind was how can I live without you, Baby? 

I never imagine that my dear Hubby will leave me this soon. Our wedding day was seem like yesterday. When we both said our vow, that we will love each other, saying I love you everyday, and we will be together till death do us part. But I didn't realize that this "till death do us part" come this soon. I wasn't prepared for this separation. I believe nobody will prepare for this apart. We were only briefly married, 1 year 7 months with him being away for work as a consultant in Doha with 28 - 14 rotation made us not having physically time together.  I feel my pain and anger at the unfairness boiled inside me. How can it be like this? This is totally unfair...

My dear Hubby's death leaves an emptiness that is hard to fill within me. There’s no one in the house with whom to share the events of the day, discuss the fabrics color for my quilts, the bills that we have to pay, talked about the movies, and achievements of his grandchildren and our niece, Alika. 

It is not just that I will miss my husband’s company, his sense of humor, his cooking, his steaks, and his astute and acerbic commentary at movies. There are also practical issues that serve as daily reminders of his absence. Who will make me scramble eggs for breakfast the way I want it, arrange the ticket for our travel,  grill the steaks for me, comfort me when I'm sad and feel down? What about our dream house? That we planned to build in our land, the house with all the details that we discussed together? With a big space for barbeque for him? 

Billy died on April 25,  28 days before his birthday,  19 days before our trip to Oklahoma, USA for our summer holiday and to attend his 45th High School Reunion in Duncan, Oklahoma. As always he already arranged the ticket to go to Oklahoma, but this time he hasn't paid it. He said he will pay the ticket on Friday this week as he wanted to go to Qatar Airways office to upgrade my ticket. 

I do realize that my life is very rich. I have many interests, a wonderful, caring family and a large network of dear friends to whom I can turn for emotional support, advice and companionship. My sister, my brother and my sister in law love me with all their heart. They support me 100%, but it's just different without a spouse/husband on my side. I can tell and share anything with him, my doubt, my plan, my dream, my fear, and my happiness.

I lost my father, whom I adored and who remained an extraordinarily important person in my life until he passed away in March 31, 2006 when I was a 35 year-old and I was still single. Though sad about all he would miss — especially the grandchildren he doted on — I managed my sadness about my lost of him. I cried for years after my father passed away, as I was his baby girl. And I wasn't on his side when he's gone. I was in Florida that time visiting my friend and I couldn't get flight on time as there was storm and snow in Denver. 

I have no children with Billy, but his 2 daughters from his previous marriage, Jesicca and Misty are very nice to me. My relationship with them is very good and close. Especially since my Hubby passed away. I chat via skype often and also emails almost everyday. We support each other, we cried together and shared story about how we overcome the sadness, hiw we face our day without him anymore. We still cried sometimes whenever we chat on skype if we talked about him. 

My dear Hubby was a wonderful husband, he was a great man and a lovely father and caring Papa to his grandchildren. He had a big heart. An old friend of him long time ago in Balikpapan, Indonesia gave him a nickname Two Bears. Because his body was big. But not only his body that big, his heart also big. He loved to help people. His family was his precious thing. He always communicate his his girls almost everyday via email or phone call. Even if he and his daughter world apart but their relation was really close.

For his friend close friends he was Two Bears. For his daughter he was Great Dad. For his grandchildren he was Papa Bear. For me he was my Baby, my love, my everything. Rest in peace my love. Rest in peace my Two Bears. You will be missed dearly. I love and miss you, Baby! See you in my dream again tonight...

Comments for I Miss you My Two Bears

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Jul 27, 2012
Thank you very much
by: Hening Lawson

Dear Doreen,
Thank you very much for your sweet message and support. Your message make me do not feel all alone. You husband passed away not long after my Husband. This time is still really hard for both of us. I still cry everyday, I miss his company, I miss everything that we did together.
I didn't go to my kitchen for quite sometimes because the memory in the kitchen is very strong.
Each day is so hard for me as I'm missing him so much, wanting to tell him things I should have, my life seems to be have no meaning now. I will pray for you too. We both are going through the most heart breaking thing that can happen in this world, lose our husband!

Jul 27, 2012
I Miss you My Two Bears
by: Doreen U.K.

Hening I am sorry for your loss of your husband so soon after marriage. Your story made me cry. You expressed all the things we all who have lost a husband feel. It is the simple and little things in life that add to its happiness. The cooking a husband does. the little shopping trips to buy something special to cook. Birthday dinners out. Being able to celebrate an anniversary. All the things we take for granted as happening automatically as a part of our lives. ALL GONE. FINISHED. I had been married 44years and had many memories. You just started out in life and did not get the chance we all have with long marriages. It is a very hard place to be. It does feel unfair and tragic. My husband died 11 weeks ago tomorrow of cancer. He was in pain and unwell for over 3yrs. I forgot what life was like when he was well. All I have are the sad and bad memories of living with cancer and watching my beloved husband of 44years die slowly. Watch the pain in his face and his sad eyes. Feeling helpless and hopeless that there was nothing he could do. His fate was decided. Every day we didn't know if it was his last. One can't imagine what it would be like. Steve wondered what the experience of dying would feel like. I told him. It is just as if you went to sleep. Only you don't wake up. Steve passed peacefully on 5th May 2012. I live in England and we are having the opening ceremony of the Olympics and Steve won't be here watching the ceremony with me. Steve loved sport and was denied any more pleasures in life. Life now is EMPTY AND LONELY.
I hope that the days ahead for you will get a little easier and that your support structure in you having a very loving and supportive family will surround you and help you through the difficult days ahead.

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