I miss you Zoey

by Liz

It has been a week since I made it the horrible decision to put my 14 year old little girl to sleep. I am struggling with awful grief. I wake up in the middle of the night with knots in my stomach thinking about how it was not her time, that I let her down. She was a fighter and had never complained. I felt so overwhelmed with a permanent move out of state, thinking about how she might suffer in a long trip. I know there's nothing that can stop the deterioration of kidney disease but she was tough and she might have done alright.

What was I thinking. I have another dog with arthritis and beginning stages of kidney disease and I have to carry her out like 6 times to go to the bathroom. Sometimes she doesn't have Tim to get off her bed. She is also suffering from anxiety. A cat with diabetes and 8 other healthy dogs to care for. So I wonder if I was exhausted, stressed, overwhelmed and I rushed. I think she would've perked up if I had given her more sub q fluids. She had been at the vets two days before and gotten fluids and that morning I gave her some but not enough. I worried about her heart so I thought less would be better. It wasn't. I am now sure she was dehydrated and she became lethargic. She would look up at me and I would just pet her and she would go back to sleep. She had been able to get up from her bed to go to the bathroom. Had a little bit of water. Her BUN levels were 135 and vet said her kidneys were at 25% but I read that they can function at even 10%.

I betrayed her. Her diarrhea had been controlled, was not vomiting, no blood, no seizures. I had been feeding whatever she wanted. She didn't like the special kidney food and she ate baby food, like Vienna sausage. She had actually gained two lbs. I have waited too long with other pets and said I wouldn't do that but thinking I took her life too soon is making me feel worst.
She was cremated and I got a key chain with some of her remains. Zoey came to my life as a foster at 8 years old. She had not had a good life. I had her for 6 short years. She never barked, complained or destroyed anything. Her biggest enjoyment was seeing me come home. She didn't pay attention to the other dogs and just wanted to be around me. I hope she forgives me, for now I can't forgive myself.

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Sep 04, 2016
Peace for Zoey
by: Kim

Dear Liz,

Please don't blame yourself any longer. You did all you could for your sweet Zoey. I have been told that guilt is a big part of the grieving process. Allow yourself to feel it all, but know that you did what you had to do and sweet little Zoey is no longer suffering. Kidney failure is tough...you did the right thing for her! Please don't blame yourself. Zoey doesn't blame you for ending her life. She is grateful that you allowed her to finally rest!

My thoughts are with you as you grieve this excruciating, painful time. I put my sweet Max to sleep over 6 weeks ago, and although I am still "ambushed" with grief at times, acceptance does come, however slowly. Blessings to you and Zoey.


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