I miss you Zoey
It has been a week since I made it the horrible decision to put my 14 year old little girl to sleep. I am struggling with awful grief. I wake up in the middle of the night with knots in my stomach thinking about how it was not her time, that I let her down. She was a fighter and had never complained. I felt so overwhelmed with a permanent move out of state, thinking about how she might suffer in a long trip. I know there's nothing that can stop the deterioration of kidney disease but she was tough and she might have done alright.
What was I thinking. I have another dog with arthritis and beginning stages of kidney disease and I have to carry her out like 6 times to go to the bathroom. Sometimes she doesn't have Tim to get off her bed. She is also suffering from anxiety. A cat with diabetes and 8 other healthy dogs to care for. So I wonder if I was exhausted, stressed, overwhelmed and I rushed. I think she would've perked up if I had given her more sub q fluids. She had been at the vets two days before and gotten fluids and that morning I gave her some but not enough. I worried about her heart so I thought less would be better. It wasn't. I am now sure she was dehydrated and she became lethargic. She would look up at me and I would just pet her and she would go back to sleep. She had been able to get up from her bed to go to the bathroom. Had a little bit of water. Her BUN levels were 135 and vet said her kidneys were at 25% but I read that they can function at even 10%.
I betrayed her. Her diarrhea had been controlled, was not vomiting, no blood, no seizures. I had been feeding whatever she wanted. She didn't like the special kidney food and she ate baby food, like Vienna sausage. She had actually gained two lbs. I have waited too long with other pets and said I wouldn't do that but thinking I took her life too soon is making me feel worst.
She was cremated and I got a key chain with some of her remains. Zoey came to my life as a foster at 8 years old. She had not had a good life. I had her for 6 short years. She never barked, complained or destroyed anything. Her biggest enjoyment was seeing me come home. She didn't pay attention to the other dogs and just wanted to be around me. I hope she forgives me, for now I can't forgive myself.