I must have cooties Or is it the "W" on my forehead?

by The lonely Widow
(embarrassed to say)

I wonder if I am the only one in attendance of this pity party. So, I think I am doing better.. Grief is no longer a constant companion, just an unwelcome visitor from time to time. Yet friends (?) make plans and break them...unreliable? Not a true friend? Or is my grief showing through eyes that don't lie? Or in this case my voice, Did it sound desperate as I attempted to meet for coffee at Target?

I am quite proud that I am just now attempting some semblance of social skills. The loneliness and companionship of my 12 year old is suffocating me.

I do not want another man, My heart still belongs to the one that has been gone for a year and a month 1/06/11. Just for me to attend Any function without intent on talking about my (dead) husband is, well is significant progress.

My opening line, had I been able to use it might have been: So what's going on with you? and then actually listen to someone else instead of my own breaking heart.

Not that people are putzes, just that in our condition (ongoing grief) the last thing we need is people that cannot or will not keep their promises...

Comments for I must have cooties Or is it the "W" on my forehead?

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Dec 24, 2011
I must have cooties
by: Mari

Thank you so much for the widowhood part 2 info. I realize that what you say is true, that we are living a different lifetime. The strange feelings are passing somewhat. But I still wonder about things like,Would my husband like the car I bought? Or would he like the house I refurnished and painted? He always admired what I did around here. I also have changed jobs since he passed away.That has been 10 months ago.I can see that he was a great asset to the condo assn and I am managing it all now.We bought our condo in 92 and were asked to manage first thing. The grandchildren still miss him and he adored them.
I think I am alright. I say ''I think'' because life is just so different around here.Well, God is here too and that helps me.He is with you too.
Take care and keep posting.

Jan 11, 2011
Try so hard (to believe)


I like the comment someone made the other day,
Widowhood part 2. That is exactly what it is like. We survived (barely) initial Grief. Once the shock and disbelief wore off and reality kicked in it was still a dream-like trance in which we functioned.

So when you ask if we are living another lifetime?
Absolutely! This is a new life for us. We don't want it but must Adjust to it. Not much choice right? We have said and cried that we can't do this! Yet here we are... week by week, month by month doing what has to be done.

If I were doing things robot like it might not be so bad....But I am human and still feel the burn and hurt of my loss.

We do go on and it feels unreal even as we attempt to reach out for a new life new existence tired of grief ruling our every thought every moment.

I will Always Miss my Love, He died but My Love still is strong and will not wither away. Its not that I can't go on, I am... but without purpose or delight. Until I find the light, My light, my delight in life. I will work, will eat, will sleep and try Try so hard to be someone that I can live with, be proud of...

Jan 10, 2011
For Hope
by: Mari

Hope, you have helped others too and this site has been a real blessing. I am not sure how I found the site but glad I did. I think maybe the grief pastor told me about it.

Anyway I want to ask you something? I often feel I am living another lifetime. Everything is different now. I pay all the bills. I manage the complex. I do everything. Do you feel you are living another lifetime too?

I miss my husband and have received kindness and understanding from this board.

Nights are the worse for me because during the day I am usually very busy. I sometimes get in my car and put in a CD and just get out of here for a while. That does not stop me from missing my husband but this was his home too and I need to get away sometimes. Church helps. And so do all of you. God bless you. Mari

Jan 10, 2011
by: Krissy

I promise we will have lots of functions when I come home, just for the hell of it. I can't wait to get out and go to thrift stores and goodwill, and maybe that nice Chinese place across the river :)

I know exactly what you mean. When someone says they are going to do something, and they don't... I get upset with them, and it's just because we're still grieving, and we want to be able to count on someone, because the person we KNEW we could count on is no longer. People don't see that unless they are in our shoes. But, I think we are supposed to be patient... Which is hard, at least on my part.

Jan 10, 2011
For Hope
by: Jen


Thank you so much for your last response to my latest post.

I love this site and particularly the wonderful people in it that makes me comfortable to write exactly what i am feeling and no one is judging or thinking what is she on about!

Hope, you have helped me thro so many of my emotions, ups and downs as what you say always makes so much sense and often makes me smile.

We are all doing well thro helping and supporting each other thro what is a lonely, unwanted and completely uninvited situation and i thank you for your part in helping me.


Jan 10, 2011
for Pat
by: Mari

Hi Pat. I was reading your post and it occurred to me that I too felt the same as you about no one calling, but I had not called them either. Several things came to mind. One thing could be that they are not sure what to say or a bit ill at ease. Another is that people have busy lives and forget to call.

What I am going to do is make sure I call people to ask how they are. Then they will ask how I am doing. It is worth a try. So indeed I think you should call them. It just might ease your loneliness.

You have helped me because I usually get business calls here or from the kids and it has occurred to me that I do not make many personal calls outside of family.

You made me think. I am busy during the day but will make time to call people who were so kind when I lost my husband. I hope this helps. God bless you.

Jan 09, 2011
by: Mari

I am so sorry to hear of your loss, Buzz. Five weeks is not very long, and you need time to heal. I know you are going through a lot at this time.

All you can do is just take a day at a time.The healing stages cannot be avoided.
Rely on the Lord to help you get through each day. Take care of yourself. It isn't easy but with time you will feel stronger.

My husband passed away 11/22/09. Last year was difficult but I am doing better. I will always miss him. That will not change.

Keep up the faith and try to keep yourself busy. We are here for you. There are wonderful people on this board who really care. It is always nice to have people to talk to when you are going through so much.Feel free to post anytime. God bless you.

Jan 09, 2011
Time tells the truth
by: buzz

Five weeks since, my girlfriend died, i think it`s stinkin that she`s gone for good, that she's not on vacation or this has been a bad dream. When i really start thinking about, i get light head and a sinking feeling go to my stomach. Will this feeling ever end?

Jan 09, 2011
That happened me too
by: Jen


I remember doing a post something similar
you yours.

I had a lovely evening arranged for 10 friends arranged to come to mine. Each and every one let me down and i was seriously gutted.
I needed them so much at that particular moment and not one came to me when i needed them most.

Until you are in this unwanted situation no one, not one single person can even touch on the understanding that we all have for one another.

All the best from me to you.

Jen x

Jan 09, 2011
for Hope
by: Mari

You are right when you say people do not realize what a coffee date can mean to someone. There is something carefree about a coffee date. My husband and I went out to eat often and we also had our coffee dates.

I am coming along but miss things like that. I can actually laugh now thinking about my husband calling me at work inviting me to go have coffee or dinner and then saying,''You got money?'' He used to say he knew I had money ''somewhere'' and I would say,''just my Swiss bank acct''.I would let him choose where we would go and we always had fun. He never drove the car because he said if anything happened to it he would never hear the end of it. So you might say I miss my passenger.

You cannot imagine how quiet this house is without him. In fact this complex is so quiet anyway and I often come from church feeling like I am here all by myself. I look at his picture and tell him I love him.

I am very busy here a good deal of the time or church and that helps me until evening. I feel that we are gradually getting on with life but it isn't easy and being a widow changes our lives forever.

I just keep imagining how much he would love the new great grandaughter. What a little angel she is. I like to think he is watching from heaven. My grandaughter said she actually felt his presence near her at the hospital as she held her little girl.

I am not disappointed with anyone but was quite sensitive at first. I felt that no one could really understand my feelings. But we have to keep going and let time help us heal.

Jan 09, 2011
being a widow
by: Mari

Reading the posts I feel pretty much the same as everyone else. I am keenly aware that people are uncomfortable, (maybe not all) discussing my widow status. I don't think anyone knows how much I miss my husband unless they have gone through it. It is worse at night because I am by myself. The kids miss him too. I manage to get through the days because I stay busy.

God is with me and it gets me through. We are blessed too with a little girl all of 4 days old. She has brought much joy and I know my husband would be so very pleased. He loved each baby that came.

We just have to keep going and I feel we have done well considering our loss. We are stronger then we thought. As for the future we will always miss that person we loved so much but at the same time thank God we had him in the first place.
I care for all of you and together we will make it through. God bless .

Jan 09, 2011
The Calls Have Stopped
by: PatJ

My husband has been gone for only 5 weeks. I was receiving 5 calls a day from friends and family members. All of a sudden they seem to have stopped (about a week ago). I'm sitting here checking my phone to make sure it's working.
I think people are just uncomfortable with death. I'm thinking ~ should I call them? Maybe they think they'll be disturbing me and I just want to be alone. That's the last thing I want.

The loneliness is what's killing me right now.
If you are the same as I am, none of my friends have lost their spouses. I think the thought of that hitting so close to home frightens them.
We all have to stick together. I remember back when I was first married a lot of my friendships changed with girl friends who weren't married.

Maybe we need to seek out some new friends~friends who understand where we are coming from now.
God's blessings to you.

Jan 09, 2011
Just our new reality
by: Judy


I think that what you are saying is what we are all feeling at one point or another these days. Like you, my Bear has been gone a little over a year. Grief is not there constantly but pokes it's unwelcome self in my mind sometimes.

I think that people just go on with their lives and can't comprehend how much a coffee date can mean to someone, because they are not lonely, living without their best friend and lover, and have their lives full of what we no longer have. To me this is the worst part of widowhood, the loneliness and the absence of my best buddy to talk to, discuss things with and get a second opinion on things large and small.

After a while I just stopped trying to get social things going and came to depend on myself, the library, Netflix, etc. This is still lonely but at least I am no longer disappointed in people.

I think that on Widowhood, Part II we still have to just hang on while life sorts itself out.

Hang on. So am I.


Jan 09, 2011
by: Colleen

I am also feeling lonely. I asked a few days ago if people thought being a widow (how I hate the word) is contagious. All my so called friends are too busy to see me. I am only two months into this grief but that does not mean I do not need friends. Not only do we lose our soul mates but our entire way of life.

Sometimes I think everyone would like to put us in a colony on our own. What people seem to forget is that most of us will have to walk this road. So no, you do not have a "W" on your forehead, I think we are a reminder to people that they will have to walk this road and they steer clear of us so they can not see our pain.

Jan 09, 2011
by: Mari

You do not have cooties at all. It is just that some people are uncomfortable with someone who has lost a lost loved one. I can actually feel it when people see me whom I have not seen for a while. I just say my husband is with the Lord now.
Meeting at Target for coffee is in no way desperate. In fact, it sounds like fun to me. But you know it is quite possible that if someone breaks the coffee meeting they may have a good reason and it may have nothing to do with you.
Please do not let these things get you upset. It sounds as if you are coming along and I know the loneliness.

People should keep their word but do not always. Your opening line sounds good. You are a listener even though you are grieving. But it is okay to say you sure miss that man.

We are here for you and we care. And God is with you too. We widows are a bit on the sensitive side and that's natural. I am better but it is not always easy for me. Take care and God bless you. Keep posting. There are alot of wonderful people here.

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