I need her guidance

That summer was the worst summer of my entire life. It was the summer before I started my freshman year of high school and my mom was in and out of the hospital. Eventually, she went in and that was it. She showed some signs of getting better but then they'd be diminished. One visit I was finally told that she would probably die within the day. I still can't explain how surreal it was and how much pain I was feeling.
By the time she passed, she had been practically a vegetable for 2 days and I didn't want to hold on anymore. I still feel guilty for wishing it would just be over. Seeing her and knowing she couldn't speak to me or hear me was torture, but I hate myself for not wanting her to linger a little longer.
It was the time when I was becoming a woman, and I was trying to figure myself out. It was my teenage years. I had lost my mother about two weeks before my 14th birthday.
Now it's been two years and I've progressed tremendously and I'm usually fine, but when I think about her I break down. I want her guidance so badly. When I was younger/awkward, I pushed her away. Now I'm dying to know if she'd like how I've become. I want to know if I'm like how she was when she was my age. I want to know what she thinks about everything in my life right now.
The scariest part is feeling memories of her slip away. I've gotten so good at living life without her that I've adjusted my mind to her being gone. And with that, I feel like I remember her more vaguely.
All I can really say is I miss her more than she will ever know.

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