I Need Hope!
Hi, I'm Mike. I posted the blog "I Lost Her, My Beautiful Butterfly". Anyway, I made it through Christmas and it was tough. My buddy invited me over for Christmas Eve for dinner. He gave me this really great gift that Lise would have loved. It was odd being there by myself. His wife and mine were also best friends and we were always 2 couples.
I came home and one of the pictures we used for her memorial I have facing me in the living room. When I walked in and showed her the gift I broke down. I cried and screamed for a while. When I just couldn't take no more I finally broke down and took one of the pills the doctor gave me and went to bed. I hadn't taken one in days but this was Christmas Eve and the first "social" event I had besides the memorial since she died. (It feels so strange typing those words...she died.) That just made me break down.
My step-son and I went to my sister-in-law's house for Christmas and there definitely was an 800 pound gorilla sitting at the table. But she has a good family and they let me know I'm still a part of that family. I just wish her other sisters lived down here, too. After I left there I was shaking so bad that it took about a 1/2 an hour for it to stop. I made it through that dreaded day.
This was going to be the best Christmas we ever had. We had a beautifully renovated house that she loved and decorated and was planning all sorts of stuff for the holidays. I am seeing a counselor and I have joined a support group that starts next week. I hope they give me some level of sanity. I am finding it incredibly difficult to work and do anything.
I search for words of hope and encouragement but it always seems hopeless. The stress is starting to manifest itself physically. My back and leg. It doesn't help that I still can't go into the bedroom and I am sleeping in my home office on a FEMA cot. My hands go numb and I hyperventilate. I don't like this ride and I want off. I want to feel like I did the second before I tried to wake her up and she wouldn't move. I want to touch her and hear her voice and laugh.
I didn't take any pictures this Thanksgiving. I had the camera out and I was having such a good time I forgot.
If links are allowed, I'd like to share with everyone and anyone this memorial video I did for her.
(editors note: copy and paste the above URL into your address box to see it. No live links)
I'm starting to ramble. Thank you to those that replied to my last post and my heart truly does go out to all of you. May we all come out of this sane.