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I Need Hope!

by Mike
(LaPlace, LA)

Hi, I'm Mike. I posted the blog "I Lost Her, My Beautiful Butterfly". Anyway, I made it through Christmas and it was tough. My buddy invited me over for Christmas Eve for dinner. He gave me this really great gift that Lise would have loved. It was odd being there by myself. His wife and mine were also best friends and we were always 2 couples.

I came home and one of the pictures we used for her memorial I have facing me in the living room. When I walked in and showed her the gift I broke down. I cried and screamed for a while. When I just couldn't take no more I finally broke down and took one of the pills the doctor gave me and went to bed. I hadn't taken one in days but this was Christmas Eve and the first "social" event I had besides the memorial since she died. (It feels so strange typing those words...she died.) That just made me break down.

My step-son and I went to my sister-in-law's house for Christmas and there definitely was an 800 pound gorilla sitting at the table. But she has a good family and they let me know I'm still a part of that family. I just wish her other sisters lived down here, too. After I left there I was shaking so bad that it took about a 1/2 an hour for it to stop. I made it through that dreaded day.

This was going to be the best Christmas we ever had. We had a beautifully renovated house that she loved and decorated and was planning all sorts of stuff for the holidays. I am seeing a counselor and I have joined a support group that starts next week. I hope they give me some level of sanity. I am finding it incredibly difficult to work and do anything.

I search for words of hope and encouragement but it always seems hopeless. The stress is starting to manifest itself physically. My back and leg. It doesn't help that I still can't go into the bedroom and I am sleeping in my home office on a FEMA cot. My hands go numb and I hyperventilate. I don't like this ride and I want off. I want to feel like I did the second before I tried to wake her up and she wouldn't move. I want to touch her and hear her voice and laugh.

I didn't take any pictures this Thanksgiving. I had the camera out and I was having such a good time I forgot.

If links are allowed, I'd like to share with everyone and anyone this memorial video I did for her.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-uuZAZqxm-c

(editors note: copy and paste the above URL into your address box to see it. No live links)

I'm starting to ramble. Thank you to those that replied to my last post and my heart truly does go out to all of you. May we all come out of this sane.

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I Need Hope!

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For Mike
by: Jen

Hi Mike,
WE will give you hope as that is what this site has done for me.
How i found it was meant to be as im a bit of a loner here in Northern Ireland.

Your doing great, its early days.
I really hope to continue to hear about your journey and see you move forward,

Its crap and uninvited, but you will get there someday, i promise you....
Time does heal a little so i send you lots of best wishes from beautiful Northern Ireland way over there to you.

Stay strong...Your doing a really great job.....really you are....

Stay in touch

Jenx

Thanks
by: Mike

Thank you everyone for your words. I know some of you are at about the same stage I am at and some are further along, but it is good reading all of your stories and sharing our journey through this hell. I hope one day I can help others through this because it seems like there are very few of us that know what it is like, and if I can gain something positive from this that I can bring to others it will help me along, too.

xmas a lone
by: buzz

Mike, i feel so bad for you, i know how your feeling, i think you read my grief blog. I still can`t go into the bathroom i found her, i try to keep the door shut. We too just remodeled the kitchen, she got her hickey cabinets and floors, she designed it the way she wanted. Now i walk in there and just say, All this means nothing without her.

I have taken 2 weeks of vaction since she died, 12/04/10. It does hurt to say that word died so surreal. The 1st week i was off my kids took turns (babysitting) me, i love them very much for doing that, it got me through that 1st horrible week. Then xmas it`s suppose to be a happy time, man it was hard and painful to look happy. They were all there with there boyfriends and girl friends,i sat there thinking of my girlfriend, that we never got this last x mas together that we thought and were told she would get. Doctor said a year, got 5 month`s. Now i am on my second week of vacation, before she got sick we were planning trip to Cozumel for this week.

All i have been able to do is in morning sit in chair drink some coffee, stare at tv not really watching it, haven`t got dressed or cleaned up in 4 days. This grieving process can take a toll on all of us physically and mentally. I too will have to seek help, if i can`t get thought this nightmare,i know my girlfriend, Val would want me to keep going, but it`s not easy because she`s not here to help me, we were always together helping each other through hard times.

I feel so alone now with no purpose. I am ramblin on now. Hey Mike take care, you are not alone Buzz

There is hope
by: Lyn Ann

Hi Mike - I lost my husband of 23 years on November 20th. I can relate to everything you are saying - the breakdowns, the physical health problems, the inability to concentrate at work...

and occasionally I do resort to the little orange pills that the doctor gave me...

I watched your memorial on UTube. It was beautiful - what a wonderful family.

There is hope. The pain is necessary, it is part of the process. But the grieving does lead to healing. So hold on to that. And hold on to the fact that there are many of us out here that are holding your hand as you go through this... all together.

Finally I want to echo replies by others - prayers really, really help. Just as we are all holding hands together, Jesus can also hold your hand, if you just ask Him. No matter what your past spiritual record was (mine wasn't stellar) just ask Him to hold your hand and help you get through this.

I'm praying for you and for all of us. Take care, Lyn Ann

For Mike
by: Mari

Hi Mike. I am sorry to hear that your day was so bad. I know that the memories are just too much and at times it is worse then other times. Just when we make a little headway it all seems to come back. The grieving process is not easy.
Let's think for a moment about how your beautiful butterfly would feel about your being so sad all the time. She would not want that. True, you are in the grieving process and it is hard to go through. In fact we cannot get out of it. But maybe she is looking down from heaven with concern for you, your health and well being.

Mike, your hope is found in Jesus.You need to take care of yourself and place your trust in Jesus and just give all your sorrows over to him.
1 Corinthians 13 says that Jesus was victorious over death. We will see our loved ones again.
I hope you attend church to get the word and to get comfort.

I will pray for you and we are always here for you. This is a great board and wonderful caring people here.
Give your feelings over to God and find comfort in His word. Keep posting. We care.

There Will be Hope
by: Jen

Mike,
As i read your story i remember so vividly that "couples" feeling going on. I lost my 41 year old husband to cancer just two years ago.
I cried many evenings when out cause i felt different, lonely and awkward.

My friends have been there for me but after 6 months or so they forget a bit the impact of what happened whereas it never leaves us. They have their own lives and i understand that.

There is hope Mike. Just do as your doing and be proud of yourself. Its a rocky journey with so many ups and downs but you will slowly get there in your own time. I am stronger alot of the time now and never could have seen me deal with so much, but i have.

Stay strong, write often, we have been there and "get" it all.

My best to you from northern ireland,

Jen

Need Hope
by: Colleen

Hi Mike, you have just started your grieving process do not be so hard on yourself. I had a complete meltdown at Christmas so by the sounds of things you handled the holidays better than I did. As for the physical do not forget we are by nature a physical lot, so your body also needs to grieve for the loss of intimacy. However if you are worried please see your doctor. I have not been able to eat a proper meal since Bruce died on the 16 November 2010. Remember none of us wanted these badges but we got them so hang in there and visit us often as we can all relate.

Pray for Peace
by: Pat J

Mike,
The loss of our spouses is almost too painful to bear. I relive that last day in my mind over and over again. My husband was in the ER (for the 25th time in a year). I was so used to them bringing him back and sending him home. They were actually getting ready to discharge him that day. I went to look for a soda machine (we'd been there for 6 hours). When I came back 15 minutes later he was gasping for breath. His hands were starting to turn purple. It all happened so fast. It doesn't seem real to me.

Christmas was difficult for all of us who are grieving. Memories of last Christmas. Me posing for a "family" picture with my son and daughter and no dad in this happy family. It's only been 3 1/2 weeks for me. I can't sleep, can't eat. I'm hoping it will get better. I wish I could go to sleep for a month but I'd only have to deal with the pain when I woke up. We have to feel the pain to heal (so everyone is telling me). It hurts so much. We will never be the same again. We just have to do the best we can. I feel right now like I'm just existing. My emotions are all over the place. One minute I'm fine then all I have to do is see something on TV that reminds me of my husband and I'm sobbing for two hours and can't stop.

We have to have hope. I have a very strong faith but I've been sitting here questioning things over and over. WHY ME? None of my other friends have lost their spouses. Why do I have to be the first one? I'm praying for relief from my pain and I feel like God isn't answering me quickly enough. Just know that you aren't alone. I feel your pain when I read your posts. I was very touched by "My Beautiful Butterfly." We have to be patient and eventually find our way out of this darkness. I will be thinking of you and praying for you.

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I Need Hope!