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I Need to Know Why

by Sara Vargas
(San Antoniio,TX)

I have come to this site now for about a week. Every time I try to write about my son I become too emotional, There are so many things I would like to say about Jonathan, but even now just writing his name is causing me so much pain, anger, and guilt. SO much has happened these last 8 years. I just can't beleive it ended this way. Oh please God take these horrible feelings from me so I can feel normal again. I feel dead inside. Please help me Lord! It's taking too long to be right. I have to raise his 2 daughters now. How can I help them when it is nearly impossible for me to take care of myself.

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I Need to Know Why

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Thank You!
by: sara

For all the folks who commented on my blog. Your comments were very kind and they are greatly appreciated. Only those who experience something like this can fully understand your pain. I don't want to sound like a bleeding heart but, I have experienced the pain of death since I was 15yo. Since that time I have lost my father, at 18 my beloved mother, 2 brothers and 2 sisters. All of my nuclear family are gone, Before this happened i thought I had done my fair share of grieving. THIS, however is far beyond ANYTHING I felt about my family. I don't have ONE blood relative that I can relate to about my son. Even though I have my 2 grand daughters, my husband, and his family it just feels SO empty not having anyone of your own to share your pain. I don't want to bring my 2 grand daughters down anymore than they already are. So I try to not let myself get too emotional for them. Thanks for letting me get that out. I haven't said that to too many people. Again thank you!

Grieving Still!
by: Ruth Smith

Dear "I Need to Know Why"

I am in the same category with you, Dear Friend, as you will see if you visit my page "Lord Help Me".
You see, I also lost my "Only Begot Son", Ervin on
March 19, 2011 and I will never forget the moment of the cellular phone display around 11:30 p.m Colorado CO time and the voice on the other end screamed.."I have some real real bad news to tell you, "Ervin is no longer with us" I could not understand or comprehend what that meant at the moment as I was at a survivor's camp and all I could do was walk the parking lot for a long time talking, moaning, crying and praying to God for what, I'm not sure. I was hurting so bad and still is, but gradually God is revealing his love for my son and for me in which relieved the pain and suffering of Ervin. Please know that You are not alone, I'm feeling your pain and only God can help us, If he does not see fit to remove the pain, He will take the weight out of it where we can endure............

eternal love
by: Kay (australia)

I totally understand your pain, it is a pain like no other.....it is so unbelievable.....it feels like your heart is ripped from your body. I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I lost my handsome young son last year he was 23. I didnt think I would survive the agony of my loss......I hated waking up each morning and going to bed each night....with vivid memories in my mind every moment. I am still here ....somehow I did survive...I still miss my boy so much and love him more each day as Im sure you do your son. I am sending you love and healing...it is a long hard road we mums must travel. Just know you are not alone...we are here for you. thinking of you .xxx

from Shirley in California
by: Anonymous

I'm so sorry...I too lost my 23 year old son 11 months ago. It is the most painful feeling in the world and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Sending lots of hugs to you!
From Shirley, another broken hearted mother.

We're Never Right Again:)
by: Anonymous

Sara~
First of all you have to understand that you will never feel "right" again. You may come close to feeling right but it's a lot of work. Like a flesh wound, your son has been torn from your life and it hurts. It hurts really bad. The wound needs to heal. You can't make it heal too fast. You have to deal with these feelings, cry everyday if you have to. We are never supposed to bury our children. It's just no right.
You have to ask God for his help and just take things one day at a time. Don't look too far into the future....it will be too overwhelming. Cling to the beautiful memories and love those grand daughters with all of your might. They are hurting also no matter how young they may be.
Our lives are never the same again. I lost my wonderful husband and soul mate 8 months ago. I don't feel any closer to right than I did 6 months ago. We're never right again. We try the best we are able and try to make it to living again.
God bless.

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I Need to Know Why