I never imagined

by Jayme

My Mom died a month ago yesterday. June 15th 2010 will forever be the worst day of my life and the day my heart broke completely. It was only 4 days after my 26th birthday, and I hate that I had such a great time this year celebrating it. While my beautiful mother was laying sick in bed dying all weekend, I was having the time of my life with all of my friends. I hate that I was so selfish not to go spend her last weekend alive beside her.

If I'd only of known... I feel awful guilt and regret for not being able to be with her, but every time we talked she made everything seem like it was "a piece of cake", as she always said. I never knew the last time she wished me Happy Birthday would be the last time we ever spoke. I hate that I'm left to carry on and be without her. I never got to say good bye or I love you to her, and I couldn't be beside her holding her hand when she saw Gods glorious face.

I was stuck all the way down in Florida while she was in a hospital bed In Missouri. The doctors called me at 6pm and said she wasn't expected to make it through the night, that her kidneys were almost completely failed. I tried so hard to get a flight out then and there, but nothing was leaving until 8 am the next morning. The doctors knew she wouldn't make it and wouldn't even hand her the phone for me to say goodbye. I knew if she would've heard my voice she would've held on long enough for me to get to her, but no, they wouldn't give me that courtesy.

I am forever living with regret and guilt that my Mom was all alone and I did nothing. My life is supposed to go on, but how is that even possible? Friends want me to hang out with them and I can't even find the strength to get out of bed. The places that I usually go to I feel instant regret the second I walk through the doors and break down crying and have to leave. I don't know if anyone can relate to me on any of this, but I just hope someone is listening.....

Comments for I never imagined

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Aug 12, 2010
She would have ......
by: Anonymous

This is such a fantastic site... We can voice our pain, grief, regrets, guilt and all the other negative things that can only be understood by those already on this road. My mom died just 9 1/2 months ago. I had the privilege of kneeling next to her bed and telling her all the things that are normally said at funerals when it's too late. I was also able to say good-bye before she changed her earthly address for her heavenly one, even tho she was in a coma. She cried with me, so she heard. But I was responsible for her broken arm about 3 months before she died - it never healed cos she had bone cancer. As her organs began shutting down, her speech and recognition went.. And altho she was soooo thin when she died, she was still my mommy. I miss her..... Perhaps you can join me in reaching for the day we can truly celebrate our moms' life. We Will Survive this terrible, terrible time of our lives.

Jul 30, 2010
Lost without Mum
by: Anonymous

I'm listening.
I regret that I didn't say goodbye to my Mum either. She was on the bathroom floor and I was going between her and the front room looking for the ambulance - in a panic - oh how I wished I'd just stayed with her, holding her hand.

My Mum died on June 11th 2010 - her birthday was 26th June, she was cremated 25th June and her ashes were interred 26th July, 3 days before what would have been Dads birthday 29th July - all so relevant dates! I've just put my own message on line.

Jul 17, 2010
Ask for guidance
by: Anonymous

I regret that my mom is not here everyday and I was with her when she died. She waited for my son to get to the hospital before she left us. Even if I hadn't been there I would feel the way you do. There is always that saying "just give me another hour". It wouldn't have mattered if you were there or not, death was. Just pray for forgiveness and talk to your clergy person for guidance. Your mom wouldn't want you to feel the way you do!

Jul 17, 2010
I am listening
by: Anonymous

My heart aches for you, I am listening and understand your pain and guilt. My husband died 2 years ago from suicide while myself and my children were in the house, totally unaware. He was a very loving father and husband and was under a lot of stress with a legal isssue where a person stole property from his family and he was trying to fight it and was getting nowhere but piles of legal bills.

My children at the time were 21 and 19. We all felt, and still do, so much guilt for not being there with him, and if we all knew then what we know now we (yourself included) would have been there.

Coming from being a Mom, I would have wanted nothing more than knowing my daughter was "having the time of her life", than to watch me take my last breath, I am sure your Mom knew the love you shared and wants nothing but the best for you, so sweetheart pick your self up and try to live your life knowing she will always be with you and does not want to look down on you to see tears and helplessness but tears and smiles at the memories you have shared.

I know right now you cannot imagine smiling again, but you will and you can't imagine breathing again without pain, but you do; in time the intensity eases, the ragged raw edges of the deep gouge in your heart will begin to heal. So hand yourself over to the grief and let it run its course, but stay connected with those who understand and care.

I have found grief counsel groups helpful and have read a lot of books, take care of yourself, try to be strong, but remember it is ok sometimes to be weak, those are the times we are your crutch.

Jul 17, 2010

We all have them. But especially we all have them here. Things that we wish we had done for and with those that we loved and lost. Lost, what a word... for having someone viciously taken away before we were ready. Your mother knows that you loved her and is looking down on you this moment to make sure that your O.K.

It doesn't feel like your o.k. now or will ever be. But day by day you will gain some strength and begin to live the life your mother would want you to have. Its a painfully slow process, grief....but there is no way around it.

Keep on reading, and learn to breathe all over. HH

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