I never imagined
My Mom died a month ago yesterday. June 15th 2010 will forever be the worst day of my life and the day my heart broke completely. It was only 4 days after my 26th birthday, and I hate that I had such a great time this year celebrating it. While my beautiful mother was laying sick in bed dying all weekend, I was having the time of my life with all of my friends. I hate that I was so selfish not to go spend her last weekend alive beside her.
If I'd only of known... I feel awful guilt and regret for not being able to be with her, but every time we talked she made everything seem like it was "a piece of cake", as she always said. I never knew the last time she wished me Happy Birthday would be the last time we ever spoke. I hate that I'm left to carry on and be without her. I never got to say good bye or I love you to her, and I couldn't be beside her holding her hand when she saw Gods glorious face.
I was stuck all the way down in Florida while she was in a hospital bed In Missouri. The doctors called me at 6pm and said she wasn't expected to make it through the night, that her kidneys were almost completely failed. I tried so hard to get a flight out then and there, but nothing was leaving until 8 am the next morning. The doctors knew she wouldn't make it and wouldn't even hand her the phone for me to say goodbye. I knew if she would've heard my voice she would've held on long enough for me to get to her, but no, they wouldn't give me that courtesy.
I am forever living with regret and guilt that my Mom was all alone and I did nothing. My life is supposed to go on, but how is that even possible? Friends want me to hang out with them and I can't even find the strength to get out of bed. The places that I usually go to I feel instant regret the second I walk through the doors and break down crying and have to leave. I don't know if anyone can relate to me on any of this, but I just hope someone is listening.....