I never met my biological father, I recently and finally found him, and he is passed....
This is all I have
I've always wondered who he was, why he left my mom with a baby at 22 years old, and who is he now. Did he want to know what became of me?
In the past three years I've been blessed with two babies of my own and the need to find him grew to the point where I finally did it. I called a private investigator, and within 25 or so minutes, we found him.
The investigator called the phone number that was listed, and it was his brother.... He said my father had passed. He led a very sad life as an alcoholic, and died in his chair, bottle in hand. His body wasn't found for five days. He died with nothing to his name. His brother didn't even know about me. (It's been 40ish years)
I don't know how to begin to process this. I really want to cry, and hug someone, but there is no one to hug, and I can't get a good cry in. I also can't think straight, can't eat, and have nooo pacients. I've always had a way to deal with things, and believe that my emotional IQ is high, but I am at a serious loss as to how to deal.
Did I wait to long to try hard to find him? Was his guilt about me what led him to drink himself to death?
What was his favorite color? His favorite song? Was he artistic?
I will never have answers. I thought I could handle whatever the outcome was, and I am finding that this is something I have little skills to deal with.
While loss is never easy, and losing someone you know and love is horrific. What is this?
My whole life I carried anger and pain and daddy issues, and rejection issues. Now what? What do I do with all those issues?