I never met my biological father, I recently and finally found him, and he is passed....

by Tamara
(California)

This is all I have

This is all I have

.....
I've always wondered who he was, why he left my mom with a baby at 22 years old, and who is he now. Did he want to know what became of me?
In the past three years I've been blessed with two babies of my own and the need to find him grew to the point where I finally did it. I called a private investigator, and within 25 or so minutes, we found him.
The investigator called the phone number that was listed, and it was his brother.... He said my father had passed. He led a very sad life as an alcoholic, and died in his chair, bottle in hand. His body wasn't found for five days. He died with nothing to his name. His brother didn't even know about me. (It's been 40ish years)

I don't know how to begin to process this. I really want to cry, and hug someone, but there is no one to hug, and I can't get a good cry in. I also can't think straight, can't eat, and have nooo pacients. I've always had a way to deal with things, and believe that my emotional IQ is high, but I am at a serious loss as to how to deal.

Did I wait to long to try hard to find him? Was his guilt about me what led him to drink himself to death?
What was his favorite color? His favorite song? Was he artistic?
I will never have answers. I thought I could handle whatever the outcome was, and I am finding that this is something I have little skills to deal with.
While loss is never easy, and losing someone you know and love is horrific. What is this?
My whole life I carried anger and pain and daddy issues, and rejection issues. Now what? What do I do with all those issues?

Comments for I never met my biological father, I recently and finally found him, and he is passed....

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Mar 23, 2013
I never met my biological father, I recently and finally found him, and his passed.....
by: Doreen U.K.

Tamara I am sorry for your loss of the father you never got to know. What you do now with all these issues is go get a good counsellor who will work with you to help you resolve these issues. It is possible. In my 40's I went into counselling and resolved my pain of the past. It is never too late. I started living for the first time in my life at 42yrs. Before this I was just an empty shell living in a silent world. Lost and alone. This was the best experience ever and the best thing I ever did for myself. I GOT MY LIFE BACK FOR THE FIRST TIME. Like someone had breathed new life into me and it felt good.
You are of an age when most people are eager to want to know their HISTORY. Perhaps when you get yourself in a better place emotionally and mentally you will be able to go and find that brother of your father and seek the answers from your uncle and any other family member who may be able to fill in these gaps for you. It would even help with your medical history as this is important to know of any diseases your parents had that you may have inherited. Otherwise how will you know. You may even be able to get your father's medical history for your future. Your children would need this also. Keep a journal and write out all your thoughts, feelings, anger, and even letters to the father you never knew.
Don't waste energy thinking it was your fault your father left. You were too young. Adults need to carry this responsibility. It is not yours. You are suffering from false guilt. LET IT GO. It belongs to your father. We all like to feel we came from a good background. But we all live fractured lives and have a broken past. Salvage something positive from your past and build on this. It will also help your children as they grow up. My mother was an alcoholic. My definition of this is. An Alcoholic chose a pain killer that was accessible to cope with their pain and crisis they had in their life. It got out of hand and they couldn't stop. Alcoholism should not be stigmatised. It should be understood and dealt with in a positive way. I wish you Peace and happiness for your future. I hope you get the answers you need. I hope you find out the positive in life in your history and that you won't see it as bad. You can move forward from this and become a happier and fulfilled person. Best wishes.

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