I Never Thought...

by Lama Amer

I never thought it would be this hard. I never thought I’ll shed so many tears. I never thought I’ll experience such pain… I never thought about death.
I still remember the first time I felt this pain; it was 2 years ago when I lost my grandfather. I still remember the shock followed by the excruciating heartache and then the endless tears. It was very hard to comprehend that I’ll no longer be able to see, hear, or hug him anymore; it only sank in when I entered his apartment for the first time after his departure. Everything was still how it was, his smell hung there in the surrounding air and the crushing pain of realization hit me… he was no longer there. Emptiness engulfed me and I was suddenly drowning in sadness.
Now after the pain of his loss became somewhat bearable although tears are still shed on his memory, another pain replaces it; the pain of my grandmothers death. She just left us 2 days ago, and the pain is unbearable it’s like being stabbed with a knife over and over again. Tears are running down my cheeks and her picture lingers in my head, a lot of memories flash one after another as my brain tries to comprehend while still denying the fact that she’s really gone. I didn’t think I’ll have to go through this again but now I realize that this won’t be the last time feeling this pain, I realize that I’ll have to move on with my life, I realize that life is short and will soon come to an end for everyone… I realize how much I loved both my grandparents and how much I miss them terribly. I wish I had a magical wand to bring them back to spend one last hour with them to hug them and thank them for everything, to say my proper goodbyes and make sure they know just how much I love them and will miss them. If only I had done all that before they left, maybe the pain would be less unbearable but what good does wishing do now that they’re gone and I can’t do anything about that…
What makes it somewhat better is knowing they’re in a better place, out of harm’s way in the hands of our creator…
I really miss you grandma, send my love and hugs to grandpa, and love you both…

Comments for I Never Thought...

Click here to add your own comments

Nov 15, 2012
Doreen U.K.
by: Lama Amer

Thank you for your kind words..

Nov 12, 2012
I Never Thought.....
by: Doreen U.K.

Lama I am sorry for your loss of your grandfather and now your grandmother. We are never prepared for losing our loved one, no matter how young or old they are. We are not meant to think of death whilst we are just getting on with the business of living which is what we are here for.
It is only when we reach our mature years as I am in that we have to think of death. Questions like "Who is going to bury me?" "How will I pay for my funeral?" These are all sensible thoughts to process when we get older, but sadly many don't get to this age, and have to process this information much sooner. Such is life. So very unpredictable.
Don't blame yourself for all the things you wished you had said or done. I don't think the more we do would make a difference. Otherwise it becomes predictable and routine and expected. It is what we do that is remembered more than what we said. Actions have a way of lingering longer. Lama you have to take your time to grieve so that you can move forward in a healthy way. Death HURTS us and changes our lives forever. It is only TIME that will help our Healing from our loss. When we are able to keep ourselves occupied with some project or work that we become fulfilled and puts a different perspective on life. Also forming new relationships, and friendships also helps us recover and able to move on with our lives. But it all takes time to develop. WE can all remember those people in our lives who we have left, and do make a difference in there lives so that we will live with less regrets. But REGRETS We all have them. It is part of our human condition. I hope you will have support in your grief. You will eventually be in a happier place.

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Grandparent.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!