I pray you can't see

Josh, my cousin, my best friend, the boy I grew up with, the guy I share all my secrets and dreams with, the one person that always has my back, the one I love and thought would always be there.

Two and a half months ago he shot himself in the head. His brother was the first to see it. My mother (his aunt) the first responder on the scene who cleaned it so his mother would never have to see. I, his devastated younger cousin a thousand miles away on a military assignment with a last message on my phone "I miss you more". Josh has always been a happy guy so this was never expected. His girlfriend had a very late term abortion against his wishes. My family is very close and we were all so excited to finally have a baby in the family. He was then put on anti depressants two weeks prior and he is an alcoholic. They didn't mix. My last days with him were Christmas and Christmas Eve. I've never seen him so angry and sad. We layer together on the coach talking for hours. At one point he showed me the 45 handgun he bought. At another point he said "I might as well just end the pain" I told him "if you ever did anything stupid like that you would be ending my life too, you would literally be killing me"

That's just what he did. I can say I never saw it coming, if you knew Josh you would never think him capable of that either. How did I not know? All the signs, I m his best friend, I'm the one he talks to. I should have been able to stop him. I get briefed on these type of things all the time. I keep thinking I know he loved me, did he not love me enough? Did I not call enough. I should have never left my hometown, I didn't know my family needed me there...It goes on and on. I get angry at him, at god and mostly at myself. I don't know how to move on and I don't want to, not without him. I have never been so broken. Seeing all of the people i love fall to pieces is killing me too.

I am a military pilot on assignment I need to focus, to be tough and do my duty. I can't get through the nights though. I don't sleep, I can't shut my mind off. I just breakdown. I clutch his pictures and hate everything. I know sleep won't come and if it does along with it come the nightmares.
I pray he is in heaven, he is such a good person always helping other I have to think he is. I also pray he can't see down from heaven. Can't see me, can't see what he did to me, can't see the mess I am without him. I never want him to know how much pain he has caused.
I love you Josh.

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Jun 04, 2014
I pray you can't see
by: Doreen UK

The pain of losing someone close is so UNBEARABLE. Grief can make us angry with ourselves, the person who died, and even God who we look to as our Healer. WE live in a sad fallen world and will keep getting hurt. We also are prone to turn our pain inwards and become self absorbed, which is also an aspect of grief. Josh would not have had time to think of who he was hurting by taking his own life. Josh just wanted to end his pain and misery and this meant taking his own life away would end his pain he couldn't bear. Without his actually planning to kill himself. Josh would not have had time to process who he was hurting. All he could do was focus on his pain. I do believe that hurting people can become so DELIRIOUS WITH PAIN, that their mind is off somewhere else and they then become irresponsible to making the wrong decision.
My nephew at age 30yrs. suffered depression and his medication caused suicidal feelings. He could not live in his painful tortured inner world of sorrow and unhappiness without a job or somewhere to live, and 9yrs. ago he threw himself in front of an express train. Our world changed forever. WE all tried to help him, but it was not enough. The universe claimed another life. The sorrow gets less over time. Grief is long and painful. You need to take care of yourself. FOCUS on your own inner strength to overcome and live for Josh. Become the man you were meant to be. One day you will be able to honour the memory of Josh by doing something significant to honour his memory forever. You may even be able to become a mentor to other boys in pain who need nurturing. Turn what was a tragedy into a triumph by letting good come out of this bad experience. Turn it around for good. Build yourself up emotionally and you will recover from grief as you start to heal from your loss.

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