I really miss my grandma :'(

by Bianca Stubbs
(Covington ga )

I'm Bianca and I'm 17 years old. My grandmother died before the year I was born. I always wondered where she was when I was a young child until I was told that she died. I actually thought through that time that she just never came around because she didn't love me. Everyone sees me as her spitting image, and it's funny because we look exactly alike from the pictures I've seen. Everytime family talks about her to me, I cry. But I try to stay strong in front of my mom and dad because I don't want them to be upset, considering that of my grandmother's death occurred right in front of my dad's eyes. I just feel that she doesn't love me, I know it's sad but that is just how I feel inside. I'm usually depressed because I know I'll never get to meet her, I cry constantly about it and sometimes I wonder how is it possible to cry when you've never met that someone but realizing it could be having that spiritual connection between the two of us. I just feel like all bad that happens is my fault and I continue to blame myself for everything wrong that happens like I don't deserve to be here on earth and that I deserve to die. I'm just really depressed and I'm just wishing I could have closure to everything. :(

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Jun 07, 2014
I really miss my grandma
by: Doreen UK

Biana something may have happened in your young life that you were too young to understand at that time, and so you internalised this as a child would do not having the maturity level to think any different. Whatever it was it has caused you to feel SHAME about it. It may have some connection to your grandma and so you have made this connection.
SHAME causes us to become depressed about who we are as people and we can often become disillusioned and disappointed with ourselves. You need to talk if you can to your parents and let them know how you feel. They would probably reassure you. For you to feel that everything bad that happens is your fault and that you don't deserve to be here on earth and that you should die are all VERY EXTREME and DESPERATE statements of someone who has emotional difficulties that need to be explored and resolved. If you don't want to talk to your parents you need to speak to a counsellor who could help you resolve these emotional problems. They won't go away by themselves. When you hurt deep down where these feelings come from they usually come up to the surface from being buried earlier in life. I can identify with a lot of what you say and how you feel. I didn't do anything about these feelings. I read self help books and got knowledge to help myself change. it didn't work and so in my adult years I found a counsellor and resolved my fears, losses, and emotional difficulties. They didn't go away of themselves. I worked with someone skilled who could explore these difficulties and help me work through them. It has been a very healing experience. God created you and gave you life. You have the right to be here. It is your birth right and your heritage to belong to a family and be loved. But often just trying to change one's thinking is not enough. It takes skill and professional help to make these changes. I did it. So can you. You can be happy again and reclaim your life. Don't just put up with the way you are feeling thinking that it will get better. It never does until we start talking about it and getting the right people on our side to help us make those necessary changes that is needed to reclaim our life and the happiness we need to survive in this world. I am sorry for your loss of your grandma.

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