I SAW HIM

by Zoe
(Maryland)

How does that saying go, there is no rest for the weary; what it says for me is there is no relief from the endless torment of grief.

John and I went everywhere together. When he was home off the road, he wanted to be with me, and I with him. Sometimes though to save time like at the mall or such we would run to different places and I would always point out a spot we would meet. I do not know why I bothered. John was always done first and he never went to the spot, I would look and see him coming to where I was looking for me, and when I caught his eye, there was that smile, not the one he gave the world, the one for me, where his heart touched his eyes.

This weekend I went to see the new Harry Potter movie, it is my granddaughters birthday and that was what she wanted. So we all went to the movie. Afterwards my son was sending her home with me, so we could watch her while they prepared for thanksgiving. When the movie was over my son walked her down to the bathroom and I stood and waited.

I was not thinking of anything really, when suddenly I looked up and he was there, walking through the crowd looking for me. I called his name and started to run to him, and realized ten steps in, that he was not there. Of course, he was not, he is dead. And I am here and he will never look for me again, he will never smile that special smile when he sees me again.

Whatever scab or scar I might have started to develop was ripped open. I made the others drive her so I could be in my car and weep. It is as if I was slammed back to when I lost him. I have no more fight in me. I cannot do this without him; I do not want to do this without him.

One Step, One Breath, One day at a time.

Comments for I SAW HIM

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Nov 30, 2010
I saw him
by: Mari

Zoe, I am already feeling lonely due to the holidays. As you said everyone will be so jolly but for me there is a mixture of joy and sorrow. We will welcome a new little baby girl around Christmas. Sorrow because my husband will not see the baby but joy because of a new life.

We all handle grief in our own way and I feel a closeness to my husband. It feels like he is near me esp when I am alone here in the house.
One of the sisters at church said that my husband is waiting for me in heaven.

Zoe, you were talking about Miracle Moments and I have had many of them.

I am going to get a tree. The reason is because my husband liked trees and always got one for us. I am not sure how I will feel. I have had every kind of feeling one can imagine.

The memorial service did me more good then you can imagine. I cried a little bit but God brought me healing in His wings. I am better.

We need time Zoe. We have suffered and it has not been an easy road. But we are not alone. God is right beside us.

Nov 29, 2010
I saw him
by: Mari

I am very sorry for the way you must be feeling at this time Zoe. It must have been heartbreaking for you. It is bad enough to lose your husband but seeing him must have been so sad.

We are here for you Zoe when you want to talk. We all care. God cares for you too. It helps to pray about it because we just don't always understand why these things happen. Just give it over to a loving God.

A couple of months after my husband went to be with the Lord I had a dream in which my youngest son and daughter were standing by the bed talking to me. I sat up to listen and was sleepy but trying to reply. Across the room there stood my husband in his work uniform. He looked younger and handsome and was looking at me. He faded away.

Another time I was painting a unit and had it rented so wanted to finish it that day. I was alone in the living room and suddenly my husband came to mind, and I felt a rush through my body and he was there. He was watching me paint. I kept painting and could feel his presence very strong and it lasted a few minutes and was over.
So I know what you experienced can and does happen.

I called the grief pastor the funeral home had sent and he said those are memories. He said my husband was a part of me.

We miss our husbands very much, Zoe, and we just have to keep going. Other people in our lives need us and your husband is with the Lord.
At the memorial service we had yesterday my pastor said, ''To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord.'' And there is the assurance of seeing our loved ones again. Take care of yourself Zoe. Keep posting whatever is on your mind and heart.

Nov 25, 2010
scars
by: Judy

Zoe,

I think that it is normal to have the scar ripped open many times before we get to healed, where ever that is. I have never seen Barry, nor felt his presence but it is possible for me to be ok one minute and completely tearful the next brought on by God knows what. I used to talk to him a lot-it made be feel like he was some where close by but I've never got the slightest glimmer of his presence. The griefshare group calls these Miracle Moments where just for a second you feel your lost one is there in some way. I think you must have had a Miracle Moment. Although painful, maybe it was the way John could communicate with you. I completely understand how miserable it is to live the "new life" that you don't want to have. We all must just hang on for today and deal with tomorrow when it comes.

JM

Nov 24, 2010
Missing Him Terribly
by:

Zoe,

I have not seen Paul but have felt him near. And as the holidays come and people are so...cheerful and festive it intensifies the loneliness. It seems to bring the memories on full force as if I were hurled back to last winter when he died. It took me 9 months to use the word died itself vs/ Passed or Left. I like you do NOT want to do this alone but we need to be strong as we once were and not let grief make us small and helpless.

Even if we fake it I hope that in time I will feel a sense of empowerment over MY life. Being able to take back not the life I once had sadly that is gone, But to be in a reasonable facsimile of a life that I want.

Still not sure what that is without Paul but knowing that the present life I lead with all the ups and downs makes me jittery and clumsy in speech, mind and body. I was once in control of my thoughts and actions and would like to be again soon. I do not especially like the fragile hard ass I have become.

There has to be a middle ground in which I am comfortable and I hope that same for you...
HH

P.S Try not to belt people that say "HAPPY HOLIDAYS! They don't know any better...
Fake your way through, it's just an acting job so that people will be comfortable. Here, you can be yourself.

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