I SAW HIM
How does that saying go, there is no rest for the weary; what it says for me is there is no relief from the endless torment of grief.
John and I went everywhere together. When he was home off the road, he wanted to be with me, and I with him. Sometimes though to save time like at the mall or such we would run to different places and I would always point out a spot we would meet. I do not know why I bothered. John was always done first and he never went to the spot, I would look and see him coming to where I was looking for me, and when I caught his eye, there was that smile, not the one he gave the world, the one for me, where his heart touched his eyes.
This weekend I went to see the new Harry Potter movie, it is my granddaughters birthday and that was what she wanted. So we all went to the movie. Afterwards my son was sending her home with me, so we could watch her while they prepared for thanksgiving. When the movie was over my son walked her down to the bathroom and I stood and waited.
I was not thinking of anything really, when suddenly I looked up and he was there, walking through the crowd looking for me. I called his name and started to run to him, and realized ten steps in, that he was not there. Of course, he was not, he is dead. And I am here and he will never look for me again, he will never smile that special smile when he sees me again.
Whatever scab or scar I might have started to develop was ripped open. I made the others drive her so I could be in my car and weep. It is as if I was slammed back to when I lost him. I have no more fight in me. I cannot do this without him; I do not want to do this without him.
One Step, One Breath, One day at a time.