I should have been a better daughter...

by Jessica
(Juneau, Alaska)



I never had a great relationship with my mother. When growing up she had a hard time in life and i was there for it. eventually i had to live with my grandparents when i was in my early teens and my mother always had trouble with that since she got so lonely. the past few years she had gotten better and no longer took things out on me. she had a temper but it was fine. Her Multiple Sclurosis effected her behavior and mobility and she was also depressed most of the time. On May 16th i picked up some laundry soap for her since i didnt feel like taking her to the store myself since she alllllwayyyysss took hour or more to "get one thing". she had just signed a contract for mineral rights she had and was about to get about 60k for it. i think this is the first time in a long time that i saw her happy and excited for the future. she was going to go back to school and finish her degree. she was going to get a dog. she was going to work on her garden. she had all these plans. we had talked about things and we had resolved our fight that we had been in for a few weeks, she kept claming my friend was taking her movies but really they were just lost in her house haha. and so i agreed that i would come over the next night since i had spent saturdays at her house since i started living with my grandparents. when i was leaving i wanted to say i love you but i didnt and she had already shut her door so i left and went home. when i got home i took a bath and watched some more Lost (i like to go on show binges on netflix a lot) and then went to bed since i had to work at 7am. work was like any other day and it was a beautiful day here in Juneau. when i got off i washed my car and took it for a little joy ride and then went home and waited till about 6:30pm to say bye to my grandparents since my grandma got off at 6 but they didnt come home right away so i told my uncle i would be back later and left. i took the long way to my mothers (she didnt live even 5 minutes away) so i could smoke since my family doesnt know i smoke. when i arrived i ran into her neighbor who was telling me how she wanted to take me to dinner for pretty much saving their 4-plex from burning down. my mom was on the very left, her neighbor right next to her on the right and then the one next to her neighbor has a very messed up kid who litterally throws rocks at kittens and set the outside of my moms neighbors enterance on fire (i was driving by and saw it and put it out since they didnt even know it was happening). i talked to her for a minute and then she left so i went into my moms. i was suprised the door was unlocked since she usually had it locked even when she knew i was coming over. when i went in i thought maybe she wasnt home but she didnt call or anything so i tried calling her phone when her cat came up wanting cuddles but i heard her phone ringing on her bed which was very weird. i thought i would look into her room and see her sitting on her computer chair playing something on facebook but she wasnt there. i walked into the living room and looked in my room and had a little bit of a worried feeling when i turned around and saw the bathroom light on. i failed to look in the bathroom when i walked by into the living room so i walked over and i just stoped. i saw my mother in the tub, motionless, eyes closed, and blood on her face. i said mom and ran over and kept yelling mom when i tried to grab her but she was already stiff and ice cold like an ice cupe in a cup of water. she was so pale. i felt her body and just felt the coldness and the motionless of everything and then i noticed all the blood, blood from her nose down her face, blood at the bottom of the tub. i got up and went to the exit of the bathroom and just started screaming at the top of my lungs. i think i was hoping someone would hear, someone would help, someone could save us. but nobody did. and im kind of glad because i didnt want anyone to see my mother like that. i washed my hands off and grabed my phone and called 911. frantacly trying to say my moms dead and i gave her the address and shortly after a cop showed up and went inside, by this time i was outside. this whole time i had not been crying i was just in shock. and then came the crying. i couldnt stop and i was hyperventalating and it was just terrible. the dispatch lady got ahold of my grandparents and said they were on their way. i thought she told them what had happened but i didnt know that they couldnt. i was outside her back door as the people were in there. i heard someone say last night. i had taken a bath last night. i was in warm bubbly water relaxing as my mother drowned. my grandparents showed up and i walked out to the carport and when she saw me she just walked over and hugged me but i couldnt hug her back because my arms were still out like i was holding her from shock. my grandparents told me they thought it would be a domestic thing since we had our fights and she would get irrationaly angry sometimes. when they had arrived a police officer went to them and asked "who are you?" and they told him they were Sydneys parents to which he responded "well Sydney is decieced". out of shock and confusing they said what and he said "She's dead." in a "what part of decieced dont you understand" tone of voice. im still in shock that shes gone. sometimes i want to call her and tell her about my day since i never did that enough. i always got annoyed with her when she called or needed something but i think its because of a wall i set up for her and i had taken care of her a lot through my life. her cause of death was drowning but they didnt say why. when you fall asleep in the bath you wake up as soon as you take on water. and it doesnt explain the blood. i think because of her MS she lost her balance and fell and hit her head. it only would have taken 3 minutes. 3 minutes for her body to not respond soon enough to live. and now shes gone. shes gone forever. it was May 17, 2014. 12 days before her 44th birthday. i just want to hug her. i can imagine hugging her but i just cant physicly do it. i want to tell her i love her like i should have the night before. but i cant. and the worst part is im only 19. she wont be there for my first child. she wont be there for my wedding. she wont be there for anything. she's just gone.

Comments for I should have been a better daughter...

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Jul 08, 2014
I should have been a better daughter....
by: Doreen UK

Jessica this is such a horrible experience for you to lose your mother, and to lose her this way by discovering her in the bath. You may be numb and in shock for some time. You could benefit from seeing a grief counsellor so that you don't' become stuck in grief through shock and unable to move forward more easily.
Many young people have fall outs with their mother's but mother's on the whole understand and are forgiving. Illness can often cause misery in the family and does contribute to the atmosphere in the home. You didn't know your mother would die. But just being with her and your kindness towards her would have spoken volumes in caring that would have let her know that you loved her. We often just show it in different ways. It is not easy to always say I LOVE YOU. Due to the nature of the relationship you had with your mother. At least you managed to resolve some difficulties. As we MATURE we are more able to let a lot of problems go over our heads. You are only 19yrs. and sound like a mature person and capable of caring for your mother in the best way you could. Part of the grief experience is that grief assaults us and we feel that we could have been better daughters, or done more. In reality we do what we are able with our limitations. Often we want to carry the whole problem for our parents and take away their hurts. But we can't. We have this inate feeling to protect and shield our parents from illness, dying, and death. I felt the same way when my husband was dying of cancer. But I know I did my best as we all try to do. In time your guilt should go.

Jul 06, 2014
I should have been a better daughter
by: Jane

Dear Jessica, I feel with you. Since my mom has died often I think, I shouldn´t have get angry with her. I should have been more Patient. Sometimes , when I had to say thing 2, 3 times. I have got an angry voice. I feel so sorry know for it. This Feeling guilty can make you seek. My brother told me, Jane I love my two Kids really a lot, but there a times I could trough them at the wall. Thats life. This is normal. He sad, than mom would come back, after she would be here for a while again, we would get differences again and we would get Little fights and bad words. That belongs to human life on this earth. That was helping me, but sometimes I still feeling guilty. So I just talk to my mom. I take her picture and am am telling her everything what´s on my heart. I hope she can hear it. Jessica maybe it is helping you too a little. Or write here a letter. I think and hope, there our Moms are now, they have no pain and they can here all we are saying and thinking. Because our love holds us together til our time has come and we will be together again. But I am still in my grief too. Like some one here has written, take one day after the other. I am writing a diary. You can write so good, maybe it could help you. Probably I am not the right person to give advises, because I still needed help too. But I feel with you Jessica. But writing and talking about all what you think and feel, I think, that is helping a lot. Til the next wave Comes again. Feel your self hug from me. Jane

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