I Still Can't Understand

by I
(CA)

A troubled 27 years of life will never be recovered. My older brother died October 5, 2012 by his own hand. I don't even know how to handle it. I don't even know how to accept it. I simply can't. He left behind two beautiful children - both of which I love so much.

My brother and I weren't really close. I mean, we hung out every once in a great while but other than that, we hardly spoke because of the life style he chose. My family is devastated.

I have no motive to do anything really. My internship at a marketing agency finished a few days before he passed and I don't really have any motivation to look really hard for a job. I've literally spent the whole day yesterday and the day before watching Pretty Little Liars on Netflix just to escape everything...I finished both seasons now. I know I should get out and do something with myself during the day, but I just don't really care to.

I've been spending a lot of my time looking for a dog to adopt - preferably a Shiba Inu puppy that's cheap enough - but I'm not having any luck. I'm hoping to find a dog so that maybe it'll push me to get out more and to do something more than just sitting on the couch.

I don't really know what else to write. I simply cant get over the fact that I won't ever get to see him again. We had gotten into an argument a few months prior to his death and I never got to say anything to him about it except for "don't text or talk to me and I won't text or talk to you."...I feel so bad.

I just cant grasp this. He's been cremated and is now in a box in our house...I try talking to him in the box, but it doesn't feel right and doesn't feel the same at all. I just can't wrap my head around how a 6-foot-something tall man is inside this small box now. I just can't grasp any of this.

miss him so damn much.

Comments for I Still Can't Understand

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Nov 16, 2012
I Still Can't Understand
by: Doreen U.K.

I I am so sorry for your loss of your brother. You are in the deep throes of Raw grief and it is making you feel a lack of motivation. Don't worry too much about this. I lost my husband to cancer 6 months ago and I have only gotton off the settee when I have felt like it. I don't do anything If I don't feel like it. There are days I can handle doing some things and days I don't. Days I pace myself and do one job a day. It hasn't made me go any faster or change things. Because I CAN'T. I am grieving and this is the way MY GRIEF is taking me. One day things will change but till they do so inside of me I stay on the settee till I get fed up or something different happens in my life to give me the motivation I need.
I am glad you are wanting a dog and doing something positive for yourself. But don't expect a miracle if this doesn't change you into doing something different to get your motivation back. I think one day it simply Will come back and you will know when this happens. Don't feel Guilty for where you are at in your Grief journey. Of course you will feel guilty due to the argument you had with your brother and for the text message you sent to him. But it happened due to the nature of the argument and it takes two people to acknowledge responsibility and change. Not You alone. He is not here to rectify the situation and give you input about how he felt. You will have to release yourself from the guilt of your parting and perhaps write a journal in the form of letters to your brother and express all your feelings and hurt and guilt. this way you will be able to get out of your system all this pain and you will be Free enough to say I LOVE YOU. I just couldn't say it because there was too much debris in the way that we needed to clear up and move away from our life and now I won't get the chance now to do this. Tell him in your journal that you now have to Free yourself of the guilt. Most families end up with these difficulties and part in bad circumstances and when one dies they cannot resolve the problems that caused the separation and parting of ways. There is not one person who does not live with some REGRET in life. I have many REGRETS. I write my REGRETS in sand and then rub them out. Don't hold yourself responsible for those things you can't change. You just live with them in a different way. RELEASE yourself to Live and Love again. Don't punish yourself for being Human and making mistakes. I wish you Peace from your guilt and freedom from your Pain.

Nov 15, 2012
I'm sorry for your lost
by: Anonymous

No matter what, your brother loved you and you loved him, he's with you always. I lost my daughter Sept.11, 2012 its been very hard, but I know she's with me I see her and hear voice and I feel her always.. Now your brother is in the direction of heaven.. You need to pray and know that their is life after we pass. Talk to your brother let him know how deeply you feel of his passing and also how much you wanted him to know how you felt, about your relationship. I talk to my daughter always, that helps a lot! Remember the spirit could see you but you can't see them, so know that he is watching over you..God Bless you! Close your eyes and think of your brother, you will feel him around you..

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