I Still Can't Understand
A troubled 27 years of life will never be recovered. My older brother died October 5, 2012 by his own hand. I don't even know how to handle it. I don't even know how to accept it. I simply can't. He left behind two beautiful children - both of which I love so much.
My brother and I weren't really close. I mean, we hung out every once in a great while but other than that, we hardly spoke because of the life style he chose. My family is devastated.
I have no motive to do anything really. My internship at a marketing agency finished a few days before he passed and I don't really have any motivation to look really hard for a job. I've literally spent the whole day yesterday and the day before watching Pretty Little Liars on Netflix just to escape everything...I finished both seasons now. I know I should get out and do something with myself during the day, but I just don't really care to.
I've been spending a lot of my time looking for a dog to adopt - preferably a Shiba Inu puppy that's cheap enough - but I'm not having any luck. I'm hoping to find a dog so that maybe it'll push me to get out more and to do something more than just sitting on the couch.
I don't really know what else to write. I simply cant get over the fact that I won't ever get to see him again. We had gotten into an argument a few months prior to his death and I never got to say anything to him about it except for "don't text or talk to me and I won't text or talk to you."...I feel so bad.
I just cant grasp this. He's been cremated and is now in a box in our house...I try talking to him in the box, but it doesn't feel right and doesn't feel the same at all. I just can't wrap my head around how a 6-foot-something tall man is inside this small box now. I just can't grasp any of this.
miss him so damn much.