I still miss you

by Connie

My husband and I had been together for 13 years married for 8. We had just had our second son 2 months earlier and had another son who was 4. Life was just settling down, good jobs two healthy sons and the rest of our lives to grow together and raise our family. I had just started back to work that weekend after maternity leave. He called me a dozen times asking questions about how to care for the baby. I got a little agrevated with him because I was busy. On Monday morning he left for work and the boys and I started our day. Caleb went to pre school, while Josh and I ran errands and hung out at home. Later that afternoon, I began preparing our evening meal. My parents came up the driveway very quickly and ran into our kitchen. The look on their faces told me everything. Daddy began with theres been an accident. I already knew. I collapsed to the floor, not loosing conscienceness but just shock I guess. My sister inlaw came and got the boys and kept them while I tried to collect myself. I had to beg to be taken to the funeral home to see him. I wanted to see for myself what he looked like. I wanted to feel his body before He was cold and hard from the burial process. I laid across him, his chest and belly still had a little warmth. It just didnt seem real. Sometimes it still doesnt seem real. Its been almost 19 years this October and as I sit here writing this now I'm in tears. I lost my best friend my soul mate. I have moved on to the extent I have remarried. Weve been married for almost 12 years now and my husband now will tell me that I'm his soul mate. I feel bad that I can't say this back to him. My soul mate is gone. I feel bad now because I feel I'm the only one who remembers him. My children can't but I have always told them about him. They have moved on they don't feel like I do. When we visit his grave they will be sad and cry sometimes, but they don't feel the way I do or at least thats the way it seems. I've tried so hard to keep his memory alive. I talk about him often. I've tried to keep my boys in their dad's family, but his family don't seem to really care in the sence that they make no effort to see my children. All the contact thats made has been initiated by me. The kids say they don't care and maybe they don't but I care. I'm adopted and know nothing about my biological family so I feel thats important that they know where they come from. I make such an effort but if they really don't care, should I continue to push this point. Its been so many years now why continue. I feel like I'm the only one who still remembers him, like I'm the only one who hasn't moved on. How do I let this go? Do I continue to care this torch, or let it burn out? Can I move on at this point or should I keep trying to keep his memory alive? I'm hurt that others especially the boys don't miss him like I do. The 8 years that he and I had alone without children were such a bonding time that we became so close. Once our oldest was born my focus changed to him and thus our relationship changed. The accident changed the lives of 3 people drastically. I lost my soul mate and the boys lost a father. I feel so cheated for myself but most of all for them. My husband now has not spent the time I felt the boys deserved. Those childhood years can never be retreved, yet I would turn back the clock again in a heartbeat. Even if I had to live it all over again with all the same hurts and pains I would so I could correct all the mistakes I made. They are so numerous to name or count but I have so much regrets that I would love to redo. If there were only a redo button. If anyone reads this, please don't make the mistakes I've made. Focus on whats important. Try to let go of the past because it will eat you alive. Love hard and live each day as if it were your last then regrets will hopefully be few. Chuck you were the love of my lifetime. I love and miss you very much. Not one day passes that I don't think of you even after almost 20 years apart. I'm not quite sure how heaven works in the sence that will I know who he is, will we have the same relationships there that we had here? If your looking down upon us, I hope you see how the boys have turned out well even dispite all the stupid mistakes I've made while raising them alone. I needed you to help balance them. It's crazy how much they are like you even though they could'nt possible remember you. I see so many physical and personality traits that are just like you. I don't know how to make the pain of loss, regret or guilt go way. The only thing that has remotely helped is keeping busy. I can't say that time has made it pass. It has helped but not healed. It will never go away. I pray for healing and peace to all who have loss. Live every moment like its your last so maybe you can have fewer regrets than myself. Good luck to all. In memory of Chuck.

Comments for I still miss you

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Jun 23, 2014
I still miss you
by: Doreen UK

Connie it sounds like you did not grieve fully for your loss of your first husband Chuck. You owe it to yourself to see a grief counsellor and try to work out your grief in a safe environment with a skilled person who can help you to resolve your past that is still pressing for resolution. You need to do this as a matter of URGENCY in order to help your present marriage continue otherwise you will reach boiling point like a pressure cooker and may spoil what you have. Your children are grown men now and not affected by your grief because their grief is different. To lose a spouse is different from losing a father. You need to separate this grief. You need to FOCUS on what you need to do to resolve your hurt from the past with Chuck to enable you to continue the present and future. You say your present husband says you are his SOULMATE. You can't feel the same way because Chuck was your soulmate. Accept the situation. Don't say it because it will make your present husband happy. Make him happy in the best way you are able. Don't spoil a 12yr. marriage by the past. Sit with a counsellor and try to resolve the issues from your past with Chuck that are pressing for resolution.
If your present husband picks up on your emotions or anything troubling you it will make life difficult. You will then have to be honest and admit that memories from the past returned and you need to resolve them. But not with your present husband. He wouldn't understand. You would jeopardise your marriage now. Your past is PRIVATE to you and you don't have to share your past with him. Counselling works if you get the right person. You can move from the pain of the past and reclaim your life now and live it well. Few people get a second chance in life to live it again. You have got it. Don't lose it or spoil it in any way. If your 2 sons don't want to bond with their Dad's family don't force them. Respect their boundaries. They are Adults now. Letting go is hard to do. But counselling can help here. I struggled with this for years. Counselling worked for me. I got my life back. Worth the investment I made. It is possible to resolve issues from the past so they don't intrude or spoil the present/future. I did it. I hope life gets better for you and that you are able to resolve your pain of losing Chuck and
recover from your grief of losing him.

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