I thought he was going to make a difference in peoples' lives.

by Anonymous

My youngest son committed suicide in February 2009 while he was at college. He wanted to be a teacher and I couldn't wait for the time when he would make a difference in peoples' lives. He was just that kind of kid.

During the last year of his life, I'd call him and we'd talk for a few minutes and he'd say, "Gotta go, Mom." He was busy with school and work and I was just patiently waiting for this period of his life to pass, his wanting his independence, as it had with my other child. I looked forward to the years when he finally grew up and we would have an adult mother-son relationship, when I would watch him grow into a man and give of himself in his forever-present gentle and compassionate manner.

That will never happen. He is gone and my heart is broken. The emptiness, the sadness, the anguish, the despair I feel is all consuming. I am frustrated with the fact that no words can truly describe it. I want to oonvey a heart savagely ripped open, oozing with pain and yet sucking back in because I've always been told, "Where there's a will, there's a way." I have the will, but it doesn't matter - I can't change it. There will be no way.

And even though intellectually I know this, there's still that part of me that keeps searching, keeps questioning, keeps thinking, thinking, thinking, that I can fix this, I can do something. What can I do? What can I do? If I think long enough, if I think hard enough, if I write, write, write, the answer will come. My son is gone, but my will is not.

I want to go back and I can't go back. The "if onlys" abound. Yes, I know that is normal. But this is my son and this is my life and I don't care what is normal. I read and hear I will get better and I don't want to get better because I feel like the pain is all I have right now. It's the only thing that is real. I don't care about work or my house or anyone's petty problems. I simply don't care.

It's nearly impossible to talk to most family and friends because I am not interested in talking about what they want to talk about and they are not interested in talking about what I want to talk about. I want to talk about my son and many, many people won't even say his name. It's as if he never existed.

I am so sorry, my baby, that you had more pain than I ever knew. I am so sorry that I couldn't help you. I am so sorry that you saw no other solution. I am so sorry that your pain ran so deep that you couldn't ask for help. I am so sorry that we didn't know how ill you were.

I read that suicide is a selfish act and that causes me pain and anger, not because I think my son was selfish, but because I know now that he was very ill. He did not mean to be selfish. I know if he could have foreseen the pain he left behind, he would not have done it. I know his own pain blinded him to the consequences of his act. He was a kid - he did not know. He didn't want to hurt anyone. He only wanted his own pain to go away.

I am so sorry, my son, that I will never see the difference you'd make in peoples' lives and your joy in doing so. No matter what, I will always love you.

An Anonymous Mother

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Nov 30, 2009
Grieving mum.
by: Anonymous

Well, it was a year ago last October when we found our beautiful daughter hanging from a tree. We have got through the first anniversary and on the 4th of December it would have been her 21st birthday. And then there is Christmas to deal with, knowing she won't be there. I must admit I have been feeling really down about everything. When an anniversary comes along, the feelings come back and it feels like its happening all over again. I try to think about the rest of the family and it gives me some comfort, but oh my God it is HARD.

Oct 12, 2009
We are fellow travelers
by: Anonymous

Dear Suicide Survivor,

I too, am a suicide survivor. My 30 year old son took his life 4 years ago, though there are days it seems like just like yesterday. He left no note. He had just completed his BS - we got his diploma - and had recently had a relationship go sour. We've decided based on his history and things he said days before his death that he could not take the loneliness anymore. He definitely was depressed, diseased in his mind to the point that he felt hopeless. I have learned that those who are depressed see nothing but a swirling black hole that threatens to suck them in. They do not die to hurt others. They simply want the pain to stop and the only way they see that happening is to end it themselves. They are not thinking on all cylinders - the brain atrophies without blood supply and those with depression don't get enough blood to their brains. Call it a chemical imbalance if you will. It helps me to see my son as very sick, even though we did not connect the dots and those he worked with saw him as quiet, but otherwise a good worker, fun to be around and sincere. Nothing will bring him back, but God knew he was in pain, just as He knows your son was in pain. Suicide is not a selfish act. We do have to pick and choose carefully who we will listen to while in terrible pain. Those who have experienced suicide in their families and especially their children, come along side us and allow us to speak of our loved one and hold us while we cry and even cry with us. That is what I try to do now with others. You and I and all the other mom survivors share a common bond and will until eternity. Don't try to be brave, my dear. Cry when you feel like it. Scream when you want to and stay away from everyone who doesn't "sit well" with you right now. We have made new friends and lost family members due to their anger and blame. But God is ever faithful and He is where I go for comfort. He gave up His only Son. He knows our pain. I've gone long here so I need to bring this to a close. God has helped me write and pour our my pain to Him in letters. If you wish me to send them to you, please write me at "impossiblejoy@yahoo.com" and I will be happy to do so.
May God keep you in the palm of His hand,Isaiah 51:16,(Contemporary English Version)

Aug 26, 2009
Things get better.....

Oh you made me cry, it is almost a year now since my daughter hung herself and I think I can see a glimmer of a future now; it has meant lots of changes, moving on from that terrible night and starting afresh, but it is happening and I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I am not saying I have forgotten,that will never happen and I still have terrible flashbacks. I think I am coming to terms with the fact that it is over, I can't bring her back, I can't change the past and although it pains me, life has to carry on without her. Sometimes I feel her presence, all around, in the sky, the air, in me. It is such a strong feeling of familiarity and I love it, I enjoy it whilst it is there, because it goes as quickly as it comes. I don't know if she is looking over my shoulder or if she is an Angel or is she with the Angels, I like to think so........

Aug 25, 2009
My Beautiful Daughter
by: Anonymous

On August 17, 2009 my 39 year old daughter killed herself. I could not have expressed my emotions or my feelings better. My heart is exploding with pain, my ears ache for her voice and I would give anything if I had known she was so desperate.

I don't think anyone, mother or father, ever get over losing their child.

Thank you for your words and letting me make them mine.

Yours in our loss.

Aug 07, 2009
Beautifully Expressed

Your words have helped put a voice to my feelings of profound loss and grief that have not yet found their way onto these pages.

My beautiful 33 year old daughter took her own life just 7 weeks ago, on June 20th, 2009, and life as I've known it was shattered on that day as well. Words cannot express how deeply her departure from this earth has impacted upon everyone who knew her; but a mother's grief is like none other because the loss of a child is a also a biological one. The person who was our child is part of our own DNA, and the body aches for the lost child in a way that only another Mother who has lost a child, whether adult or younger, could ever possibly comprehend. The loss is a visceral one that sinks way beyond what the mind can even begin to comprehend in such a devastating event as the loss of a child, especially by their own hand.

By the grace of God, I was not the one who found her, and so I do not have that terrible memory to contend with for the rest of my life, as some others here have had to live with. I cannot imagine how one would even begin to deal with such an image, and my heart goes out to those Mothers who do. Just dealing with the loss itself is overwhelming for me as it is.

I am hoping that by reading these pages, and responding where I feel moved to do so, perhaps I will find my voice again and will be able to speak of my own experiences with the grace, beauty and clarity I see written on so many of these pages by other grieving mothers. Thank you for being here, and thank you for sharing your most painful and devasting experiences with others that you don't even know. Your words give a voice to those, who like myself, have yet to find their own.

Best blessings,

A Newly Grieving Mom

Apr 23, 2009
Dear Grieving Mother.
by: A grieving mum.

I know exactly what you are going through; my 19 year old daughter hung herself in my garden in October 2008. She was suffering from a terrible illness called systemic lupus and although we did everything to help her she had had enough of the pain this illness brings.

The worse thing for me is that she spent her final evening with me, we sat on my bed drawing clowns. She looked beautiful and radiated a feeling of peace. Later that night she came and woke me up and told me how much she loved me and said I was the best mum in the world. I didn't suspect a thing as she always used to wake me up in the night to tell me she loved me. So you must know the guilt I feel and the if only I repeat to myself over and over again.

Finding her 24 hours later and cutting her down and seeing her lying on the ground. This beautiful being, it breaks me up into pieces.

But my dear, I carry on and I have made an album of photos which I keep by my bed and I am making an album of her artwork because she was a very creative person. I try to look forward and when things get too hard, I distract myself and try to be creative. I have also created a small patch of garden which is hers. I am not saying it is easy and I don't know if it ever will be, I am saying don't give up, look after yourself and try to look forward.

Apr 10, 2009
I feel your pain
by: JulieC

Dear Grieving Mother,

I feel every bit of your pain...i lost my 22 year old son 9/29/08 and I will never be the same...never be "normal" again.

I have experienced everything you described. I have all the same comments...the one most devastating is that I should be over it by now! How would someone know if they have never had their heart ripped out of their chest and broken into a million pieces with the death of a child.

Every night before I go to bed I still see my son lying in a coma...him turning blue and gasping for his last breath after his life support was turned off...these images are the last memories I have of John and can't get past them.

I have been angry at his dad (my ex), God and even my brother for the poor examples he set for my kids...but nothing will bring me peace...I want to go back six months and undo the past to bring him back!

This road is a long and lonely road - that no one except a mom who's lost a child will ever be able to relate to.

I will pray for you that in some way God can bring you some peace!

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