I thought I would be ok by now
I am 34 years old and 1 year 10 months ago I lost my high school sweet heart/the love of my life, the father of my kids. We were having a hard time. I am a teacher and the night before school started I was tired and knew I needed to get some sleep and we were in the middle of a fight. He wouldn't stop arguing. I finally told him that I needed to get some sleep and at the time because of our problems he was not living with me do I shut off my phone so I could sleep. The next morning I woke up and saw his truck in the driveway and he was not in it. I started to walk around to look for him and that's when I found him in my backyard. I called his name and ran up to him wanting to talk to him and be ok after our argument but I came to see that he had taken his own life. People tell me over and over that it was not my fault but anyone who has ever been through this knows that you will always to some degree take fault. However on holidays I find myself getting angry not even knowing why I am angry, then when I realize why I am angry the anger turns to heartbreak. Today my daughter is graduating from 8th grade as valedictorian and he is not here to see it. I am overwhelmed with emotions. It is 3:30am and I know that I need to get my kids up in a few hours and I need to be ok and happy. I can't be angry and sad because it's my daughters day and it should be a happy day. I am angry and so sad all at the same time. I doubt myself everyday, what if I'm not doing a good job raising our daughters. It does not help that my daughter is 14 and she hates me on a regular basis. Sometimes I just think that I should walk away and have my family step in to raise them. I don't know if I'm good enough for them. They deserve everything, the entire world and I can't get past what happened and they deserve so much better. It's almost been 2 years I should be ok by now!!!! Why am I still not ok?? Why can't I just move on and be ok? What do I do to be better? My kids need me to be ok and I'm just ready to give up!! What is wrong with me?