I thought I would be ok by now

I am 34 years old and 1 year 10 months ago I lost my high school sweet heart/the love of my life, the father of my kids. We were having a hard time. I am a teacher and the night before school started I was tired and knew I needed to get some sleep and we were in the middle of a fight. He wouldn't stop arguing. I finally told him that I needed to get some sleep and at the time because of our problems he was not living with me do I shut off my phone so I could sleep. The next morning I woke up and saw his truck in the driveway and he was not in it. I started to walk around to look for him and that's when I found him in my backyard. I called his name and ran up to him wanting to talk to him and be ok after our argument but I came to see that he had taken his own life. People tell me over and over that it was not my fault but anyone who has ever been through this knows that you will always to some degree take fault. However on holidays I find myself getting angry not even knowing why I am angry, then when I realize why I am angry the anger turns to heartbreak. Today my daughter is graduating from 8th grade as valedictorian and he is not here to see it. I am overwhelmed with emotions. It is 3:30am and I know that I need to get my kids up in a few hours and I need to be ok and happy. I can't be angry and sad because it's my daughters day and it should be a happy day. I am angry and so sad all at the same time. I doubt myself everyday, what if I'm not doing a good job raising our daughters. It does not help that my daughter is 14 and she hates me on a regular basis. Sometimes I just think that I should walk away and have my family step in to raise them. I don't know if I'm good enough for them. They deserve everything, the entire world and I can't get past what happened and they deserve so much better. It's almost been 2 years I should be ok by now!!!! Why am I still not ok?? Why can't I just move on and be ok? What do I do to be better? My kids need me to be ok and I'm just ready to give up!! What is wrong with me?

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Jun 02, 2014
Lost loves
by: Debbie

I am so sorry you have to go through this but your not alone, its been 3 years and I had it seems like it was yesterday. I have lost all of my self confidence, do wrong more than I do right and cant seem to get it together. My kids test me too and I am trying to fake it to make it. Did you ever get into counciling. I am going to start soon I hope. It is so hard, but with Gods help and friends and family, we will get through this. Just take it one minute at a time, one breath at a time. My 9 year old says, I thought you would be through crying now. But it still sucks to lose your kids daddy. They should be here sharing these events with us. They are but only spiritually. I feel exactly the way you do and I am so sorry you have to feel like that cuz it sucks. But this feeling will go away and we will be ok. It will come and go. The devil is the one trying to make you feel the guilt so tell the devil to get lost cuz it is not your fault. We are only in charge of what we do not what others do. If we live with shoulda whoulda and coulda's we will drive ourself crazy. So devil get out of our godly lives and flee. Cry when you need to and know that I am here for you. Life is hard but we will make it. Wait a little while, you will feel better. God loves you!

Jun 02, 2014
You can be O.K! You can get your life back!
by: Doreen UK

Part 2 I ran out of space.
Every child deserves better. Even you. But often we can't give our children what we don't have. Try and develop skills to help yourself and your children. you will be giving them the best. To think of yourself as worthless helps no one. Do everything you can to BUILD YOURSELF UP!
My husband worked all over the world with his job as a carpenter whilst I cared for the children. My husband was tired so would give into the children. I understood this. But when I told my son No. Dad said Yes. it was easier. He was tired. Just came back from a long job. I understood this. But this is where a lot of problems go wrong. My son took it upon himself to become man of the house. Did I give in to him? NO! I maintained my control as Mother. I solved the problem by telling my son. When Dad is home he is boss. When Dad is not home I am boss. Otherwise children can become confused, if there are no boundaries. Parenting is difficult and more so when Dad is away from home.
My son used to make a fuss to clean his teeth and I got fed up shouting at him and wearing myself out. One day I told him. "Chris I am glad you don't brush your teeth, you are saving me money in buying toothepaste, and when you are older you have to pay for your own dental treatment. I used reverse psychology. Problem solved. Parenting is very challenging.
If children see a weakness in you they will use this to their advantage. Maintain healthy boundaries. If you still feel this bad, go and see a counsellor, but don't walk away from your children and leave this to your family. You will be avoiding your responsibilities and be running away from your problems and your children won't ever forget it, that you abandoned them. Get support for yourself now. YOU CAN DO IT. I went into counselling in my 40's By that time I had made all the mistakes. But I did it. Never too late. I changed my life for the better and that of my children. I can give them good counsel and still take responsibility if they are angry about anything. A lot of resolutions also comes with MATURITY. Don't be hard on yourself. Find ways to LOVE YOURSELF BACK INTO LIFE.! Best wishes.

Jun 02, 2014
I though I would be O.K. by now
by: Doreen UK

What is wrong with you? You are hurting deeply over the argument that caused your partner to take his life. It is the timing of the argument and him dying that has left you traumatised with guilt. It has caused an explosion in you that makes you feel unworthy of anything good in life, including being a mother. Your confidence has been shattered and you are all broken inside and out.
You need to see a grief counsellor, if only to put things into perspective and FREE YOU of this GUILT that is slowly killing you. Your teenage daughter is acting up firstly because of her age and also because she also needs to talk to someone so that she also can make sense of her feelings and free herself of holding you responsible for her father's death. She is at a delicate age. Relationships are never easy. You owe it to yourself to take charge of this situation and get professional help for YOU and your daughter. You won't know how good you can feel when your guilt goes. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE for the death of your partner. HE IS. He probably couldn't cope with life and saw a way out of his hurt and pain. But I can understand how you feel.
I had an argument with my son after burying my husband 2yrs. ago from cancer. My son ran off like a hurt and wounded boy and he was 43yrs. of age. 45 now and I don't think he will ever return. I know his personality. You know your partner's personality. Often we have to have confrontations that may not go down well and someone leaves. A lot has to do with MATURITY. When someone FOCUS'S on their inner world they can conclude that they are worthless and not deserving of life, and may end it. But it is still their responsibility in the ADULT WORLD. for the decision they made. You are hurt and angry because you can't bring your partner back. I am hurt and disappointed that I can't bring my son back into my world. BUT. I had to let him go and not re-parent him. If he was MATURE and not so focused on his own happiness I would have him back with me.
You are punishing yourself by feeling you are a bad mother. Start doing one good thing every day for yourself and build on this every day. Because you ARE WORTHY. You will be building up your self esteem which will help your daughter. She sees this weakness in you and she is looking to you for her cues as to how she behaves. BUILD YOURSELF UP. and your daughter will have no reason to behave badly. You are her mother and she should be encouraged to RESPECT and HONOUR YOU. Start today and don't look back with REGRET. REGRETS we all have them. We can let them destroy us or use them as a springboard back into life. Hold your head up high and keep going from strength to strength. Don't tolerate any disrespect from anyone and don't take the blame for your partner's death. Show strength and not weakness which is giving your daughter power over you. You are the Parent. She is the child still at 14yrs.

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