I thought it would get better...But it only got worse

by Johnna-Lynn
(United States)

When I lost my great-grandfather I was 10 years old. Not very old but old enought to realize what death and dying was. I was able to realize that I was losing one of the most important men in my life and that I wasn't able to save him no matter what I did or said.

When the news came to me my dad brought me to the park that I lived down the street from and told me that my "Papa", as I called him, was dying. I thought that he was just trying to get me upset over something that wasn't going to happen but I saw it in his eyes that he wasn't lying to me. I hugged my father and cried into his shoulder for what seemed like hours for a little kid.

I couldn't believe that I was going to lose him. I fought through the next week or so thinking that maybe he will get better. Maybe they will give him medicine that will save him so that I can go sit in his chair and read stories with him again. Well I was wrong.

On October 14, 2003 my parents came to my house and told me that my papa had died that day. I had thought that I had known what it feels like to have a broken heart but I was wrong about that too...

Around this time it seemed like I was wrong about a lot of things. I remember the day like it was yesterday even though it's almost been 6 years that I haven't had him in my life. My mom sat me on the back of my aunt's car and told me that he had died and that I wouldn't be able to see him again. It felt like someone was trying to rip my heart out of my chest at that point. I didn't want to believe her...

I hated her at that point for her telling me that. I wanted to yell at her and hit her and scream that he wasn't gone. That she was lying to me. But I guess she wasn't lying to me. At the funeral I stayed long enough to tell him that I miss him and then I had to leave. I couldn't bear to see him "sleeping" without him breathing.

I hated it but as a 10 year old you had to give me credit for wanting to even go. It's been a rough 5 and a half years especially when I didn't have him here for my Sweet 16 and not having him when I graduate or get married or have kids but I have my mom as support and hopefully that will get me through this.

I will miss him dearly and I will never forget him even though everyone keeps telling me that I should just give up and say goodbye. My mom tells me I should never say goodbye or at least I should never have to if I don't want to, and I don't think I ever will cause it just seems too final for me.

This post has made me feel a little better and I think a lot of people should do this to let out the emotions. Thank you all for listening or reading or whatever you want to say.