I thought things were getting better ~ Not !

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

Live, Laugh, Love each Day with Passion

Live, Laugh, Love each Day with Passion

I was listening to radio the other day and a song from Sara Evans came on called "A Little Bit Stronger". Now if you've heard the song its about a break up ~ but it's still a lost. There were parts that hit home ~

Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face. I got a little bit stronger

Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt So I turned on the radio,
stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger,
just a little bit stronger

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

Even though its a break up song I found I could relate to "I'm getting a little be stronger" most days. I'm trying to be positive, I guess the baby steps are working to some degree. The sadist thing is I don't want to have things work out.

I want out of this "Billy not being here" thing. It's not sounding right when I write this but it's hard to put words to these feelings. I feel at time like I going crazy. I know we all do. I know I will get stronger, I know I will have another life without Billy and I know I will learn to live with the pain and without my best friend.

I hate it and I'll say it I'm sure many more times, I don't care. I'm selfish now I know but I'm calling it what it is.

So tonight I pray to see him in my dreams but I know when I wake in the morning I'll be alone once more. I will try to keep in mind what Billy always had written at the bottom of his emails & posted on his Face Book

Live, Laugh, Love each day with Passion
Always, 1 step, 1 breath at a time ~

Comments for I thought things were getting better ~ Not !

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Oct 03, 2012
I thought things were getting better--NOT!
by: silver

This reminds me of my poem--I ONLY CRY A LITTLE. In it I start with I only cry a little I'm OK. throughout the poem I say that I only cry a little for hearing his name,remembering things about him,seeing his picture,when I go to bed,and other things.It's on the poetry page of this site. There are so many beautiful poems there.They really let you know you're not crazy for still grieving.As someone said:grief is different for each of us and takes different amounts of time--not only for each stage,but for how long completely.for me it has been 16 months so far. NEVER feel like anything you do or don't do is wrong in grieving.sending love and prayers to you GOD give you strength.

Jan 29, 2011
thanks Patricia
by: Linda(Quebec)

and the others who posted.
Its six long weeks since my husband passed. I went to see a grief counselor last week which helped but then so does this and it costs a lot less!!

I told her I don't miss my husband or at least I don't feel as if I do and she said........."oh it will come, you will"

I think I'm still stuck in denial as I can't believe he has gone. Although he was ill from cancer I somehow didn't think he would die, I really didn't.

I have cried all night long and just want him back.

I have gone out a few times to visit friends and even laughed but also found that when I got home to my what now seems like huge, empty house I became more aware that he wasn't with me.
Why don't other people whose spouses have passed tell you how awful this is? Why is it not talked about, I would much rather have known that I was going to go through a living hell and prepare myself for it......somehow !

Right now it feels like being stuck in limbo.

So all of you out there who are sadly in the same position as me ........I wish for you a night where you can sleep at least a little and a day tomorrow where you will cry a little less.

Jan 26, 2011
Kay sura sura...

I too can feel myself getting just a wee bit stronger day by day. I should make me happy but that loneliness just won't leave me alone. Life seems bland is the best that I can put it. I do what I need to and yes do occasionally laugh. A genuine belly shaking laugh.

My rational sense says keep going just keep on trucking there is no actual finish line but there has to be more than this. Because this kinda bites. Really does. We move on move forward without those that we loved and it just isn't easy.

But as long as we are trying to move ahead I guess that that is something. We know eventually we will be o.k.

Yesterday I packed away Paul's Halloween stuff, His books, His Dvd's and CD's. I thought I was o.k and totally broke down. But the difference now is I can rebound. Come back a little easier than before. The blues still try to camp out within me but we are making it. One breath and one step at a time towards what ever will be Will Be. (kay sura)

Jan 26, 2011
by: Zoe

I understand what you are saying. If you make things 'right' it feels like you are accepting, or moving away from your love. And the last thing in the world you want is to move away from your love. Unfortunately, time moves us away, life moves us. But we do not go willingly anymore than we willingly let them go.

Baby steps, half baby steps, whatever you do, there are things that have to be done, it does not move you away, unless that is your choice.

When I have to deal with an issue I talk to John, sometimes out loud, it just makes me feel better. When I bought this house I am in, I made it very clear, this is John and My house and it will be our house until I die. He is home with me.

That is what works for me, but for each of us is different. Just know we all understand that feeling of .... guilt... hmmm not a good word but can't think of another one, when we feel ourselves moving forward.

I can tell you that moving forward simply allows you to breath a little easier. Forward is not moving away, it is just Forward, the rest, well that is up to how you deal with this. There is no right way, or a wrong way, there is just an is.

hold on to
one breath, one step


Jan 26, 2011
A New Normal?

Everyone keeps telling me I have to find a new normal. All I know right now is what I am feeling is no way close to normal. I hate this!! I'm afraid to even try to start living without my husband. I've been sitting here for two months getting nowhere. It seems to be getting worse every day.

I went with my son to visit our best friends over the weekend. We had a great time, laughing like crazy as we always have when we are with them. It really felt good. On Sunday day I woke up with this horrible depressed feeling that is just starting to go away today. I realize that feeling of depression came from me sharing something with friends that we used to share together. My husband wasn't with us. So for the 5 hours of relief and happiness I felt I've suffered 48 hours of black depression. Is that normal? Being with my husband was the only normal I knew. What is my new normal? I don't even want to go there.

We're in this together. I'm not even making baby step progress right now ~ I know how you loved your husband so I feel some hope that you are making even the slightest progress.
Thanks Patricia (I luv Sara Evans).

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