I tried, and I cannot do it

by Zoe

I know what we do at the worst hour, one breath one-step one day at a time.

However, I had no idea that the holidays would do this to me. I am back where I was when he died, I cannot eat, I cannot sleep, I cry all the time. I cannot pull myself through this, I just cannot. Therefore, I have decided not to have Christmas. I am buying presents but having them sent, but all on line; no shopping in stores decked out and playing music. I am not going to decorate, no visits. no special dinner.

My goal is to try to make this as same as any other day as I can. One thing is I do not have small children, so I do not have the need to put on the holiday show. My children are grown and my grand daughter will not be at my house this year for Christmas. I will do what I did at Thanks giving and go to a dinner at my son’s then go home and curl up in the ball I have been in since thanksgiving.

I cannot do this without him, I do not want to.

Comments for I tried, and I cannot do it

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Dec 02, 2010
To all of us with this shared Pain
by: Sue

I felt at first a connection with Zoe, which I SO still do...YOU are trying, and dammit every breath, every "Hello" every moment means you/WE are doing "IT" even when we don't think so....I have given up on myself, on any future, I have lost so many (more than I spoke of) in a span of 5 years, and I am only 49.

If I have nothing else to offer to anyone, I am starting to feel like I have finally found people who understand me, how damaged, how broken, how unable to FEEL anything but pain. But, I cling to the thought that sharing my pain is helping SOMEHOW for SOMEONE to get through the next minute. Zoe; and all who responded to her, may the fact that we have somehow helped each other by sharing let us BREATHE that next breath...

Dec 02, 2010
To Zoe
by: Anonymous

Don't try to do it by yourself. That's just too much pain for one person to deal with. The Holidays are the worst time of the year to try and

I lost my parents and both brothers. I lost my baby brother July 2010 and I haven't done anything but sit in a dark room and cry. But from past experience I know you have to grieve, pray, cry, sort through the memories, and somewhere, start to heal.

My prayers to you, dear, we are all walking this road together. Some are ahead of us, some are behind us. Blessings to you.

Dec 01, 2010
To Zoe
by: Sue

Oh, how my heart aches for you....I feel so totally your pain, as I too have just lost my beloved in September after a long journey.. He passed at just 57, three months after my brother passed unexpectedly also at 57. I thought I would be better able to deal with the Holidays, but Thanksgiving began the endless dark road ahead for "survivors" like us. I try to remember that those particular dates are just days, like any other...all empty and lonely, but still just days to be gotten through as best we can. And however we get through them is OK--do what you can for you, ONLY you....God Bless and Good luck to all of us who are left to move forward. You ARE doing "it".

Dec 01, 2010
We can and we will...because we have thus far


Today is Dec 1st. So I know exactly what you mean. I cannot bear to go Wal-Mart I know they have the muzac piped in big time. And it does feel like "It" just happened. I am so sad and cannot force that mask on today. I did not cry at work but as I took a bath (thinking it would help) in Avons Sensual Moments it really upset me. Note the name, what a not funny joke that is...I would (normally) be smelling good for him and I remember the effect that it would have; it was a very lonely memory.

We can do this because we have to. I wish there were a way around it but there is not.
Remember one breath at a time. I was actually doing some type of birth/relaxation exersize type breathing, the damn Christmas music make me sick and I thought I would certainly lose it. Both cookies and my mind at the same time.

I sure must have looked funny moping and breathing like that. But hey girl what ever it takes to get through the day...

We'll make it. Stay in touch and vent as often as you need. I'll be here...

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