I tried, and I cannot do it

by Zoe
(Maryland)

I know what we do at the worst hour, one breath one-step one day at a time.

However, I had no idea that the holidays would do this to me. I am back where I was when he died, I cannot eat, I cannot sleep, I cry all the time. I cannot pull myself through this, I just cannot. Therefore, I have decided not to have Christmas. I am buying presents but having them sent, but all on line; no shopping in stores decked out and playing music. I am not going to decorate, no visits. no special dinner.

My goal is to try to make this as same as any other day as I can. One thing is I do not have small children, so I do not have the need to put on the holiday show. My children are grown and my grand daughter will not be at my house this year for Christmas. I will do what I did at Thanks giving and go to a dinner at my son’s then go home and curl up in the ball I have been in since thanksgiving.

I cannot do this without him, I do not want to.