I understand the grief.

Thank you, for this website. I have stumbled across the site while working late at night from my home. I seem to pause sometimes late in the evening, after my children have gone to bed to just sit and cry. I often look on the internet to see what others may post who have gone through divorce as I have.

I am a 45 year old woman with two beautiful children. My husband divorced me 3 years ago this June. Our lives started together when I was 15 years old and he 18 years old when me met in high school. We married just shy of 6 years after we met. We were married 9 years before we decided to have children and were married just shy of 22 years when he decided to leave.

I completely agree with the sentiments described on the site about grief. I do feel that I have experienced and continue to experience the same level of grief as someone who has lost someone to death. You have no choice over someone leaving you due to death but divorce is an entirely different thing.

My husband told me on my 41st birthday that he was having an affair with a co-worker. This woman is 13 years younger than him, was married -- she married, divorced her husband and remarried him then divorced him in the end one last time for my husband.

It was a very bitter and ugly divorce. He couldn't divorce me on his own but resorted to various means of horrible behavior to get me to help him to it. It's such a shame that when your in the midst of all the shock and emotion that is thrown at you that you are not able to think clearly while in the throws of it all. Looking back now, I wish I had not been intimidated and forced to help him leave our family. I should have made him step up and do all that dirty divorce work on his own.

My husband (ex) married his affair 4 months after our divorce. He didn't tell me. He didn't tell our children. I figured it out later and he never officially told our children for 1 full year. His now wife, left her child and moved 40 minutes away to set up a new life with my husband. My children have never met her and they never want to. The destructive nature of the divorce took a definite toll.

It is so difficult to raise your children alone. The life that was supposed to be, all the plans and dreams... changed. I pictured my children coming home to us when they had children of their own. It all changes. Every single thing changes. While an adult can shoulder the hurt, it is life altering for children. To watch the pain in your child's eyes and feel the hurt they carry in their heart is crushing for a mom to watch.

I struggle everyday with the loss. The hurt stays. I have lived alone now for 4 years. Have not dated because not only is it difficult to trust, and love another. I feel I need to be very careful to set a good example for my children and what they see and are exposed to. Not everyone moves on. Some of us get stuck in grief unfortunately. It's not always your choice keeping you there.

All I am sure of about grief is this: grief just morphs, it doesn't really go away. All the canned sayings of: “things will get better”, “time heals all wounds”. ..these are not helpful to hear. Each person's grief is unique and how they move through it is also unique. Your heart and soul are forever changed... and quite honestly...all I (we) need is a friend to quietly sit with us and reach out with human touch and just hug or hold or hand for a few minutes. Watching my husband (ex) live a new life and leave this one behind ...me being very alone to work to maintain a home and raise my children ...is the most difficult thing to do

Comments for I understand the grief.

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Apr 16, 2012
Thank you Judith
by: Anonymous

I would like to say thank you for your careful wording. I have never posted anything before on any site and was worried of the responses. I understand that grieving the death of anyone is different but do feel the loss of my best friend and husband in a very similar way. Even though I choose not to communicate with him verbally anymore I do still be kindly of him to the children. I don't restrict how often they see their dad and they see him during the week and on every weekend. They struggle with the way he left and marrying in secret and he doesn't force them to meet her but he has separate time with just the kids as often as he likes. These are their choices and I will support whatever however they choose to proceed. Your words meant for me, I do agree with but seem very stuck in grief. Almost 30yrs growing up with one person and the life shared, well, is difficult for me to let go of. No insurance for counseling and probably won't post anything anywhere again. Was just seeing how this worked. Thank you though for a heartfelt response.

Apr 16, 2012
Understand it but move on
by: Judith in California

All the things you mention about him are all the reasons you should move on and meet someone who will love you. And yes we do have a choice in grieving after 4 years. We have to behave our way to success. AND your children will grow up and move out and you will be alone. They would prefer to see you happy and living life. Divorce is in no way like greiving for a spouse who will no longer be on this earth to see.
Please let your children know they should still have a relationship with their Father and don't pit them against him. He made a choice and he must live with it. Mosy marriages born out of cheating do not last . If they do it with you they do it to you.You must make a choice to be happy.
The best revenge is to do well. The way you are doing it is giving him your power. Take it back and be strong.

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