I want another chance!

by Joan
(Lynn, MA)

Zen in Japan!

Zen in Japan!

My 24 year old son Danny, passed away on June 5, 2012 from a heroine overdose. My daughter was vacationing in San Juan when it happened, and I was left alone to try to make sense of things. We had him court ordered to rehab in 2011, for prescription pain med addiction, and I believed that he was doing well. Until, we were told by an old friend that he was now using heroine. My daughter and I confronted him, and he denied it completely. My daughter tried to have him court ordered to rehab for a 2nd time, but the attorney advocate for my son believed that my son was not using, and Danny was let go. His opiate addiction became worse with time, and my son entered a suboxone drug clinic, and finally admitted that his problem was out of control. However, he convinced myself and my daughter that with suboxone, he was handling his recovery. The last time I saw my son alive was on Easter Sunday, 2012. We went to visit family and my young grand nephew and nieces. When Danny removed his sunglasses, his eyes told the whole story that he was clearly using and actually under the influence while Easter egg hunting with the young ones. I was furious with him for visiting family while he was high, and my adult nephews took him to task. None of us were fooled. He stuck to the story that he was using suboxone, and not opiates. Less than 6 weeks later, he was found dead in his apartment of a heroine overdose. I later contacted the suboxone clinic, and the doctor informed me that he had not seen my son for 6 months. He had lied to me, my daughter, his father and everyone in his life. He was a slave to his addiction, and the devil won the battle. I wish that I could have helped him, and feel very guilty that I was not able to convince him to take the help of rehab. Addiction is a disease, and lying is one of the major symptoms. I miss my son - and I always will.

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Jul 30, 2014
I lost my son on July 1, 2014
by: Anonymous

I lost my only son on 7/1/14 from an overdose. He was 20 years old, just two months shy of his 21st birthday, which he was looking so forward to. Its like my life has frozen in time. I often can't believe it. Its almost like a bad nightmare. The days are moving along but I'm lost in this maze. I miss him terribly. I go to bed crying, wake up crying and cry most of the day. Its hard for me to even look at a picture of him because the memories are too hurtful. I have two other kids. His little sisters and constantly think he won't be there to protect them. I think of all the things he won't be able to do, marriage, have kids, just living young. The pain is unbearable and unconsolable. I have joined a weekly support group for parents who have lost children due to substance abuse. I have also been seeing a grief counselor once a week. But nothing seems to help. I know its fairly fresh but I cannot see any days that I won't feel like this. I've been prescribed medication for anxiety, panic attacks and depression. I literally have no energy to get out of the bed. I haven't been able to work and literally get anxiety thinking about the day I have to go back to work. All I can do is pray everyday. I still ask why, why why my Anthony. I never get the answer to that. So, now when I wake up, I ask for a little more strength than I had the day before and to eventually receive peace and acceptance. God bless all the parents on this blog.

Jul 15, 2014
Another Chance?
by: Mary

I too lost my 40 yr. old Son to heroin on Jan. 29, 2014. The day before his birthday. I never even knew he was on drugs! He grew up in Saugus, MA. A once quiet little suburban town that has been turned upside down by the abuse of drugs. I wish I could turn back time so I could have helped him. What can you do when there are no outward signs of drug addiction? He was an engineer at Harvard, never any trouble at work. I just don't get it!! I think, maybe I am so naïve I just didn't see what was happening? My son would have a fit whenever I smoked a cigarette!
Another chance? Maybe he'd still be here...or maybe..maybe.

Jun 18, 2014
Another chance
by: Jolynn

I am so sorry you lost your beloved son. I too lost my son to a Heroin overdose and his story is similar to your son's as he started out on oxycontin then suboxone then Heroin, and also Methadone. He was 26 and I lost him about 1 year ago. He was an officer in the Marines, was outgoing, funny very smart, played every sport was a belt from black in military martial arts. He was in training to be a fighter pilot. He had his pilot's license and had a brilliant future in front of him but he got sideways with opiates. He lied as well. They keep secrets. They don't want to be this way but the brain chemistry won't give them peace. They have affected the area of the brain that is the pleasure center. Responsible for us needing food, bonding with babies, sex(if we didn't like sex our species would die out. It affects all the areas that are needed for survival. If they don't get their drug they feel as if they will die and they will say and do anything to get that drug. It's as if you were really hungry and someone said "don't be hungry", you could not stop being hungry and so they cannot help their craving as it comes from the same brain region. Addicts should be thought of as medical problems and criminality should be out. That way they wouldn't hide their use. I am so sorry you have to go thru this. It isn't your fault. These young kids feel invincible as if it will never happen to them. How sad we all are. May you find some peace.

Jun 12, 2014
My heart breaks for you!
by: Melanie

My heart aches for you..I too lost my son to a battle with drugs one month before his 18th birthday. You are left with such a emptiness deep within your soul...one that consumes you every waking moment and many nights in your dreams! I also shared my sons story on this site...I've shared part 1 & 11-- sometimes my thoughts and emotions encourage me to write to share and other times, the same thoughts and emotions drive me so crazy that I can barely breathe, much less thinking of doing anything else.
The link to the two parts I've share are below...and my contact info is as well.

Melanie Griffin (FB- Durango, TX...profile pic has people, not a plant that says new beginnings-that is not personal FB.) email is melaniedgriffin0769@gmail.com

Part 1:

http://www.recover-from-grief.com/the-moment-that-changed-my-life-foreverliving-with-an-angelno-warning-label-attached.html

Part 2:

http://www.recover-from-grief.com/the-moment-that-changed-my-life-foreverpart-2-as-bridger-said-time-to-get-it-done.html

my love to you!!!

Jun 12, 2014
Another chance
by: Anonymous

I want another chance as well. I look at the pictures of my little boy when he was young, and wish I could go back and start over. He always gravitated to the wrong crowd, but was a good hearted and talented person. Fun, intelligent, and could really connect with people. We lost him to heroin a little over a year ago. I can't get over that we "lost" him. I will always miss him and love him. He was only 31. I am sorry for your loss as well. I do know how much it hurts.

Jun 11, 2014
Your son
by: Kate

No matter how we loose our child,it is heartbreaking! It is devastating to try to understand why and find no answer. My heart goes out to you,seems it was a hard struggle for you to watch as well as for him too. We can't undo anything. We can know they are at peace but we are not. Take one day at a time and healing will come,but it will be a struggle. My son drank and took cocaine and together it stopped his heart. "Accidental death"..... How do we accept this painful loss! Very hard but here we are on the mourning bench together. Be easy on yourself. You tried. You loved him. You cared. God be with you.

Jun 11, 2014
The loss of my son at 26
by: Dori

I am so sorry for your loss. I always felt so helpless when my son wouldn't let me in. I still kept being supportive and hoped it would be enough. My stepson is struggling with addiction from opiates, whatever he could get his hands on. When we lost my son he went into rehab. He is home and still struggling but has been clean for over 6 months now.
I lost my son to an accidental overdose 11-22-13, they said he had high levels of oxycodone in his system, he apparently got it from his grandmother that he was caring for. He had been sober for almost 9 months from alcoholism, he didn't do other drugs,he was in medical school and getting straight A's. The teacher at the school said he would have been the valedictorian. He had been rear ended at the end of August and had a personal injury attorney because the other person's insurance wasn't covering much. The attorney was taking a long time getting things done and he had a lot of neck pain. I think that may have been his motivation. It's just a guess because there's obviously no way to ever know what was really in his head. I found him myself and just relive that day over and over in my head. It was the worst day of my life. I have alot of awesome people around me but I am still feeling so empty and I just don't know how to move on. I was hoping that if I spoke with someone that's been there it might help. Everyone tells me that I can't keep up with the what ifs but they just don't understand. Everyone says everything happens for a reason but in my mind what could it possibly be with him? He was doing well, at least he appeared to be. Anyways, sorry for the on and on, I do that a lot without realizing. I hope all is well with you. Please take care!

Jun 11, 2014
Missing our sons
by: Joe's mom

We have the final sentence in common. No matter what the reason of a son's death, that wish for one more day is always with us. We do not forget them or the wish of a "do-over". Missing a child is so painful and I accept that this will last until I die now. Sometimes, I hope that I will not lose anyone else, but that means I would go next, causing all I care about the same torture, so I will just live on. Finding a way to get through the days and nights, hoping for peace, well, eventually the pain comes in waves, no longer drowning me day and night. I try to find a smile, but feel the stress when I am around some people, so I prefer to be alone a LOT more. I am not yet able to enjoy gatherings, find myself nearing panic when I think too much and back out of going mostly. I cannot really tolerate most people more than a few minutes, my life is not really going on, though I function daily. When the thoughts become more than I can tolerate, I pray that God handle the pain and bring me peace, because NO one can replace the son I lost, or understand the depth of the pain unless they too have had the experience. I wish you peace.

Jun 10, 2014
I want another chance!
by: Doreen UK

Joan I am sorry for your loss of your young son. OH how painful life is when you lose a child/adult child. Life is gone so fast that we don't have time to process what this loss does to our live. My nephew was on pain med that had suicidal feelings and he was not taken seriously and when he was depressed he threw himself in front of an express train 9yrs. ago. We can't forget this day as it hurt us all so much. A promising young man of 30yrs. with so much to live for but was so lonely he wanted to go back home and his mother couldn't. Caught between her 2nd husband and her son.
All this dying hurts us so much that life does become so unbearable. I often feel as if the devil is winning this battle. Often the battle is too strong for us.
If you believe in God then Hold on to Him tightly because God is all we have. Life is very hard and difficult, but more so after losing our loved ones. I also sometime can't find the strength to fight this battle. But we have to stick together and form a band of SOLIDARITY. This way we keep our Hope alive and our support to help us go on yet another day. May God be with you and comfort you.

Jun 10, 2014
Your son and mine
by: Anonymous

Yes it is a disease. They do lie. They will do anything to keep using, because after a while it just controls their life. Its so sad, and we are losing good people to this horrible drug. We need better treatments, because rehab only works for some people. Its a lifetime struggle. I lost my son about a year ago. I too loved him and miss him everyday. Its so hard to believe a smart and relatively healthy young man, would just die. We need to find a better way to help them.

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