I want my mom to come back.
My mom with us when she was not so sick yet.
It has been almost 2 years since my mom passed away. I still have such a hard time dealing with it and here is why... My mom had been sick with narcolepsy and other issues that it brings for years. I waited all my life for her to get better so she could spend time with me do things together. She was always going to doctors for tests and trying different medications. She took so much Ritalin that she hallucinated about things that were wrong with her and they just were not real. She spent hours doing ODC things in the bathroom and running the water. She did not live a normal life from the time I was in high school. She died when I was 48. I am 50 now. The thing is, she did not die from her illness. They say she had ovarian cancer and pnemonia, yet they did all kinds of test on her in the hospital and one day things looked hopeful and another they did not. When they finally decided she for sure did have cancer, they took her off her respirator and said she would die within 48 hours. I was with her and my dad and sisters in her hospital room for 8 days. She had "pallitive" care which to me just looked they knocked her out and let her starve to death...I never got to talk to her. She never got knew she had ovarian cancer. She never had a say in anything and I don't think she would have wanted to die this way. I wanted them to be able to wake her up, tell her what was wrong and give her the control if she wanted to be alert and if she wanted to eat or not. Or maybe she would have said yes I am in too much pain, I want pallitive care...she never had the choice. I watched her starve to death for 8 days. I couldnt voice my opinion because when my brother tried, my dad got really upset. He really thought he was doing the best thing for her and maybe he was. I will never know for sure. I feel guilty sometimes that I did not fight for her rights even if it upset the family. I have always been the one that seems to upset the apple cart in my family and I really wanted to be supportive but just felt like this was wrong. I want to talk to her to see if she is mad at me for not fighting for her and tell her I am sorry and I miss her and I don't want her to be dead. She was only 72. This stinks. Now it is Easter and I think of Jesus rising from the dead and wish my Mom could do the same. I don't know if there is any way to feel better about this. I can't cry either.