I Want to Be Whole Again

by June

Anxiety, loneliness, fear, and losing my zest for life! What is all this? I need a job! I need a life! I am faking it, but I'm not making it! I hurt and it's beginning to show!!!

Where do I go from here! Why did it take so long for me to feel? All these are concerns of mine today. I want to live and I want to be in a relationship but how can I move on while still existing and not living?

My husband died January of 2008 of Lou Gehrigs Disease. He was full of life and people loved him. The process of the illness was difficult but his attitude remained positive for the most part. We all played a game of acting in order to get through it all and by the grace of God we made it! Now I am suddenly feeling the pain and don't know what to do about it! There's no where to run so I search and search on the computer for some type of relief. I hate to complain to friends or children - either they have their own problems or they are suffering themselves.

I am now 65 yrs. old and now when looking in the mirror I see a fearful, cranky old lady looking back at me! This is the beginning of my new life! Writing this note is a promise to myself that through God's grace I will get a new attitude and put one foot in front of the other one, walk with my head held high, and PUSH ON THROUGH this thing called life! The pain might be here, but it does not, nor will I allow it to consume me! I deserve a life, I deserve to love again. I will be free of this pain and just hold on to the good times we had, all the memories we made together and watch our grands and know that he would have been proud of them.... Life goes on and only I can make the decision to live for today. I pray that I will cry a river tonight so that I will have sunshine from this day forward - I have not cried! I need to release and don't know how!!! But, again I pray that God will help me with the tears - let them flow freely so that I can release this pain called grief and move on.

Thank you for reading my story even though I didn't share the past. It's not about the past, for me it's about today - living it to the fullest and the next day - finding myself again, finding my smile, that person I once was. Feeling like a whole person and not a half person - no longer lopsided!

Comments for I Want to Be Whole Again

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Aug 03, 2012
I Want to Be Whole Again
by: June

Thank you Doreen and Zoe for your comments. Somehow reaching out to each other does help. I just wanted to let you know that I do appreciate your comments. Have a good day and I hope the days get better for each of you also. Keep on pushing...

I'm new to this site and hope responding in gratitude is okay.

Aug 01, 2012
I Want to Be Whole Again
by: Doreen U.K.

June, Perhaps you are so frustrated about still locked in grief that it is taking over and you want your grief to be over quickly so that you can get on with LIFE. You are just existing you say and you don't want to live like this. It has been 4yrs. for you and you don't like the way you are existing. You want Joy and happiness and love back in your life. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS! You need a job you need to move on with your life. THIS IS GOOD AND RIGHT TO WANT THIS! Perhaps you have been stuck in grief which is why you have not been able to move forward as quickly as you wanted. You perhaps should have worked with a grief counsellor. You would have been supported well and been able to move forward. You can still go and see a counsellor. It can't hurt.
People will usually move forward into a new life when they are ready. Grief cannot be rushed. But the process of Grief can be slowed down when we either become too busy that we don't make the time to feel our grief. Or postponed grief. And it can make things worse and people can become frustrated and angry with the process of grief lasting too long and limiting life. June I hope that you are able to feel better from posting how you feel and that you feel you are supported. If you don't feel better. See a bereavement counsellor. You won't regret this. If you get the right counsellor. You will be able to move forward into this new life you want. You will be able to not be so frustrated that grief takes over your life. From your post I can feel you swimming your way through life and you come up for air and then you go under and you are struggling to keep on top. I don't know how long my grief is going to last. it feels as if it will be forever. It is only 11 weeks ago I buried my husband of 44yrs. marriage. I don't like waking up to a new day as it holds nothing but LONLINESS & EMPTINESS. I never asked much out of life but the simple things. Sitting with my husband. The companionship has gone. The quality of life has vanished. This is what us widows want back. Some sort of life that makes it feel worth living. WE ARE ONLY EXISTING IN GRIEF.
I know how you feel! I know what you are saying! I hope that the days ahead will be easier for you and that you will be able to find your way out of this maze of grief.

Jul 31, 2012
Being whole
by: Zoe

Its funny isn't it that we crave to be with our love, because we are one. Then they are taken from us and we are left.. so what half is left, how can we be half.
I commend you on recognizing your new journey. Maybe the first step to working your way through is writing here, to put your pain into words. Because once you write it, for me anyway, its like I have to accept it, to move on.. to be what ever.
Your place in grief is different than mine. But I do think you are making excellent first steps. Because, when you start you can only do it one foot in front of the other, a step at a time. Congratulations on your first step.

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