I Want to Be Whole Again
Anxiety, loneliness, fear, and losing my zest for life! What is all this? I need a job! I need a life! I am faking it, but I'm not making it! I hurt and it's beginning to show!!!
Where do I go from here! Why did it take so long for me to feel? All these are concerns of mine today. I want to live and I want to be in a relationship but how can I move on while still existing and not living?
My husband died January of 2008 of Lou Gehrigs Disease. He was full of life and people loved him. The process of the illness was difficult but his attitude remained positive for the most part. We all played a game of acting in order to get through it all and by the grace of God we made it! Now I am suddenly feeling the pain and don't know what to do about it! There's no where to run so I search and search on the computer for some type of relief. I hate to complain to friends or children - either they have their own problems or they are suffering themselves.
I am now 65 yrs. old and now when looking in the mirror I see a fearful, cranky old lady looking back at me! This is the beginning of my new life! Writing this note is a promise to myself that through God's grace I will get a new attitude and put one foot in front of the other one, walk with my head held high, and PUSH ON THROUGH this thing called life! The pain might be here, but it does not, nor will I allow it to consume me! I deserve a life, I deserve to love again. I will be free of this pain and just hold on to the good times we had, all the memories we made together and watch our grands and know that he would have been proud of them.... Life goes on and only I can make the decision to live for today. I pray that I will cry a river tonight so that I will have sunshine from this day forward - I have not cried! I need to release and don't know how!!! But, again I pray that God will help me with the tears - let them flow freely so that I can release this pain called grief and move on.
Thank you for reading my story even though I didn't share the past. It's not about the past, for me it's about today - living it to the fullest and the next day - finding myself again, finding my smile, that person I once was. Feeling like a whole person and not a half person - no longer lopsided!