I want to believe I will be happy again.
I lost my mum in november this year from cancer, she was only diagnosed officially at the end of September.
I had no idea she would go so quickly and I am heartbroken.
I can't stop thinking about how much she suffered, I lost her really as soon as she became ill in september because she was in so much discomfort and I was so scared that I couldn't speak to her as I usually did. I feel I let her down by not trying to be more 'normal' with her.
I really hope she knew in those last months that I loved her, I still told her but I couldn't hug her like I wanted to.
I hope she wasn't too upset that I had to see and do things that I know would have made her very uncomfortable before because I would have done anything for her.
She wanted to come home before she died, but she was so swollen and needed nurses 24/7. Dad and I couldn't lift her without being scared we would break her arms, she was so thin in the end in the upper body but her stomach and legs were badly swollen. I hate that I missed being with her by about 5 minutes due to stupid traffic, the nurses were with her and I held her hand as soon as I got there but it was too late.
I miss her and can't ever imagine being happy again but I have to carry on for my dad and kids.
I am so worried about my dad and don't want to lose him too because he gives up. We are looking after each other the best we can.