I want to believe I will be happy again.

I lost my mum in november this year from cancer, she was only diagnosed officially at the end of September.
I had no idea she would go so quickly and I am heartbroken.
I can't stop thinking about how much she suffered, I lost her really as soon as she became ill in september because she was in so much discomfort and I was so scared that I couldn't speak to her as I usually did. I feel I let her down by not trying to be more 'normal' with her.

I really hope she knew in those last months that I loved her, I still told her but I couldn't hug her like I wanted to.
I hope she wasn't too upset that I had to see and do things that I know would have made her very uncomfortable before because I would have done anything for her.

She wanted to come home before she died, but she was so swollen and needed nurses 24/7. Dad and I couldn't lift her without being scared we would break her arms, she was so thin in the end in the upper body but her stomach and legs were badly swollen. I hate that I missed being with her by about 5 minutes due to stupid traffic, the nurses were with her and I held her hand as soon as I got there but it was too late.

I miss her and can't ever imagine being happy again but I have to carry on for my dad and kids.
I am so worried about my dad and don't want to lose him too because he gives up. We are looking after each other the best we can.

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Dec 21, 2013
I want to believe I will be happy again.
by: Doreen UK

I am sorry for your loss of your mom to cancer. These will be the most difficult days for all of you. It is a normal part of grief to feel that one didn't do enough or their best for their loved one. this is the grief talking. Cancer affects the whole family. The cancer changes the person suffering and it is near impossible to do things the correct way as you feel in your mind. Cancer changed my husband. He went from a placid subdued man to aggressive, irritable, and angry. I had to leave the room many times. Have a good cry and then go back in and nurse him as if nothing happened. I read a lot of books and knew this was the nature of cancer and to not hold it over my husband. He suffered for over 3yrs. and died 19 months ago of a deadly cancer that was terminal.
Let your father have his space to grieve. But support him by asking him what he needs from you in support and care and keep an eye on him all the time. But don't smother him. You will learn as you go along. It is a very hard place to be right now especially at this time of the year. It almost feels like an eternity of suffering. Take one day at a time. This is how I have coped. In the early days of grief I felt as if I would feel this bad forever and I couldn't believe change could take place from where I was at. I took to the couch for 6 months unable to do anything and I nurtured myself back into life. I never thought I could ever be happy again. But I do have days of content and days of sorrow. This is the nature of the healing process which is slow. You will get your life back and be happy again. Keep Hope alive. Don't give up!!! Best wishes.

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