I Want To Go Home.....
by Trish Jones
Grandpa's Pride and Joy
Today marks the 6th month anniversary. This is an anniversary I never wanted to celebrate. I think about that first month when I was in a total fog. I went to a doctors appointment during that time and had to write "W" in the marital status field. I celebrated the holidays on auto pilot with my two and three year old grandsons saying, "Where's papa? Why isn't he here?" They asked about him for a few months but they don't ask anymore.
I was doing OK today until I looked on Facebook. My daughter posted a picture of Joe to mark this 6 months. There are 15 comments on it, "I will always love and miss my friend," and "what a huge heart he had," and "remember when...." She won't discuss her father with me but I know she misses him so much. We all do.
I'm living in a foreign country and nobody speaks my language. Nobody understands. I don't like this country at all. I want to go back to my "home."
I'm already feeling immense pressure to MOVE ON. I've had three people in the last month tell me I need to start looking for at least a part-time job. "You need to get out and mingle, be around good people." The problem is with my past jobs in the medical field there really weren't that many "good people" around. I just don't feel ready to deal with that totally self-centered, know it all and morally bankrupt person that I have to deal with on a daily basis. We all know there is one in every office and work situation.
I have some good days but the broken heart is always there. It's like a chronic pain that never goes away. I'm just hoping and praying that the next 6 months will bring more good days than bad. I'm going through the worst "missing him" part of this ride right now.
I thank God for this web site and all of the brave and beautiful people who have encouraged me over the last 6 months. One breath, one step (I know).