I Want To Go Home.....

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I Want To Go Home.....

by Trish Jones
(Chicago)

Grandpa's Pride and Joy

Today marks the 6th month anniversary. This is an anniversary I never wanted to celebrate. I think about that first month when I was in a total fog. I went to a doctors appointment during that time and had to write "W" in the marital status field. I celebrated the holidays on auto pilot with my two and three year old grandsons saying, "Where's papa? Why isn't he here?" They asked about him for a few months but they don't ask anymore.
I was doing OK today until I looked on Facebook. My daughter posted a picture of Joe to mark this 6 months. There are 15 comments on it, "I will always love and miss my friend," and "what a huge heart he had," and "remember when...." She won't discuss her father with me but I know she misses him so much. We all do.
I'm living in a foreign country and nobody speaks my language. Nobody understands. I don't like this country at all. I want to go back to my "home."
I'm already feeling immense pressure to MOVE ON. I've had three people in the last month tell me I need to start looking for at least a part-time job. "You need to get out and mingle, be around good people." The problem is with my past jobs in the medical field there really weren't that many "good people" around. I just don't feel ready to deal with that totally self-centered, know it all and morally bankrupt person that I have to deal with on a daily basis. We all know there is one in every office and work situation.
I have some good days but the broken heart is always there. It's like a chronic pain that never goes away. I'm just hoping and praying that the next 6 months will bring more good days than bad. I'm going through the worst "missing him" part of this ride right now.
I thank God for this web site and all of the brave and beautiful people who have encouraged me over the last 6 months. One breath, one step (I know).

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I Want To Go Home.....

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Our new home...
by: Anonymous

Trish,

I think that 6 months is when the pain began to truly be searingly painful. Friends and family have moved on and it is then you feel truly alone. There will be good days and bad a roller coaster that we all wanted off. But know that we are here for you any time day or night.
Reading your posts I know that you have a very good insite and sense of reason. You are wise beyond your years and you will make it. Correction we will make it together keep on keeping on girl day by day one breath at a time.
HH

Going home
by: Judy

Trish,

We here are in the same foreign country you are- the country of life without our beloved partners and loves. It does seem like a foreign place at first, scary, confusing and lonely. It stays lonely but eventually, slowly it will become less scary and confusing. You have barely begun this crazy journey-six months is very new grief. It is for you and no one else to decide when you are ready to "move on". Well meaning people will say this to you, trying to be helpful. This is why widows retreat into silence-no ones wants to hear about your feelings and loss anymore. You'll move on when it's right for you. You probably won't even notice at first but gradually the days will appears brighter, smiles and laughter will come back and you will start looking forward not backward. You will see then you are home but home is different than it used to be. You'll get there eventually. Just keep moving.

JM

A New and Different Life
by: Patricia From Las Vegas

Its hard, yes we all know. I'm not going to tell you what you should or shouldn't do. Only your heart can tell you. Yes you hurt, undeniably the pain can burn a hole thought your heart and into your soul.
I'm just coming up on my 1 year mark, the 21st of June and I'm scared. Afraid I'll break into a million pieces. But I won't, and you'll find as you travel this road with pitfalls, canyons you want jump fall and the never ending despair that surrounds us there is love, hope, children and grandchildren. The loves from our love. Remember that light, it will help through the dark days.
I'm not going to say it will get easier. Some days will be but others not so.
Come here, talk, scream and cry if you need it. Its yours only to do and carry. God knows this site has heard my ranting and ravings. But writing helps. I had a journal for a period of time. I stopped but find there are times when we just need to talk to them. Always remember you can talk here. I want to go home too, but that door has closed and we no longer have the keys to that life. May peace with us all at our most difficult times.
Always,
1 Step, 1 breath at a time

I want to go home
by: jules

Trish - the first time I had to fill in a form with the dreaded "w" was hard for me as well - I had a few bad days after that.
I am now 18 months in on this rollercoaster ride, and I am getting better - not a day goes by without thinking of my darling, but now it is mostly with nostalgia, I know I can't change what is - I can only do the best with what I have.
Don't let anyone tell you what you must and must not do - look in the Grief Club for a poem called Shifting Sands - it might help you
So every day - one step, one breath
take care
jules

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I Want To Go Home.....

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I Want To Go Home.....