I was he's sunshine..

by Beata
(Vilnius, Lthuania)

I lost my father on april 5th this year. He was suffering from stomach cancer. It is very hard for me to understand that he will never come to my room and call me he's sunshine. I am 16 year old. He promised to teach me how to drive this summer, take me fishing (I always wanted to go with him, but he used to say that I am too young and that I am a girl so i shouldnt go with him).
He tought me everything I know, taught me to never give up on doing what you love. He loved his job! But it was very hard for him. He was a strong 54 year old man who took care of me, my older brother, older sister and especially my mom. I miss him a lot, just thinking of him brings me tears to my eyes. When he died i couldnt believe it. I didn't cry at the funeral, don't know why. I can't cry infront of people because of it...
I appreciate every single day that we spent together. I want to forget everything because memories brings me pain but at the same time I don't want to forget because he was my father and I love him...
I try to socialise, look normal, not to think about it. Go to school, try to make my mom happy. I am trying... But when I am alone, the pain is exploding inside of me, It's like i can't stop crying, like the pain isn't hurting me physically but mentally. I feel like I am not a child anymore. Maybe I am stronger? But at the same time I am weak.
My life is upside down at this moment. I am not happy any more like I used to be. And I will never be the same person anymore, the same little daddy's little sunshine.

Comments for I was he's sunshine..

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May 31, 2014
I was his sunshine....
by: Doreen UK

Beata I am sorry for your loss of your father to cancer. You are sweet 16yrs. and so young to lose your father who you still need in your life. I hope that you have other adults e.g. Uncles, Older brother or any role model who can mentor you and teach you what you want like fishing if this is what you would like to do, driving, etc. Just don't stop learning, and putting new things in your life. The best way forward is ONE DAY AT A TIME. You also need to honour your grief by expressing this. You won't fall apart if you cry. You also won't embarrass yourself or other's if they see you cry. There is no shame in this emotion. When we are in pain crying has a way of washing out our pain and helping us to heal. To not express your grief by crying or outward expression then you will be hurting yourself more by repressing this and it will injure you and be more painful. It will also hold you back from moving forward in life. If you find yourself struggling and don't want to involve your family, you can go and see a grief counsellor. Who is trained and skilled to assist one struggling with grief. It is also a very mature thing to do by taking responsibility for your emotional and mental health so that you will develop healthier ways of coping with life.
WE all know on this site how bad grief pain is. It is UNBEARABLE. We would do anything to not feel this way, but grief pain has to run its course and we go THROUGH IT. only then do we find healing. You can also keep a journal and write out all your hurt feelings and this is another way to get the pain out of your system. You can also use your journal to write letters to your father and let him know how hard life is without him and what he meant to you, and how much you will miss him from your life. You can structure your journal how you want, and when you want to write. Put the date against each entry so it will help you to see how your grief has shifted and how you have healed from where you were in the months ahead. Talk to an Adult about how you feel. You will prolong your grief pain if you do nothing and just ignore it. Ignoring grief is never a good thing as it will catch up with you later in life and be more painful, and difficult to process and you most often will need skilled professional help to deal with grief.
I lost my husband to cancer 2yrs. ago, and I know how much it hurts to have seen your father suffer cancer and how it left you feeling when he died.

May 30, 2014
Dear Beata,
by: Anonymous

I am sorry that you have lost your father at such a young age. I lost my father last year - he died suddenly. I am 48 years old, a wife and mother with two teenage children, but I was still was a Daddy's girl. I feel the same way you do - the emotions, the pain, the raw grief, the memories. All of it. Try to take one day at a time, and make sure you allow yourself to grieve. Grieving is a painful process, but you will come through to the other side. Cherish the memories of your father, and slowly you will find that they comfort you. The posts on this website are helpful too. Everybody here is so understanding and kind. And we all know what you are going through. My heart breaks for you because you are so young. I hope you can find comfort and peace with your family as you all begin to heal. Barb

May 30, 2014
Feel the same your not alone
by: Anonymous

I just lost my mother I'm 55 and she 87. I so understand your feelings of never again to see hear touch that person or feel there love. I guess what I'm saying or trying to say is age doesn't change the pain you feel or the emptiness . I so feel as you do . She held my life toghter. And now emptiness . I'm sorry for your loss . So very sorry. Just remember your a part of your dad and your dad will always be a part of you. Death can't take love from you.

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