I was only 12. Why...

My mom was 40. Healthy and happy as can be. I was 12. My brother was 11, my dad was 47. Anyways, She passed away of a brain anneurism March 31st 2011. 2 days before I turned 13. I still dont even understand it. She was so healthy. I mean she did have alot of headaches all the time. But I still dont see how she could just die. I mean she was my bestfriend. I told her everything.My whole family was based around her. She was the heart of it all. Now its like yeah, me & my brother & dad are all blood related but its like we just live in the same house. We dont ever talk. Especially not about mom...

I'll never forget it. It replays in my head, like bad flashbacks. The morning my dad comes downstaires to my room and says those five words that changed my life completely. "Tana, youre mom isnt responding." That killed me. Dad told me to get up and come upstaires, that the ambulance was here. After sitting on my couch crying with my brother, nobody's first thought is that their moms dead. You think she will be alrite. Shes just sick. Thats all. No, the paramedic came out from my parents room and gave us the news. Dawn Jackson, dead at 40 years of age. Its not right. Its not possible. But I guess it was. It doesnt feel real, you never can actually just admit to yourself one random morning, "hey, my moms dead."

Ill also never forget being kicked out of our own house after my mom had just passed becausee it was now considered a crime scene? K. I cried forever. Ill never forget sitting on my kitchen floor getting the phone call from the doctor saying how she had died... In her sleep. Peacefull, but still so unfair...

Dad used to drink I mean a couple beer yeah, but now its constant all the time. Hes an alcoholic. I dont blame him, I mean, he lost my mom, the love of his life, the most amazing person I ever knew. He is always mad, he tries his best but managing being a dad and mom at the same time. I would be pretty mad too. My brother? He doesnt say anything, he acts like everythings okay and nothing has happened at all. He doesnt cry ever, he doesnt talk about her. I dont know what to do ... ive gotten into some pretty bad things too. Acting like Im 16, I really need help but I have absolutely nobody to talk to...Im so sick of it.

Mom, theres not one day that gos by I dont think of you. You were my bestfriend. Anything I needed you wrre there. I hate living in a house of all guys I absolutely hate it. They dont understand. At all. I wish you were here. Sometimes I think about all the memories like Dominican on yer 40th birthday and going for car rides to the beach and other things in the summer, out to dinner. Everything. It kills me. My heart hurts I miss you sososo much...
I will love you forever mom,
Dawn Jackson. 1971 - 2011. You are desperately missed...

Comments for I was only 12. Why...

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Mar 02, 2012
You're so strong
by: Anonymous


This is the first time I've ever responded to one of these. That is how much your story moved me. I really think you're amazing at such a young age to have reached out like you have with your story. You will go far in life with the awareness you already have. It sounds as if a lot of us moms have already reached out to you, but I wanted to add my email in case you need another surrogate Mama. I want you to be able to stay a child and not rush things like you mentioned about doing '16 year old things'.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Please, let us know how you're doing.

Feb 27, 2012
Oh, baby!
by: Whitney

Oh sweetie, I hear your heart! I wish I could hug you! I am a mom myself and I was so sad to hear your feelings, your hurt. Why don't you Facebook me and we can talk, precious. -Whitney Eslick Manuel

Feb 23, 2012
So so sorry!!
by: Jen

I am so sad and sorry to hear about the loss of your mom....so devastating and heartbreaking just not fair!! Life throws us hard blows sometimes I am a mom and I lost my 23yr old son 10/25/11 he died from a heroin overdose. I will never get over it and am still in shock my life has changed forever :(. I know your pain to some extent. It's really important that you find someone you can't trust and talk to I think by getting on this website you have taken the first step...this website has helped me so much. Someone on here suggested "The Compassionate Friends Grp" it's an on-line group and they meet locally as well. if you need to talk please feel free to email me my name is Jen and my email is jmcdonoughrosen@hotmail.com. I will be praying for you and your family!! Especially your dad if he is now struggling with addiction - I know all about addiction. God bless you!

Feb 23, 2012
your mom
by: momma anne

Your letter touched my heart, I can not imagine losing my mom at 12 years old, I feel so sad for you. You say you have no one to talk to, what about a school counselor, a pastor at a church, do you have any aunts or uncles that could help?
Everyone deals with grief differently, your brother may break down behind doors and your dad drinking it's not the best way to deal by getting drunk because your problems or the reason why you drink is still there when you sober up.
If you can not find anyone to speak with you can email me, I will listen and not judge you, I can not guarantee I will have the answers but, will try. I too have lost someone who meant the world to me on Jan 9, 2012 I lost my 3 year old grandson, I understand the pain its the worst feeling in the world. my email is azylo37@yahoo.com Hugs and much love to you

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