I was there when he died. He was my biggest fan, my rock, i miss him

by Dee
(UK)

My Dad has gone, I know he has but everything seems to have fallen apart since he died. First I lost my job but that helped me because I was able to look after him full time. I started a new relationship a few months before he died. My boyfriend was a strength but then turned out to be manipulative and uncaring, even though he will not recognise that. Short version He wanted us to have kids and it didn’t happen and now we are not together. I haven’t been able to find work and my very close family are now not so close. And now I feel like I am alone and lonely and finally dealing with the grief. I have a counsellor now and I recommend that to anyone who reads this.

I was there when Dad died. I went to visit him at the hospital and he looked so unwell I asked him if he minded if I stayed the night. He looked pleased (he could not speak at that point) my two brothers were there. I asked if they would stay too but they declined. My brother went away bought me something to sleep in. I held both my dads hands and talked to him and then I fell asleep around 1.30am 10 mins later I woke up shouting that my dad had stopped breathing, Dads breathing had become light and then non existent. I called the nurse who was a bit dopy (it was early) and she started fiddling with the machine, I think I was almost hysterical at this point and then I had to calm myself and start phoning my 4 brothers and one sister. The family came Dad was declared dead and I am in pain. And everyone else seems to be coping ok. And Everyone now feels its ok to gang up on me paint me out to be a bad aunty a bad sister etc. I am so fed up. I wish I was in a relationship (sounds weak doesn’t it) I just wish I had some love in my life, someone to love who will love me back……

Comments for I was there when he died. He was my biggest fan, my rock, i miss him

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Feb 23, 2013
Thankyou
by: Dee

Dear Doreen

Thank you for taking the time to write to me, I really appreciate it and your journey. I have been surprised how many people have been through or feel the way I do. I suppose its onl when you are at rock bottom that you look up and look for help. how are you feeling now?

Feb 13, 2013
I was there when he died. He was my biggest fan, my rock, I miss him.
by: Doreen U.K.

Dee You are in the right place. COUNSELLING. Will eventually give you your life back and you will look back and feel glad you did it. It was the most liberating FREEING experience for me. I looked at the world and people differently and I lost my sensitivity. BE PATIENT. You will have love in your life and a FOCUS. When counselling is over you will attract the right person for you and you will have a better chance to change your internal world and situation.
I know it is so hard when you lose someone close in your life and family and friends turn against you. You also lose your job and it feels as if your world is falling apart. KEEP STRONG. I have found that DEATH. LOSS. GRIEF turns our world upside down and against us. But it will pass and everyone around you will change also. I don't know why it has to be this way. But it is frightening to see this happen time and time again. I myself can't believe it. We were a close family but now more fractured in areas. I felt a wave of panic when my husband died 10 months ago from lung cancer. (I live in U.K. ) also. Can you just imagine your loved one breathing normal and then NOTHING. The last breath comes and then you are in shock. I feel as if I am still in shock. My world is empty and lonely now. Every person we lose is UNIQUE in their own way and cannot be replaced. To lose a father leaves a child/adult child feeling insecure and unhappy for a long time. I am so glad you got to spend time with your father in his last days. My daughter lost her job when her dad was ill with cancer and she got to come to the hospital appts. and also the Chemo and Radiotherapy. She took the day off the day her dad died but didn't know this would be his last day. It feels so unbelievable still. I feel sad and a bit down today. I have been too busy up till now. When I have some free time this is when the ALONENESS and MISSING HIM kick in. Dee it may feel as if your family have turned against you and things are not good. Everyone is grieving in their own way and may not understand why you feel the loss so deeply. We all have different relationship bonds with our fathers. Perhaps your siblings don't feel that close. This will probably work itself out in time. Just share your feelings with people who can support you and not judge you. It will get better in the days ahead. Everyone is sensitive right now. I didn't think we as a family would face this. Quite a shock to me. But such is life. I hope the days ahead will get better for you. That you find a job and that you also find love in your life and a better future. Best wishes

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