I wasn't ready to say Good-bye

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

Christmas is coming closer and all I feel is panic. I miss him so desperately it feels like my heart is just going to stop beating. But then I think to myself that wouldn't be the worse thing to happen would it? I'm sure we all ask ourselves that question don't we? We just can't voice it to our family and friends because they don't understand and most likely think "Great, she's finally lost it", get the men in the white coats.

Those thoughts are better kept to ourselves. I am grateful to have this place to voice them with no worries. It's my heart talking, missing and wanting something I can't have anymore.
But in a sense, we already know the answers ~ continue on, things will get better, we all love you and he'll always be with you...
bla bla bla ~
I'm so tired of the Bla's.

I jump between tears of sorrow and despair and tears of anger why? I see so many here on this site that have their "Faith and God" and wonder whats wrong with me? Where's mine, because I sure don't seem to have any.

I listen to songs of "I'll Remember You" by Elvis, "I miss my Friend" by Daryl Worthy and then there's "When Your Gone" by Avil Lavigne. Why do I inflict pain on myself listening to songs that will make me hurt and cry again. I'm not surviving or coping well and I listen to songs that just make me miss him more, make my heart ache and send me into the insanity of wanting him so much. What's wrong with me?
I want him here with me, I don't want to live without him ~ How do I go on when my life has been destroyed?

I feel like I'm out of control ~
Do we ever get over Grief?
No ~ we just get through it so I'm told, we can't go around it and there are no short cuts. Yippee Skippy Believe me, I've tried.

I have been so ready to jump off this road of pain and sorrow so many times ~ But ~ it doesn't work that way. Our lives just become different, we learn to live with a part of our hearts gone.
I know, I know. It sucks ~ So I'll cry the tears once again, hoping and praying that I'll see him in my dreams tonight ~ and remind myself ~
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~

P.S. ~ God, if you can hear me, please give me strength. I'm having a difficult time right now I could really use a little help ~
Thank you

Comments for I wasn't ready to say Good-bye

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Dec 05, 2010
faith is tried in these times
by: Judy

You comment about faith not sustaining you makes me think of a comment I heard from a very devout, sort of fundamentalist lady who said faith doesn't mean you won't have pain, it means you believe things will get better despite the pain. Faith is really believing in something you cannot see or touch.

Lately I have felt my own faith slipping as I fell into a nasty depression, relived Barry's last days of illness, wrestled again with my fury at the medical system, thought I was losing my mind (again) and generally tried to make some sense of this new strange existence I now live.

I am maybe a little better now because when there is nothing else to hang onto, there is the faith and belief that things will be better. They will be better. And we will be there.


Dec 05, 2010
I wasn't ready to say goodbye
by: Jules

I too am wondering how long this goes on - I was thinking I was doing well - then for the last two days all I can see is John's face the last time I saw him. He just looked like he was asleep - but I know he wasn't - he was at peace, but I was thrown into absolute despair.

Just sitting doing a crossword, and his face looms in front of me, and I am hurtling back to that day just over a year ago, the same emotion, the feeling of total loss, the sobs, unable to breath, confusion. It seems this picture is imprinted over everything else in my brain - even typing this now I can see him - please I want him back!

It is taking so long to write this - I keep having to stop and cry - it hurts so much. And it is a physical hurt - my chest feels like it will burst from the pressure of stopping myself sobbing.

Who can I tell but you guys here - my darling daughter would listen, but it is not fair on her, she is still suffering, and has her own problems at home. I don't want to burden her.
I am wondering if the reason I am feeling this way is that my brothers mother in law died on Friday night from motor neurone disease, she was a lovely lady, and when John died, she cried "why wasn't she taken, she was ready back then, why John who had so much ahead of him still".(her words)

I feel so lucky to have this site and the wonderful people on it so I can get my feelings out, it helps immensely, I can still see John's face in my mind, but it feels a bit easier, I will take a deep breath, take those baby steps, and repair the cracks in my shell, I will survive this.

Thanks for being here.
Take care

Dec 05, 2010
I wish
by: Zoe

How many times have we said it
I remember in the beginning thinking maybe he wasn't really dead
I was there when he died, I wear his hair and ashes around my neck
We live in almost parallel universe everything now takes us back to then
It is rather like walking one foot on the road the other on hot Coals eventually you walk easier but there is always pain

The further you get away the more alone you can feel
You say how you feel and watch their eyes twitch to the door

I cannot do this without him I do not want to

Cry as you need to, rage in your car, scream in the shower
Then one breath one step one day at a time

And know we are here
And we will listen

Dec 05, 2010
Being brave(when your not)
by: Hope


You are not the only one spiraling down the vortex of grief wondering what is wrong with me? Why can't I control these emotions?

I too woke with a total feeling of despair being thrown to that day so long ago yesterday that my Love went on a walk, never to return.

It is soooooo hard and I think that each day will make me stronger like a linear progress line. But it is not a straight progress line upward there are many dips, Up and Down Days, Where we do question our very sanity. I know that I do anyway.

Just know for a fact if nothing else that we are here experiencing much of the same emotions as you. And as strong as we were in that past life that we plead for, it is not to be. We must find strength within and strength here among friends that will not turn away.

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