I wasn't ready

I lost my father on the 2nd of december 2012, and this is the first time to talk about him after he passed away.
I can't say that we had the most amazing relationship in the world but everytime any of our relatives sees me they say " we know that you were daddy's little girl" ,they saw somthing that i was so blind to see!
I was always angry,sad , disappointed when he was a live , mostly because of him, I needed some space away from his restrictions, now that he died I can't feel anything but regret.
He was always there , and I had the though that he will always be, I was thinking that one day i will have the chance to show him my world ,I will take him to the places that I like, I will tell him about my friends, I will let him know everything about me….i won't be a stranger to him.
I was wrong! He died in his sleep, I didn't even had the chance to kiss him goodby, I just stood there frozen, watching the ambulance taking him for good.
After his sudden death, I don't think I cried properly, for 3 weeks I was going out everyday ,talking and listening about everything …but him.
Now I can't stop crying that i almost losing my see sight , I feel pain all over my body starting from my broken heart, I sleep over 15 hours a day just to have that chance of meeting him in a dream and beg him to forgive me!!
There is no moral of my story, there is no advice to give since words don't have any meaning till we live it .

Comments for I wasn't ready

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Jan 12, 2013
I wasn't ready
by: I wasn't ready

thank you for you comments and I'm. so sorry for your lost
today is the 40th day since my father died,i don't know the name of that phase that I'm going through, i guess they call it adapting!
i feel better now, i go out with friends and i enjoy their company but the min. they leave me i start feeling guilty for moving on...is this normal?
last week i saw an ambulance passing by, i cried my heart out!! it was my first time to cry in public "on the street"
lucky it's winter and no one notice me.
i think i will be fine but i don't know when!

Jan 10, 2013
i wasn't ready
by: Anonymous

I am sorry for you lost. Today is the 2nd anniversary for my dad passed away. I knew my dad was on the death bed because he was sick with cancer spread all of his body. My dad and I had strange relationship no body understood it but me and him. But I knew i was daddy's girl i would also go to him due to fact he would give in to me. He love to spoil me but he didn't know how to love or express his self to me. Like my mom did. I knew he love me. I was there and told him i love him if he was ready to go up to heaven I will be fine. But in my heart It was a lie, i wasn't ready for him to go. But i didn't want him be in pain anymore either. January 10th 2011 @ 4:10pm he died

Jan 07, 2013
not ready either
by: Anonymous

i lost my dad suddenly only 5 days ago, i never had the chance to say goodbye & i also hope he knew just how much i loved him.

Dec 30, 2012
Thank you
by: Author

Dear All,
Thank you so much for your comments and I'm so sorry for your lost, it's true that we never expect these things till it happen even if it was 1 inch from our nose and I learned that the hard way, as I also lost my beloved uncle a couple of month before my Dad, I got involve in my grief that I was so isolated from everything around me till it hit me again with my father sudden death.
I learned my lesson this time, I'm spending most of the time with my mom comforting her, expressing my feelings to her all the time, and thank god we already have a strong bond, it's just the night that I have my battle with, everything magnified when the night comes!!
I have lots of friends but when it comes to the matter of death it's always so hard for anyone to bare those feeling with you if they didn't choose that…that's why I came here.
Thank you

Dec 30, 2012
i know how you feel
by: andy

I feel your pain and know it is unbearable. I lost my dad DEC 24 ,2012 and it is very hard even though i did not have a close relationship like my brother had . I must and you must be there for your mom as the focus is on her grief which is undecidable. I hope things over time get better. Even though this happens every day,we never think it will happen to us. stay strong -we are not alone.

Dec 30, 2012
I wasn't ready
by: Doreen U.K.

I am sorry for your loss of your father to a sudden death. I come from a broken family and I can understand how you feel and where you are coming from. WE are all FRACTURED in some way and struggle to find relationship with our parents. Some children can become favourites and this causes sibling rivalry. It would be so good to come from a family where our struggles weren't so painful and where we were understood. But this is life in a difficult world. Full of sorrow and struggling all the time. A lot of people don't get on with their parents. This leaves a VOID in their life and this will affect their grief journey. It is very painful for any parent to not accept their child. It leaves a deep wound that could last a lifetime. When the parent dies it affects us badly. You wanted your father to share your interests and take him into your world and you feel wounded that this can't happen. This is the worst part of losing a parent. All the things you wanted to do with them you don't get the chance to do now. Crying is the major part of grief and is where your healing comes from so don't worry about your tears.
My husband died 8 months ago. I still cry often and feel Angry and I am a grandmother. But this is one time we can't control our emotions. Grief is emotional. I want to share a conversation or a meal or just the small problems of the day and my husband is not here. Although my 3 children are Adults they still grieve and miss their father. They seem to be coping, but who knows? They may appear to be O.K. but not want to talk in case they break down. They feel embarrassed. My daughter goes to bed early and cries for her loss of her dad. This season doesn't help either. I am glad Christmas is over. It was hard not having my husband here with us. You will hurt for some time as we all will on this grief site. But one day it has to get better. Otherwise our broken hearts would kill us. I hope that you have other people in your life to support you and nurture you till you Heal from your loss of your dad.

Dec 30, 2012
wasn't ready either
by: Anonymous

I lost my dad Dec.1 of this year, and i feel similar time will be the only thing to offer any help I cry each day. usually every morning. Believe me, I was not the perfect daughter , and the only thing I can do is pray that he knows I loved him

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