I Wasn't There

by Lianna
(Newmarket, ON, Canada)

On Mother's Day, May 11th 2014, after 29 days in the hospital, my larger then life father passed away from cardiac arrest. He was only 62 years old. He initially went to the hospital for a dibetic ulcer on his foot. After 12 days they moved him to ICU because his BP was extremely low... Next thing we know he's on dialysis... It all started happening so fast. Up to this point I was taking care of my dad alone. He lived with me for awhile, but just moved out to try independence.I called my family to inform them of the ICU move. My brother came for support. After a week he impressivly got better.No more dialysis, BP was good. The concern was lifted , he was placed back on a regular medical floor, awaiting leg amputation. I was there daily. Twice a day sometimes. The last time I seen my dad I rubbed his back until he fell asleep. I was the last person other then hospital staff to see him alive. The only day I wasn't there with him , and he goes. I was at my mom's for mothers day.It was sudden, unexpected.... Not the phone call I wanted. I hit the ground screaming , crying when the hospital called.My world came crashing down. I should have been there. The nurse said he talked about me all morning. How I was his "doll" and his reason for living. He was cleaning himself up that morning , preparing for my visit that evening. Its been 18 days since he left and its already felt like a life time. People have many different ideas on the subject of death. But I know that he's with me. He choose to be with my family in life and I have a strong feeling he's here even after death. Our bond can't be broken , no matter the distance. Daddy's girl for eternity.

Comments for I Wasn't There

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Jun 10, 2014
by: Miryana

Dear Lianna,

I'm very sorry about your loss beacuse I know exactly how you feel. My beloved father Marco died of a sudden Cardiac Arrest on Feb.5th and was found dead in his car, near my house.People who found him in his car tried to help him and immediatly took him to hospital, but it was too late. Since then I'm going through an agony because my father was my stone and the source of unconditional love. Sometimes it is overwhelming that I think I'm going to die,even I am a grown woman with two children. You have to be patient with yourself and don't listen to people who tell you that you should be strong, because you shouldn't and do whatever is necessary to feel a little bit better.Don't forget to be kind to yourself. That's only that matters now, not the opinion of unimportant people who don't realize that your life is falling apart at the moment. Don't forget that you are not alone and I'll pray for you!

May 28, 2014
Dear Lianna,
by: Anonymous

My father died from Cardiac Arrest as well. He collapsed one morning, and by the time my mother and I got to the ER, it was too late. He was kept alive for several hours, but everything eventually shut down, and he left us. I was not in the room when he coded - the doctors asked us to leave, and I still regret that. I wish I had stayed anyway. I am a grown woman, but I was always a Daddy's girl. We had a wonderful relationship, and I saw him almost daily. I am devastated by this loss, and I will never get over it, but I have come to accept his death. My heart breaks for you - I understand exactly how you feel. I hope after reading some of the posts here, you will feel comforted. Everybody is going through the same thing, and we all understand. I will keep you in my thoughts, Barb

May 28, 2014
I wasn't there
by: Doreen UK

Lianna many people feel the pain of not being present when their loved one died. This is a hurt that is also part of the grieving process. I would have felt the same way. I was afraid to leave the room when my husband was dying of cancer, in case I missed that last moment with him. My biggest hurt is leaving the room the night before his death when the night staff nurses came to sit with him so I could get some sleep. It was in the morning that I learned that my husband was in pain all night. He told me in the morning. I found out that the night nurse refused to give him an injection for the pain. I ended up having a fight with her when my husband died. It all boiled over, and relatives were trying to shut me up from expressing my anger. My daughter walked in and told relatives to let me speak. I had to confront the nurse about not giving my husband an injection. The system stinks. This nurse waited till the day staff took over and it was so difficult getting an answer on the phone as to who was going to come and give my husband an injection for the pain. I had to answer all the questions again because this is how the system worked. It took several hours before my husband got the injection. A cancer that was killing him and me having to watch him in pain and could do nothing. And there is no one to fight my corner from this grief. I still feel so angry by much that went wrong in his care. God help all those people who are severely ill now in a system that is not working to give patients good care because of the lack of resources and funding. Relatives should not have to fight for proper care, but this is becoming more and more of an issue. Feel comforted knowing that your father is at peace now and cannot be hurt by life, and the decisions made for them that are not working in many cases.

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